Today I cried about ice cream.

First of all, let me tell you, I don't need any lectures, BELIEVE ME, I'm fully aware of the importance of taking care of myself, I'm also fully aware that most of the time I fail epically at this.

So last year was just a super hard year for me. I had so much going on and taking care of my physical health pretty much took a back seat.

I'm back to a place where I'm disgustingly aware of how much I've let myself go physically. It's not a vain thing by any means, it's truly how lousy I feel. Lets face it, breathing and tying shoes simultaneously would be a very welcome thing. My clothing that I love just doesn't fit right, and, yes, I also don't care to much for how I'm looking these days.

The last couple weeks I just haven't felt right. I've been so unbelievably tired that I could, and have nap all day long after sleeping in, and then go to bed early and wake up tired and want to do it all again. My balance has been a bit "off" lately, which I just assumed was my vertigo rearing it's ugly head. Annoying headaches that just seem to hang on. I've also been so incredibly thirsty lately that nothing seems to sate it, and making lots of extra trips to the bathroom. Today brought a new symptom though. I was holding one of my beautiful granddaughters, and had to set her down abruptly because I was about to lose the contents of my stomach. No warning, just the instantaneous need to vomit.

You see, I'm a type 2 diabetic and have been for years. I was really good at taking care of it, but then, the troubles of the last year really derailed me. Other than the weight I've gained I've not given it much thought other than a bit of the guilt that sets in when I'm eating things I shouldn't be. I know the dangers of not taking care of my diabetes, but wasn't aware of this type of thing occurring.

So after taking my blood sugar tonight, which I've not had to do on a regular basis, and being a bit alarmed by the 286 staring at me on my meter, I went to the store to get some food that I could eat. While there, I walked past the watermelon, the cakes, the cookies, and most devastatingly, the ice cream. I LOVE ice cream. No more 1/2 pints of my favorites that I eat in one sitting 2 or 3 nights a week.

Yes yes, I know, I can treat myself occasionally,  however, I know myself too well. One little bite, of anything naughty and delicious and I become obsessed. One is never enough. So tonight I mourned the loss of ice cream. I mourned the joy of eating the creamy cold sweetness. I could say it's not fair, but I brought this all on myself with my poor eating habits and the amount of pure sugar I put in my body for most of my life.

Don't do what I did, don't find yourself mourning ice cream years down the road. Type 2 can be avoided if you practice moderation and good eating habits.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to throw my temper tantrum about having to eat good. sigh.

The News

So I'm married to this amazing guy that I'm crazy head over heels in love with. He's a pretty big deal in my life. So his happiness is of course something near and dear to my heart.

He's been wanting a change for a while, to get away from stress that's been heavy on him for several years, as well as just some just general discontentment. So we've been praying.

We've been praying for about the last 5 years or more for God to release him from his job. He's been looking for new jobs in the same field with similar pay or opportunity to move up and eventually return to similar pay. Much to our great dismay, God never gave him the go ahead, never opened any doors for him, and so he stayed. He stayed trying to see what God had for him to do in this place and each day trying his best to work for the glory of God.

The last 6 months or so have been particularly difficult for him to navigate through and we knew something had to give. So one night Jerry said, "I'm going to quit and work at home depot!" Wouldn't you know it, God finally released him from his job of 27 years.

April 2nd will be Jerry's last day at Follett, it's a job he's had our entire married life. What's he on to next you ask? No clue! He's got resumes out, and has some nibbles, but we're just trusting God to do what only He can and get us through this. James reminds us to consider it pure joy when we face trials, and this one is a trial of total and complete trust. I vacillate between excitement for things to come and panic for things to come....or not come. I know there are BIG lessons for myself to learn as we move into a less comfortable lifestyle. and I'm sure Jerry is looking at some lessons before him as well.

So here we go, this is one new big #adventurewithjerry, and it's going to be amazing. He's like a whole new person, or he remembered who he truly is without all the stress, very carefree, lighthearted and playful. I've never been so sure we've done the right thing in all of my life.  I've already lit a creative fire under him and we'll be exploring that avenue together which I'm over the moon excited about.  Plus the honey do list is growing......

I ask for prayers for us, prayers for God's provision, for wisdom as we make decisions regarding our future and for just the right job to come along for Jerry.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes......

Raise your hand if you like change......if I'm right, I'm guessing not too many people are crazy about it. I on the other hand am one of those who finds change exciting, like an adventure. Unless of course it's not a positive change, some change can be painful to navigate through. There is change that is imposed upon you, and the change you choose yourself. Small changes, like a new toothpaste brand, and big changes like moving to a new house.

Then there's that grey line of change that has essentially been imposed upon you and it's a bad change so you find yourself forced to make your own changes. Still with me? Good.

2018 is barely off to a start and we find ourselves with one of those grey area changes. Something we've been praying about for years, that God has either been silent or said no to repeatedly, He's finally said yes to. However, His perimeters in which He's said yes, are kind of hard to swallow.
(I know this is all vague, but we're not quite ready to share all the details with everyone just yet, that will come in due time. So just bare with me and hang on.)

This "yes" that God finally gave us is going to completely shake up our entire existence and the way we currently live our lives. This is one of those things that you just HAVE to trust that God knows what He's doing because there is no way we can make this work on our own. Jerry and I are swallowing worry and anxiety every single day sometimes several times a day and reminding ourselves that God is Faithful. We're second guessing ourselves daily and then reminding ourselves that God is Good. I can't speak for Jerry but I know my panic attacks are on high alert and I'm having a hard time pushing thru them without help. However, I remind myself that God keeps His Promises.

