Today I cried about ice cream.

First of all, let me tell you, I don't need any lectures, BELIEVE ME, I'm fully aware of the importance of taking care of myself, I'm also fully aware that most of the time I fail epically at this.

So last year was just a super hard year for me. I had so much going on and taking care of my physical health pretty much took a back seat.

I'm back to a place where I'm disgustingly aware of how much I've let myself go physically. It's not a vain thing by any means, it's truly how lousy I feel. Lets face it, breathing and tying shoes simultaneously would be a very welcome thing. My clothing that I love just doesn't fit right, and, yes, I also don't care to much for how I'm looking these days.

The last couple weeks I just haven't felt right. I've been so unbelievably tired that I could, and have nap all day long after sleeping in, and then go to bed early and wake up tired and want to do it all again. My balance has been a bit "off" lately, which I just assumed was my vertigo rearing it's ugly head. Annoying headaches that just seem to hang on. I've also been so incredibly thirsty lately that nothing seems to sate it, and making lots of extra trips to the bathroom. Today brought a new symptom though. I was holding one of my beautiful granddaughters, and had to set her down abruptly because I was about to lose the contents of my stomach. No warning, just the instantaneous need to vomit.

You see, I'm a type 2 diabetic and have been for years. I was really good at taking care of it, but then, the troubles of the last year really derailed me. Other than the weight I've gained I've not given it much thought other than a bit of the guilt that sets in when I'm eating things I shouldn't be. I know the dangers of not taking care of my diabetes, but wasn't aware of this type of thing occurring.

So after taking my blood sugar tonight, which I've not had to do on a regular basis, and being a bit alarmed by the 286 staring at me on my meter, I went to the store to get some food that I could eat. While there, I walked past the watermelon, the cakes, the cookies, and most devastatingly, the ice cream. I LOVE ice cream. No more 1/2 pints of my favorites that I eat in one sitting 2 or 3 nights a week.

Yes yes, I know, I can treat myself occasionally,  however, I know myself too well. One little bite, of anything naughty and delicious and I become obsessed. One is never enough. So tonight I mourned the loss of ice cream. I mourned the joy of eating the creamy cold sweetness. I could say it's not fair, but I brought this all on myself with my poor eating habits and the amount of pure sugar I put in my body for most of my life.

Don't do what I did, don't find yourself mourning ice cream years down the road. Type 2 can be avoided if you practice moderation and good eating habits.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to throw my temper tantrum about having to eat good. sigh.

The News

So I'm married to this amazing guy that I'm crazy head over heels in love with. He's a pretty big deal in my life. So his happiness is of course something near and dear to my heart.

He's been wanting a change for a while, to get away from stress that's been heavy on him for several years, as well as just some just general discontentment. So we've been praying.

We've been praying for about the last 5 years or more for God to release him from his job. He's been looking for new jobs in the same field with similar pay or opportunity to move up and eventually return to similar pay. Much to our great dismay, God never gave him the go ahead, never opened any doors for him, and so he stayed. He stayed trying to see what God had for him to do in this place and each day trying his best to work for the glory of God.

The last 6 months or so have been particularly difficult for him to navigate through and we knew something had to give. So one night Jerry said, "I'm going to quit and work at home depot!" Wouldn't you know it, God finally released him from his job of 27 years.

April 2nd will be Jerry's last day at Follett, it's a job he's had our entire married life. What's he on to next you ask? No clue! He's got resumes out, and has some nibbles, but we're just trusting God to do what only He can and get us through this. James reminds us to consider it pure joy when we face trials, and this one is a trial of total and complete trust. I vacillate between excitement for things to come and panic for things to come....or not come. I know there are BIG lessons for myself to learn as we move into a less comfortable lifestyle. and I'm sure Jerry is looking at some lessons before him as well.

So here we go, this is one new big #adventurewithjerry, and it's going to be amazing. He's like a whole new person, or he remembered who he truly is without all the stress, very carefree, lighthearted and playful. I've never been so sure we've done the right thing in all of my life.  I've already lit a creative fire under him and we'll be exploring that avenue together which I'm over the moon excited about.  Plus the honey do list is growing......