There is of course an element of excitement in this all too! We know that there is no way, we will be okay unless God does something big so,in between all the worry, there is this sense of great anticipation, and wide eyed wonder. It's like we're in the front row, sitting on the edge of our seats so we don't miss a single thing that He's doing. The thrill of having yet another testimony to share about the Goodness of God and trying to imagine what we'll have to share with others to give them Hope is almost overwhelming. This is a God sized change.

So watch this space for more to come, I'll share when the time is right, and I'll share all the good stuff that God does along the way. Probably all the hard stuff too.

*disclaimer: if you are one of the "inner circle" that knows about the "big change" I ask that you keep it under your hat until we're comfortable sharing with everyone. Thanks

The New Year

Like everyone else at the end of a year and the beginning of a new one, I reflect on what the past year held and dream for what the new year could be.

Last year was hard, no doubt, but with God leading the way we made it through just fine. As I look on it, other than my depression, (that has a purpose) I only see the good, because the good was so significant. We gained a son, a daughter and a granddaughter, how amazing is that!! I praise God for His faithfulness in working things out for our good. In some cases the good was and is hard to see, but we trust Him in all things, good and bad.

This new year has me very contemplative. This is the year I learn to be content. You would think that would be easy, however, for me it's probably one of the hardest things I've had to do.

For the last several months God has asked me to "be still", which I've done, but that isn't easy either. I have to shut off that part of my brain that always tells me I can do more. I've never had this much free time in my life. However, the being still is exactly what I need because I'm finding I get overwhelmed very easily when I try to do more.

Now God has added "seek" to my life, which ironically seems to go hand in hand with "be still". So for the last month or so I've been intentional about seeking God, not only in the pages of my Bible put in everyone and everything. It has been a beautiful thing and I can be okay with this, this is something I should've been doing all along.

Now comes the content part, one of the things my psychologist says in jest because of the way my brain cycles always looking for the next thing to be anxious over is, " heaven forbid you be happy". Most of the time I just brush it off because I am happy, but I keep waiting for that to change. I keep waiting for it to change because well, life happens, and I need to be prepared, to not be blindsided by something that's in front of my face if only I scrutinize, agonize and imagine hard enough I'll see it.

The other part of contentment and probably what I'm finding to be the hardest is feeling a bit, well, useless. I mean I know I'm doing the good wife, good mom, and good Lolly thing okay and there is purpose in all of those, but what am I doing for others? How am I furthering the Kingdom of Heaven or being the hands and feet of Jesus to others. I have things written on my heart that I'd like to be part of, but here I sit.

Part of me is very aware of how incredibly changed my life has become because of last winters dive into monster ugly depression. Because of that I'm having to almost rebuild every part of me one piece at a time. Yep, I have lots of free time, but as I alluded to before, I get easily overwhelmed which isn't good for me or my family. This frustrates me and truth be told I am embarrassed by it a bit, I mean seriously, many other people my age work full time jobs, and run a household and family. My husband works his tail off daily, and here I sit. I work 5 hours a week that I get paid for, I spend 1 day a week with my granddaughter and pretty much the rest of the week is mine. I'd like to be doing so much more than I am.

So in this season of learning to be content, I'm also learning that means to be content, not only with things, but with life. This doesn't mean that in the next season I won't be able to move forward into the things I long to do, but for right now, I need to learn to be content to be right where God has put me, to trust that He knows best and to be okay with that. To learn to stop the mental cycle of trying to find something to be anxious about, to stop reaching for the things that I know aren't for "right now", and just be happy seeking and being still and listening to God.

What does your 2018 look like?

the darkness returns

I'm just so tired, just so tired of all of this. Tired of fighting this battle, tired of  each day being a struggle, tired of all it. Tired of pretending to be okay because if I talk about how I'm not it makes people uncomfortable and they tend to distance themselves from me. Tired of all the medication, tired of all the deep aching soul sucking pain, tired of trying to take hold of my thoughts so they don't spin me out of control. Tired of fake smiles, tired of trying to fight off panic attacks without anyone noticing I'm about to lose it. Tired of having to force myself to do things when what I really want to do is disappear.

Now before you all freak out, you need to know I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to try to kill myself even though the enemy is constantly telling me I should. Yet another thing that makes me tired, fighting off his lies.

Yes I know you all love me, yes I know you all care, and I'm grateful for that. Yes I pray, yes, I read my Bible, yes I listen to Christian music, yes I  get out of bed, yes I take showers and get dressed, yes do all those things that everyone thinks you should do to "feel better". The difference is, the incredible amount of effort it takes to do those things is exhausting and completely draining. You know what's not draining? Letting it all just happen, letting it all just wash over me, letting all the darkness just be what it is. There is no effort required for that, it's comfortable, it's familiar and there are days when I welcome it and do nothing to make it stop.

Each time it slams me to the ground I'm humiliated by it, I feel like I've failed, and that I'm weak. How can I do things like be in leadership roles, or mentoring rolls when I cannot even hold myself together. How do I parent, how do I be a wife, an employee? What business do I have trying to help others when I cannot even help myself? Truly the only thing that works well in this is my art, because it comes from a place of emotion and passion and it's therapeutic.

I used to think that depression was something I had on occasion, and I don't think it defines who I am, but it's a part of me, and I think the sooner I understand that and the sooner I accept it the better off I will be.

I told my husband that I felt like I was losing myself, maybe I was wrong, maybe I was trying to be something I'm not. This isn't self pity by any means, maybe I need to shift my perspective to figure out how to live in this place better.

So what can you do for me, pray for me, educate yourself on mental health illnesses, and understand I'm trying,...but, I'm just so tired.....

Believeobey

Before going on this trip to Hogar De Vida in Costa Rica I already knew that I had a passion for restoration. For seeing the lives of others changed, to see them broken free from the bondage of strongholds on their lives. I have been humbled to be used by God many times to help encourage and speak into these transformations. He has placed me in the lives of people that I have grown to love deeply and through the gifting of the Holy Spirit, I have been shown places of hurt, places in need of healing; places where God wanted to fill those holes in their lives, in their hearts and in their spirits, places that only He could fill. I am humbled to be able to walk with them and show them the truth of who they are in Christ, to help them to see how much He loves them and what He has in store for them if only they would let Him. Through it all I get to witness such amazing transformations in people, and I wish I had words to express to you how completely and utterly overcome with the Joy only given by Heaven above, that I get each and every time. Sometimes it's as if my entire chest is just going to burst, and of course, because I am who God made me to be, I cry, every single time.

This trip I realized something; many times pouring into the lives of others to see restoration and healing, to get to a place where they are willing to break down the walls, it can sometimes take a very long time. I am SO willing to walk that road all the way to the end with those people for as long as it takes. Celebrating each step, each new discovery and thanking Jesus for His redeeming grace each and every time. However, do you know what happens on mission trips? Redemption and transformation can, and does take place in a matter of days!!!! Oh my goodness!! Time and time and time again I got to watch my team members fly with the freedom that comes from letting go of those things they've been carrying around with them for so long, things they thought they laid down, but had truly been carrying around in their back pocket. It just got so familiar to them that they didn't even realize it was weighing them down. I got to see one team member go from someone who wore shame like a wet blanket, all encompassing, heavy and hindering completely throw it off because of someone else sharing a testimony. At one point I thought for sure I was going to pass out because the Joy was so overwhelming.

I realized that I LOVE mission teams, I LOVE leading mission teams! I can do the hard work that mission trips entail, I'm okay with diving in and getting dirty right along side everyone else. Do you know why? Because in the time while we're working people share their stories, they tell you what God has done for them during the trip, they share the things that they had struggled with before the trip, they share the things that God is revealing to them for when they return home. Now, I know, Costa Rica is pretty easy as mission trips go, I also know that there are places that are hard, and would make me uncomfortable, I also know that there is no place that God can not transform lives, and that I want to be part of that. I don't know what it looks like from here, but I know that this is something that God has placed on my heart, and something that I'm going to pray over diligently and listen for words from Him.

Another interesting piece of this is my husband, one thing we have prayed for the last few years is that God would open doors for us to work together. In our minds it's a business of some kind, because that fits inside our "box". However, today we were hanging the art work that we bought in Costa Rica, and God whispered to him "sell your stuff and only decorate with artwork from your mission trips. Oh boy! Now who knows what this all looks like, and maybe it will be something that we've never even thought of before, but I know our hearts have been opened in a way they haven't been before.

We learned a new word on this trip from the director of Hogar De Vida, the word is believeobey, it removes the gap between the two words, so that there is nothing in between believing and obeying, if you believe you obey, it's as simple as that. Whatever God has in store from this point on, that is what I intend to do, believeobey.

I'm a failure

I failed, completely and totally failed, I'm weak and small and a failure. These are the thoughts that went through my head as I sat in the doctors office and he talked about anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I haven't taken meds for depression in 9 years. There was this sense of victory I had felt over it because of that. As my doctor started to talk to me about starting meds every year in October to help me through the winters, he talked so matter of factly like it's normal. All I could think of was I can't do this every year, I won't need to cause I'm not weak, I'm not a failure, it's just this year that's bad.

Jerry had gone with me, had sat in the chair next to me and shared his concerns with the doctor. There is just something so soothing about his voice, something that just brings a calm to me. He seemed to be in agreement with the doctor on the issue of meds, so maybe it was the right thing.

When the doctor stepped out, through tears I told Jerry the thoughts going through my head and as I heard what I was saying I thought how ridiculous it sounded. How could I feel this way, think this way, me, a mental health advocate that sees such importance in sharing information and trying to educate others about these diseases. Someone who wants so badly to change the worlds view on mental health and the people who are affected by it. Someone who has told others that there is no shame in taking medication, that it should be viewed no differently than a diabetic that has to take meds to keep her blood sugar in check.

It's taken me a couple days to process all of this, and to wrap my head around to a place where I can make sense of it all. I believe that mental health illnesses are one of Satans favorite tools. He doesn't have to really do anything to put bad thoughts in our heads, the illness does that for him. I mean seriously, I go through this every winter, it's miserable, I hate it and here right in front of me is something that can make it all go away, why would I not jump at the chance to make it go away?