I ask for prayers for us, prayers for God's provision, for wisdom as we make decisions regarding our future and for just the right job to come along for Jerry.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes......

Raise your hand if you like change......if I'm right, I'm guessing not too many people are crazy about it. I on the other hand am one of those who finds change exciting, like an adventure. Unless of course it's not a positive change, some change can be painful to navigate through. There is change that is imposed upon you, and the change you choose yourself. Small changes, like a new toothpaste brand, and big changes like moving to a new house.

Then there's that grey line of change that has essentially been imposed upon you and it's a bad change so you find yourself forced to make your own changes. Still with me? Good.

2018 is barely off to a start and we find ourselves with one of those grey area changes. Something we've been praying about for years, that God has either been silent or said no to repeatedly, He's finally said yes to. However, His perimeters in which He's said yes, are kind of hard to swallow.
(I know this is all vague, but we're not quite ready to share all the details with everyone just yet, that will come in due time. So just bare with me and hang on.)

This "yes" that God finally gave us is going to completely shake up our entire existence and the way we currently live our lives. This is one of those things that you just HAVE to trust that God knows what He's doing because there is no way we can make this work on our own. Jerry and I are swallowing worry and anxiety every single day sometimes several times a day and reminding ourselves that God is Faithful. We're second guessing ourselves daily and then reminding ourselves that God is Good. I can't speak for Jerry but I know my panic attacks are on high alert and I'm having a hard time pushing thru them without help. However, I remind myself that God keeps His Promises.

There is of course an element of excitement in this all too! We know that there is no way, we will be okay unless God does something big so,in between all the worry, there is this sense of great anticipation, and wide eyed wonder. It's like we're in the front row, sitting on the edge of our seats so we don't miss a single thing that He's doing. The thrill of having yet another testimony to share about the Goodness of God and trying to imagine what we'll have to share with others to give them Hope is almost overwhelming. This is a God sized change.

So watch this space for more to come, I'll share when the time is right, and I'll share all the good stuff that God does along the way. Probably all the hard stuff too.

*disclaimer: if you are one of the "inner circle" that knows about the "big change" I ask that you keep it under your hat until we're comfortable sharing with everyone. Thanks

The New Year

Like everyone else at the end of a year and the beginning of a new one, I reflect on what the past year held and dream for what the new year could be.

Last year was hard, no doubt, but with God leading the way we made it through just fine. As I look on it, other than my depression, (that has a purpose) I only see the good, because the good was so significant. We gained a son, a daughter and a granddaughter, how amazing is that!! I praise God for His faithfulness in working things out for our good. In some cases the good was and is hard to see, but we trust Him in all things, good and bad.

This new year has me very contemplative. This is the year I learn to be content. You would think that would be easy, however, for me it's probably one of the hardest things I've had to do.

For the last several months God has asked me to "be still", which I've done, but that isn't easy either. I have to shut off that part of my brain that always tells me I can do more. I've never had this much free time in my life. However, the being still is exactly what I need because I'm finding I get overwhelmed very easily when I try to do more.

Now God has added "seek" to my life, which ironically seems to go hand in hand with "be still". So for the last month or so I've been intentional about seeking God, not only in the pages of my Bible put in everyone and everything. It has been a beautiful thing and I can be okay with this, this is something I should've been doing all along.

Now comes the content part, one of the things my psychologist says in jest because of the way my brain cycles always looking for the next thing to be anxious over is, " heaven forbid you be happy". Most of the time I just brush it off because I am happy, but I keep waiting for that to change. I keep waiting for it to change because well, life happens, and I need to be prepared, to not be blindsided by something that's in front of my face if only I scrutinize, agonize and imagine hard enough I'll see it.

The other part of contentment and probably what I'm finding to be the hardest is feeling a bit, well, useless. I mean I know I'm doing the good wife, good mom, and good Lolly thing okay and there is purpose in all of those, but what am I doing for others? How am I furthering the Kingdom of Heaven or being the hands and feet of Jesus to others. I have things written on my heart that I'd like to be part of, but here I sit.