So, I no longer feel like a failure, I feel like I'm conquering this thing. What warrior goes into battle without a weapon? My weapon against this giant comes in the form of a little white pill and that's totally okay, totally acceptable and there is no shame in it. I will take this pill till the sun shines on a regular basis and the fog that is Seasonal Affective Disorder lifts. Then next fall when I can feel the edges creeping back in, it will be time to go to battle again and pick up my weapon. This is a good thing and I'm looking forward to the other side of this.

Have you ever.....

I think it was about 2 years ago when I was with a group of people at a conference, some of the people I knew well, while most of them I only met at the conference. It was day 2 of the conference and in that short time we'd been asked to share some intimate things, to be transparent with one another. Anyone that knows me, knows that I can usually do that pretty easily. On day 2 we played a game called Have You Ever? If you've never played it, it's pretty easy, you create a circle of chairs with 1 less chair than people. One person stands in the center of the circle and asks a question that they can answer yes themselves, for example, Have you ever been on an airplane? Everyone that can answer yes to it has to stand up and change seats. Whom ever is left without a chair now has to be in the middle and ask the next question. It all starts out with pretty generic easy to answer questions, but then as it progresses the questions get more personal. I can't recall what questions were asked before I was the one in the middle, but there I was. I had a choice to either continue in the same vein of personal questions or chicken out and ask an easy one. I sure thought about chickening out because that one personal question that was floating around in my head was most certainly not one that I wanted to share with others. This whole weekend was about being transparent and sharing with others. Sigh. So I did it, I asked the question, Have you ever planned your own suicide? It hung there in the air like a wet blanket, and no body moved....I stood there for what seemed like forever, then, finally, finally someone else stood up. Not that I ever want anyone else to ever feel the pain and darkness I had experienced but I'd never felt so completely naked and vulnerable in my entire life. I also felt great relief in knowing that I was not alone, that someone else understood how I had felt at that time in my life.

One of the things that I think is so hard about mental health is the feeling that you're alone and no one understands. I can tell you first hand that there is no truth in that and those are lies that mental health tells you, that the enemy tells you.

If you are in the place of hopelessness and pain and darkness, please know that there are people who care, who love you and want to help you. Reach out to them, reach out to me, reach out to someone!!

Observations

After church today where we had a sermon about spiritual parents and the things that you can observe about the way people talk and live to discover where people are on their faith journey I was in a place of heightened observation. I went to the grocery store to get something to make for lunch. I loved watching the elderly couple all dressed in their Sunday best shopping together. He followed behind her carefully pushing the cart so as not to run into the back her her heel as she made frequent stops to smell and squeeze produce and carefully choose just the right one. I wondered if she even noticed how gentle he was about it all or if over the years they've just become so accustom to one another that they don't even notice anymore. I noticed though.
I noticed the young Mama's with their little ones, and how getting through the grocery store with them can be challenging. One Mama who was in a hurry, was holding the hand of her about 3 year old little girl, walking along at a pace just a step or two faster than those little legs could keep up with. The little girl tripped and Mama scolded her for being on the ground rather than noticing that she was just doing her best to keep up. I cringed. Not only because I saw it from a different perspective, but because I remember being that Mama. One so wrapped up in the to do and walking too quickly and scolding unnecessarily.

Later at the check out there was a little boy and his Father. Dad was paying for their purchases and the little boy was chattering excitedly at the prizes in the gum ball machines near the check out. "Dad, look at this!!! Dad, Dad, come here I wanna show you!" As the boy was chattering on, his Father was asking the check out gal for quarters for the machines. I was struck at what a simple joy that was. A quarter for some cheap plastic toy that he'll no doubt lose or break before the day is out, but at that moment it was the greatest thing ever. I loved that the Dad took the time to allow the boy to discover the excitement of the gum ball machines. Then I wondered how many times my kids did the same thing and I hurried them along and said no.

Perspective and observation are such an interesting thing. I wanted to stop that elderly couple and ask them how long they'd been married to glean any bits of wisdom from them I could. I wanted to hug the Mama walking to fast for her daughter to keep up with and encourage her. I wanted to cheer on the Father that was participating in his sons excitement of something simple.

Stages of life, we all go through them, we're all in different places and people will show us where they are if we just take the time to observe them. It's important for those of us who have been there to speak wisdom and encouragement to those who are currently there. It's important for us to take encouragement and guidance from those who are ahead of us. It's important for us to recognize where we are ourselves so we know what our role is.

Slow down friends, life is short, pay attention, don't miss a thing!

Please excuse me while I worship.

This weekend I had an amazing worship experience, one that I wished would have never ended. An evening truly surrendered at the throne of my Savior.

In my every day I try to live my life in such a way that honors God. I do my best to show His love to everyone I meet. I'm not perfect, and I sometimes fail miserably. I try to remember to always keep my eyes open to not miss a single thing that He is trying to show me. I don't want to miss those things that are special love notes from Him just for me. I don't want to miss those opportunities that He places in front of me to share His love with someone. I try to always keep my ears open so that I can hear from Him when the Spirit nudges me to do something set up just for me to do. To listen to His voice calling out to me to pray for someone. I try to live my day to day for His Glory.

 I do all this while, being a mom, an artist, an employee, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a leader.
All of these things are the things that make up living life. All these things are what draws me away from spending my days and nights surrendered at the throne of my Savior worshiping Him in complete, relentless, all consuming worship like I experienced this weekend. I like to think that it was a tiny glimpse of what we get to do in Heaven, just praising Him day and night with reckless abandon, complete freedom to worship however we feel led to. I'm in no hurry to stop living the life that God has given me, but, man, I'm so excited for the day I'll get to go Home and worship in His presence all the time.

No More Boots

I have to tell you this post makes me feel very vulnerable, but there is growth and leaning in that, so I share. I just ask that you be gentle with me.

So a few months ago, our church started a new growth initiative called Multiply. As we grow larger as a congregation the needs of our church grow as well. Obviously there is a financial need to address the capacity our church can hold, but it doesn't stop there. We also need to increase our commitment to serve and use our time and talents to meet the needs as well.

As this was all unfolded for us I began to pray on what my role in all of this was. I serve regularly and we tithe regularly and I feel as though we are doing what God has called us to do.

One thing God did ask of us, was to increase our tithe over the next 2 years. I prayed as to just how that was going to be possible and how God was going to show up and make that happen and His plan was revealed to me rather loudly and rather quickly; no more shoe/boot shopping, no more clothing shopping. I cannot describe to you the complete and total peace I had about that when I told God that I was game for that. I want for nothing in either of those area's, I have way more than most.

However, as the days and weeks progressed I find myself having a hard time keeping up my end of this commitment. It's not that I need or want things, but it's more like I just plain old like to shop. It's hard to pass up that sale rack, or scroll past those ultra discounted gorgeous boots, simply because they are such a good deal. I'd love to tell you that I have not given in to temptation but that would be a lie. Oh how aware I am that it grieves the Spirit when I fail and it's a really icky feeling.

So as I try to process through all this as to why this is what God has called me to I had it in my head that this was a stewardship thing, that God was telling me I wasn't being a good steward with the treasures He has so richly blessed me with. However, I was struggling to see how that was the case. We've been tithing for years, and we give generously often. I didn't feel that it was the "stuff" so to speak because I've given away several pairs of shoes/boots and clothing over the years without too much hesitation and with great joy in being able to bless others with it.

I boiled it down to it was just a bad habit that God deemed I needed to break free from. You know, be more disciplined and have more self-control. That was until this morning....

This morning as I was searching for a devotion on discipleship to share with friends for an upcoming retreat I stumbled across one that kind of rocked my world. It used my very least favorite story in the Bible, the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22. I have a really hard time with that story, simply because I'm a mom and because I can't seem to quiet the thoughts that run through my head as I read that story. Yes, I fully understand the purpose and meaning behind it but it doesn't change the thoughts.

This morning God used that story to smack me upside the head! This part of the devotion is what drove home the point "When Abraham so wonderfully passed this test, God blessed him and spared his son (Genesis 22:3–18). In essence, God told him, "It's all right, Abraham. I never intended that you actually kill Isaac. I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might remain unchallenged there." Bam!!!

 Now I have a feeling that those of you that are reading this that actually know me, this might not have been a big stretch for you. You might have seen this coming a mile away. However, I always strive to live a godly life, to be a good Jesus follower. When God asked this of me I blindly assumed it was about the money, about being a good steward, about not spending our treasures frivolously. However, I didn't really get that either because I felt that we were doing what we're supposed to be doing. I've never once felt as though my shopping has stopped us from paying our bills or giving generously. I also blindly assumed that my heart was in alignment with Gods, that I had nothing that was competing for my heart. The struggle I'm finding in actually following through with this commitment, tells me otherwise.

So I share all of this with you, not only for my own benefit, but also to ask you to look inward and see what in your life does God compete for the throne of your heart for?

God's Glory

Right now there is this completely awesome and amazing thing going on in my community. A young girl was in a bad car accident and the out pouring of love and support for this family is so wildly and unfathomably spectacular it is something that those of us who know and love the Lord sit back and go, ahhh yeah, there's God doing what only God can do.

Facebook is blowing up all over the country, quite possibly the world, with shared up dates on this young lady's progress. People who have never even heard of this family have been praying for her. Fundraisers springing up every where to help cover the immense cost of all of it all, it's just incredible!

As I pray each day for this young girl's continued healing, for miracles to continue happening, for peace, strength and courage for her family, for wisdom and knowledge for the medical staff that is caring for her and for the Joy of the Lord to radiate from the tips of her toes to the top of her head, I find myself almost giddy with excitement. Not for what you'd think though. Not because God is doing more than we could have ever imagined. Not because a community is coming together to support this family. Not because she continues to pass milestone after milestone. All these things are amazing of course, but none of it is what has me just bubbling over with great anticipation.

What has me just bursting at the seams is knowing that through all of this, that there will be people who will come to know and love the Lord. I think of all the people that don't know who Jesus is, or have doubts that He is who He says He is. As I read each update and hear how God has shown up each day, how her family shares of the miracles that God has done, the hope that they have because of Him, I pray for those that read those posts that don't know Jesus. I pray for those that live hurt and broken lives and feel so completely lost and hopeless in them. I pray that through all of this, that they would come to know their Daddy in heaven that wants to love them, who wants to comfort them, and give them hope and joy abounding.

I wish there was a way for us to know how this all unfolds, how many lives have been forever transformed by the love of our Savior because a young girl got in a car accident and the family chose to reach out to the community for prayer. I wish there was a way to trace the fingerprint of God through each and every one of them. If you're one of those people, I want you to know that I pray as fervently for you as I do for her.