Part of me is very aware of how incredibly changed my life has become because of last winters dive into monster ugly depression. Because of that I'm having to almost rebuild every part of me one piece at a time. Yep, I have lots of free time, but as I alluded to before, I get easily overwhelmed which isn't good for me or my family. This frustrates me and truth be told I am embarrassed by it a bit, I mean seriously, many other people my age work full time jobs, and run a household and family. My husband works his tail off daily, and here I sit. I work 5 hours a week that I get paid for, I spend 1 day a week with my granddaughter and pretty much the rest of the week is mine. I'd like to be doing so much more than I am.

So in this season of learning to be content, I'm also learning that means to be content, not only with things, but with life. This doesn't mean that in the next season I won't be able to move forward into the things I long to do, but for right now, I need to learn to be content to be right where God has put me, to trust that He knows best and to be okay with that. To learn to stop the mental cycle of trying to find something to be anxious about, to stop reaching for the things that I know aren't for "right now", and just be happy seeking and being still and listening to God.

What does your 2018 look like?

the darkness returns

I'm just so tired, just so tired of all of this. Tired of fighting this battle, tired of  each day being a struggle, tired of all it. Tired of pretending to be okay because if I talk about how I'm not it makes people uncomfortable and they tend to distance themselves from me. Tired of all the medication, tired of all the deep aching soul sucking pain, tired of trying to take hold of my thoughts so they don't spin me out of control. Tired of fake smiles, tired of trying to fight off panic attacks without anyone noticing I'm about to lose it. Tired of having to force myself to do things when what I really want to do is disappear.

Now before you all freak out, you need to know I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to try to kill myself even though the enemy is constantly telling me I should. Yet another thing that makes me tired, fighting off his lies.

Yes I know you all love me, yes I know you all care, and I'm grateful for that. Yes I pray, yes, I read my Bible, yes I listen to Christian music, yes I  get out of bed, yes I take showers and get dressed, yes do all those things that everyone thinks you should do to "feel better". The difference is, the incredible amount of effort it takes to do those things is exhausting and completely draining. You know what's not draining? Letting it all just happen, letting it all just wash over me, letting all the darkness just be what it is. There is no effort required for that, it's comfortable, it's familiar and there are days when I welcome it and do nothing to make it stop.

Each time it slams me to the ground I'm humiliated by it, I feel like I've failed, and that I'm weak. How can I do things like be in leadership roles, or mentoring rolls when I cannot even hold myself together. How do I parent, how do I be a wife, an employee? What business do I have trying to help others when I cannot even help myself? Truly the only thing that works well in this is my art, because it comes from a place of emotion and passion and it's therapeutic.

I used to think that depression was something I had on occasion, and I don't think it defines who I am, but it's a part of me, and I think the sooner I understand that and the sooner I accept it the better off I will be.

I told my husband that I felt like I was losing myself, maybe I was wrong, maybe I was trying to be something I'm not. This isn't self pity by any means, maybe I need to shift my perspective to figure out how to live in this place better.

So what can you do for me, pray for me, educate yourself on mental health illnesses, and understand I'm trying,...but, I'm just so tired.....

Believeobey

Before going on this trip to Hogar De Vida in Costa Rica I already knew that I had a passion for restoration. For seeing the lives of others changed, to see them broken free from the bondage of strongholds on their lives. I have been humbled to be used by God many times to help encourage and speak into these transformations. He has placed me in the lives of people that I have grown to love deeply and through the gifting of the Holy Spirit, I have been shown places of hurt, places in need of healing; places where God wanted to fill those holes in their lives, in their hearts and in their spirits, places that only He could fill. I am humbled to be able to walk with them and show them the truth of who they are in Christ, to help them to see how much He loves them and what He has in store for them if only they would let Him. Through it all I get to witness such amazing transformations in people, and I wish I had words to express to you how completely and utterly overcome with the Joy only given by Heaven above, that I get each and every time. Sometimes it's as if my entire chest is just going to burst, and of course, because I am who God made me to be, I cry, every single time.