Pray Hard.
Pray Often.
Pray Now.

Overwhelming art.

On the morning of September 21st, the day after our churches annual meeting, I woke up with an idea. It was an idea that was so clear, and so fully formed that I knew it wasn't my own idea, so I welcomed it and knew eventually it would happen. However, life is busy, and sadly most often my art is what loses out. This was however, an idea that was birthed of the Holy Spirit so it would not sit quietly and wait for long. Shortly after, with some not so gentle nudging from God,  I approached my pastor about putting up some artwork at church and just vaguely explained the idea and got his approval to hang it.

Next was deciding where at church to hang it so I knew what size canvas to get. The wall we chose is quite large, so a 5x6 foot canvas is what I purchased. (getting it home was surely an adventure I won't soon forget). I made my templates and started working on cutting out some paper dolls in my spare time. I was still sort of just taking my time, figuring that I wouldn't need to hurry and I could just do it at my own pace, I had no deadline.

Then the day came when I had decided I would tackle my back ground. I had a feeling I was in trouble when I started to unwrap the plastic from it and I was overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. However, I just chalked it up to the fact that it was so large and it had been a while since I'd done any canvas work, (never mind the fact that I cry often and easily).

I picked my paint colors and began painting on the background colors. As I was painting, an idea that had come to mind a few days early showed up again. The idea that my church family should be part of this. Since this was to represent that we were all moving together, yet, in our own uniqueness, in disciplining others to know Jesus and experience life in Him, maybe this was truly bigger than just me. However, as I had earlier, I dismissed the idea as ridiculous and moved on. Well, about half way through getting the background painted,  the overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to share this idea with my pastor was almost crippling. I set my paint brush down, emailed my pastor, nearly begging him to not like the idea so I didn't have to be responsible for all that. Of course he loved the idea and then all of the sudden I had a deadline.

So I figured out how many dolls I was going to need to cover the canvas the way I wanted it. To say I was shocked that it was going to take so many was an understatement. Good thing I have so many good, and willing friends and family that can cut out paper dolls while we have great conversations or watch TV together. Forever grateful for them all.

All the dolls were all brought to church for 2 Sundays in a row and set out for people to sign them. I then had 2 weeks to get the canvas done. To say that I greatly underestimated the amount of time this would take to complete is an understatement. I would spend hours getting the dolls onto the canvas only to step back and take a look and it wouldn't look any further along than it had when I first started it. Outlining them after they were all on the canvas took an entire 8 hours. I never anticipated that.

Another thing I didn't anticipated is the way that God spoke to me through it. He asked that I pray for each person as I put them on the canvas. Not just general prayers but real true personal prayers. For most of them there was no way for me to know who this person was who had written their name. As I placed each one on the canvas  I placed my hand over it and He spoke to me about the needs of each person. There were some that were quick easy prayers and then there were some that flooded me with emotion and I had to pause and pray fervently as the tears would flow.  I was extremely overwhelmed by the weight of  this piece and truly in awe that God had chosen me to be part of this.

That part, the part right there, when it becomes not merely something I do, but something that God does through my art that I so desperately wish I could fully and adequately explain to people in such a way that you could get a glimpse into the experience. Holy Spirit lead art, for me, is a more personal and intimate than any worship experience, and prayer time, and any time in the word that I have ever experienced. No Jesus Culture concert, no Women's conference or Good Friday or Christmas Eve service comes even close in comparison. It is no longer I that am creating, but God creating through me. Each stroke of the brush is from God, each color choice, image placement, medium used, is Gods.

At the end of it, when the piece is completed, when it is given away, hung up or presented I walk away humbled from the experience, and wishing I could just blend into the background and not be part of the recognition of it all. I'm emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and it usually takes me a day or two to recover from the experience. I so desperately want to sit in that space forever, to feel the closeness of my Maker, to feel His hand in mine, to so clearly hear His words guiding me along. Sadly the noise of the world and the every day grind creeps in and takes over....until the next time. I can't wait for the next time.

A Warrior? Who? Me?

Some time ago God told me He sees me as a warrior. I thought that was the silliest thing ever. Me, a warrior? Ridiculous! For the life of me I couldn't see what He saw so I tucked it away for a later time when maybe it would make sense. Well, it's beginning to....

I've been involved in ministry in one way or another for about the last 8 or 9 years, kids ministry, host team and small group ministry. I have loved it all! However, until now it hasn't really been all that challenging.

Now, I've stepped into a role in ministry that seems to consume me. I should preface this by saying that this consumption is a good thing. It's this thing where it consumes me because I want so desperately to do well that which I've been called to do at this stage in my journey. Growing the Kingdom of God is not something to be taken lightly.

As I look back it seems to have begun in Costa Rica when I asked God to reveal to me just how exactly He expected me to lead. He gave me Ephesians 4:1-3, '.....walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.' Doesn't seem any less of a daunting task now than it did then, however, I have come to understand that He doesn't expect me to be and do all those things on my own, for without Him, I cannot accomplish anything.

I have stepped into a role in ministry as a coach of small group leaders. Being a leader of leaders, oh my! When I sit down with these men and women that have embraced their ability to love on others, to encourage others and through all this are making a Kingdom impact, I'm humbled to think that God has positioned me in such a place to come along side these people and lead them. This is not a role to take lightly, something that I should be consumed by, something this important cannot be a part time commitment.