This trip I realized something; many times pouring into the lives of others to see restoration and healing, to get to a place where they are willing to break down the walls, it can sometimes take a very long time. I am SO willing to walk that road all the way to the end with those people for as long as it takes. Celebrating each step, each new discovery and thanking Jesus for His redeeming grace each and every time. However, do you know what happens on mission trips? Redemption and transformation can, and does take place in a matter of days!!!! Oh my goodness!! Time and time and time again I got to watch my team members fly with the freedom that comes from letting go of those things they've been carrying around with them for so long, things they thought they laid down, but had truly been carrying around in their back pocket. It just got so familiar to them that they didn't even realize it was weighing them down. I got to see one team member go from someone who wore shame like a wet blanket, all encompassing, heavy and hindering completely throw it off because of someone else sharing a testimony. At one point I thought for sure I was going to pass out because the Joy was so overwhelming.

I realized that I LOVE mission teams, I LOVE leading mission teams! I can do the hard work that mission trips entail, I'm okay with diving in and getting dirty right along side everyone else. Do you know why? Because in the time while we're working people share their stories, they tell you what God has done for them during the trip, they share the things that they had struggled with before the trip, they share the things that God is revealing to them for when they return home. Now, I know, Costa Rica is pretty easy as mission trips go, I also know that there are places that are hard, and would make me uncomfortable, I also know that there is no place that God can not transform lives, and that I want to be part of that. I don't know what it looks like from here, but I know that this is something that God has placed on my heart, and something that I'm going to pray over diligently and listen for words from Him.

Another interesting piece of this is my husband, one thing we have prayed for the last few years is that God would open doors for us to work together. In our minds it's a business of some kind, because that fits inside our "box". However, today we were hanging the art work that we bought in Costa Rica, and God whispered to him "sell your stuff and only decorate with artwork from your mission trips. Oh boy! Now who knows what this all looks like, and maybe it will be something that we've never even thought of before, but I know our hearts have been opened in a way they haven't been before.

We learned a new word on this trip from the director of Hogar De Vida, the word is believeobey, it removes the gap between the two words, so that there is nothing in between believing and obeying, if you believe you obey, it's as simple as that. Whatever God has in store from this point on, that is what I intend to do, believeobey.

I'm a failure

I failed, completely and totally failed, I'm weak and small and a failure. These are the thoughts that went through my head as I sat in the doctors office and he talked about anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I haven't taken meds for depression in 9 years. There was this sense of victory I had felt over it because of that. As my doctor started to talk to me about starting meds every year in October to help me through the winters, he talked so matter of factly like it's normal. All I could think of was I can't do this every year, I won't need to cause I'm not weak, I'm not a failure, it's just this year that's bad.

Jerry had gone with me, had sat in the chair next to me and shared his concerns with the doctor. There is just something so soothing about his voice, something that just brings a calm to me. He seemed to be in agreement with the doctor on the issue of meds, so maybe it was the right thing.

When the doctor stepped out, through tears I told Jerry the thoughts going through my head and as I heard what I was saying I thought how ridiculous it sounded. How could I feel this way, think this way, me, a mental health advocate that sees such importance in sharing information and trying to educate others about these diseases. Someone who wants so badly to change the worlds view on mental health and the people who are affected by it. Someone who has told others that there is no shame in taking medication, that it should be viewed no differently than a diabetic that has to take meds to keep her blood sugar in check.

It's taken me a couple days to process all of this, and to wrap my head around to a place where I can make sense of it all. I believe that mental health illnesses are one of Satans favorite tools. He doesn't have to really do anything to put bad thoughts in our heads, the illness does that for him. I mean seriously, I go through this every winter, it's miserable, I hate it and here right in front of me is something that can make it all go away, why would I not jump at the chance to make it go away?

So, I no longer feel like a failure, I feel like I'm conquering this thing. What warrior goes into battle without a weapon? My weapon against this giant comes in the form of a little white pill and that's totally okay, totally acceptable and there is no shame in it. I will take this pill till the sun shines on a regular basis and the fog that is Seasonal Affective Disorder lifts. Then next fall when I can feel the edges creeping back in, it will be time to go to battle again and pick up my weapon. This is a good thing and I'm looking forward to the other side of this.