So when through my studies God repeatedly takes me to passages of battles, that term warrior keeps making an appearance. Through every battle there is a reoccurring theme, if they listen and obey God and do as He has commanded, they win. If they follow their own strategy and stray from the path that God has set before them, they lose. If their leader, the warrior in charge, doesn't fear God and lead his army to do the same, defeat is inevitable. However, when they listen to God and obey His commands they win battles in sometimes ridiculous ways that one cannot question that it is a battle won by the Lord.

This mornings reading took me to a place in my Bible that I had journaled as I was preparing to go to Costa Rica,  Joshua 1. It is the passage where Moses has died and God has commissioned Joshua to take his place and lead His people into the Promise Land. In this passage God reminds Joshua not to stray from what the Book of the Law says, in verse 8 God says 'This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous and then you will have good success.' A perfect reminder that I cannot fight this battle, I cannot win this war, if I am not consistently immersed in the Word of God.

So okay, I suppose Warrior might be a "thing", however, one thing is for certain, it is a not a role I take lightly. I believe that I am in the most important battle of my life, growing the Kingdom of God and leading others to do the same. All the while praying, reading, listening and obeying the commands of the King, for it is only through this that I will be successful.

Being eaten, one nibble at a time.

So there's this thing that's been gnawing at me for a while. I keep feeding it snacks in hope to keep it at bay, but it's becoming ravenous and pretty soon it will consume me entirely. The problem is I cannot for the life of me figure out how to fit it in.

I have this deep, burning, needful, desire to totally throw myself into a great big giant messy paint filled canvas of amazing awesomeness. I have visions of rolling out canvas in the middle of my living room floor and painting with my fingers, my hands, my elbows, my knees and my feet. To feel the coolness of the paint just seeping into my pores. To spend days finding paint that I didn't know was there to wash off.

I have ideas and thoughts and visions in my head of things to do, big, bold, colorful, loud fabulous ideas. Things that I'm trying so desperately to appease into calmness by doodling my refrigerator, journaling in my Bible and random doodles left willy nilly all over the place at work.

Life keeps happening. Work keeps happening. Time keeps sucking away. How do I fit it all in?

Always A Choice.

ADOPTION:
1: to take legally as one's own child
2 : to take as one's own 
3 : to accept formally 

Adoption plays a big part in our life. We have 1 daughter that we adopted when she was a year old, and another that we adopted as an adult. I myself have been adopted by my Dad. My husbands side of the family has had several adoptions through the years. Adoption is an awesome thing!

Along with my 2 adopted children I also have 3 biological children. So I have experienced both ends of the spectrum. We planned our pregnancies so none of them were a surprise, although we'd have welcomed any had they been. Here's the thing though, adoption is 100% ALWAYS a choice. NEVER can anyone say, "oops, we thought we were careful but, we adopted". Sure, there are probably times when adoptions happen that weren't planned, our first adoption was that way, we weren't looking for it but the opportunity presented itself and we gladly accepted it. However, we still had a choice, we could have chosen not to. When we said yes to adoption we said yes to giving these children a loving, safe, forever home. These children have come into our homes looking for a family, for a mom and a dad and possibly siblings. People to love and be loved by always. Not a temporary home, like foster care or orphanages can be, but a forever home.

My heart is just so grieved by the local news of a family who chose adoption and then chose to abuse their adopted children. My heart is grieved by the fact that for one of our daughters, this is her 2nd adoption. My heart is grieved by the gruesome stories of sweet babies that could have been put up for adoption but were aborted and are now being sold as parts.

Worse then my heart being grieved is that it grieves the heart of God. A loving, caring God who adopted us all into His family if WE choose to be. The enemy is so cruel, he doesn't care how he goes about getting his foothold and spreading hate instead of love. No one is safe, not even the children.

Prayers abound from my heart for all of this. I rest in the promise that Joy will come in the morning, because He is good, all the time, He is good.

A Letter to the Oldest Child

One Sunday as I was sitting in the lobby of our church doing some Bible Journaling, there was a group of young mom's gathered on the couch in front of the fire place sharing stories. One of the things they were talking about was how spoiled their youngest sibling is/was. About all the things that were different about how they were raised vs how their youngest sibling is/was. How they got away with so much more, how they have so much more. Being an oldest child, I totally get this, I too had those same complaints when I was younger, then....I had children of my own.

I have 5 kids, some born to me, some not, some I raised from infancy some didn't become mine till they were older, they're all mine just the same. As I listened to the complaints of the Moms around the fireplace that Sunday morning things stirred in me. As I listen to my own oldest complain about similar things, I feel compelled to explain. So here goes:

That oldest child, the very first born, a culmination of first time excitement and fear all rolled into one. You discover you're pregnant and get to experience that for the very first time, It's all new and strange and fascinating. For the very first time you get to feel the joys and pains of pregnancy and labor and delivery. You have nothing else to compare it to so you do what you think is right based on what the doctor tells you, the countless books and articles you read and advice of women who've been through it before. You make what you feel are the best choices about it all, learning as you go along. However, when the next one comes along, you learn what worked with the first one, what didn't and you start from there.

As you raise your first one, you've never done this before, you have no point of reference for any of this. It's all trial and error. Which bottle to use, what diapers work best, strict schedule or fly by the seat of your pants? What schools are best? Do you spend the money on expensive clothes/shoes or will they grow so fast it's not worth it? Do you let them stay up late on weekends? Can they drink soda? Hold old is old enough to stay home alone? Can they stay at friends houses? When should they learn how to ride a bike? The list is virtually endless and for the most part, you don't have any of the answers.

The next ones come along and you've got the basics down but each child is different and what worked for one may not work for the others. Praises that mean something to one child, another may not care about that. Punishments that worked for one, may not phase the next. Encouragements in certain areas may send one child zooming to excel and the next one may not have that same love language so you have to find one that works for them. There is no magic formula that you can employ to raise each child the same, because thank God, each one is so different.

So, by the time that youngest child comes around, lots of things have happened, your parents have grown older, hopefully they've also grown wiser, but they've certainly grown tired. When that youngest child comes along you've discovered, for the most part, what battles are important, what ones, if handled properly, can be avoided, and what ones aren't even worth having. The things we thought were important when the oldest was young we've come to discover isn't really worth the struggle. Would I like his room to stay clean, yep, sure would, but I'd much rather just shut the door than have that fight. When my oldest was younger I thought that it was important for her to have a clean room, how could I possibly teach her how to keep a house when she's older if I don't make her keep her room clean? Never mind the fact that mine is almost never clean. (do as I say not as I do right?). However, I've learned that when they move out they manage to figure it out and all those battles about the messy room weren't really worth it after all.

The other thing that happens as the oldest grows up and moves out and you only have 1 or 2 left at home that seems to make the oldests think the youngests are spoiled, is as parents we now have more money. The one thing that I remember being so excited about when my oldests moved out was suddenly my shampoo lasted me WEEKS!!! Literally, I used the same shampoo for almost a MONTH!!! Toilet paper was another, by the time grocery day came around again I still had some left from the last grocery day and I didn't go buy any in between!! It was glorious. My water bill went down, my electric/gas bills went down, my grocery bill went down. So things that we gave up years before have now crept back into our lives. We got cable again, we go out to eat more often, we buy steaks more often. We're not spoiling our youngest, we're spoiling ourselves!

So oldests, you got the best and the worst of your parents. You got the best because you were the only child that could ever say they were our only for a time. You are the only one that got our full, undivided attention at all times. You got us when parenthood was a new and fun, an exciting adventure. You were the only one that didn't get sibling hand me downs. You got the worst because you were also the one that we learned what not to do. We're so grateful for those learning experiences with you and hope that as you have children of your own we can share those trials with you so you may learn from them as well. Know this for sure though, we love you all so very, very much, and from oldest to youngest I wouldn't change a thing.

When healing isn't part of God's plan

In July of 2013 my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We were devastated. Her oncologist was insistent that we start treatment immediately, which we were grateful for, yet, also concerned about.

The scans they did showed tumors throughout her liver and her lungs. My Mom didn't want to even see her scans, it was all very frightening to her. We were later to discover that it had also gotten to her bones, and quite possibly her brain.

We all started to say our prayers, asking for God's healing hand to reach down and erase all signs of the cancer from her body. Praying continuously for just that. Our God is the Great Physician, there is nothing He cannot do and we were trusting Him for it.

Several treatments later, her scans were repeated and the tumors in her liver were all but gone, and the one large tumor in her lungs had shrunk considerably. Praise God!! We asked for healing and that's what we were getting....or at least more time with her.

You see, during one of my prayer times with God, as I prayed desperately, pleading for the life of my Mother, God shared with me that healing was not part of His plan. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how His plan didn't include her healing. Further more, how could He share that with me? It took some time before I could ask Him, if healing wasn't part of His plan, what was?

His answer was so beautiful, to this day I can still hear it just as He spoke it, "let me show you My Glory". God had something He wanted to do and my Mom's illness and death was to be part of how He did it. I wish I could say that I was immediately excited to see what He was going to do, but I wasn't. Especially after seeing those scans, I have to admit I thought maybe God had changed His mind. However, it wasn't long after that that we began to see evidence that it wasn't going to "stick". I needed to change my perspective.

So as God had reminded me repeatedly, He was going to show us His Glory, I started to be intentional about watching for it. It wasn't big earth shattering things, just small things, but things that added up.

My Mom's Faith had suddenly blossomed. She was saying things I'd never heard her say before, she had a new Hope that seemed to just run through her. Not only was she saying things about God to us, her family, but it seemed that it just flowed into conversations with everyone. One of my favorite things I remember her saying to one of the chemo nurses was "I see cancer as a win-win, either I'm here on earth praising God or I'm in heaven praising God". God's Glory.

 There was a shift in her attitude and her demeanor, and because of that shift there was also a shift in mine with her as well. Suddenly I found myself having conversations I wished I had been able to have had with her throughout my adult life.  A life time of hurt and misunderstandings gone in a matter of weeks as we sat though her chemo treatments together, talked on the phone, and visited with each other. I suddenly had the relationship with my Mom that I'd always wanted. I was so completely grateful for that opportunity. God's Glory.

My brother had a bit of a falling out with our family for a while, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and things just seemed so far from repair. I missed my brother something fierce and had just resigned myself to understanding that the relationship we once had would probably never be again. Personal conversations just weren't going to happen any more and things were just stiff and informal. Our family would just have this tear in it that we'd all step over and be grateful that it hadn't ripped completely and that we had hung on to small shreds still attached.Then, Mom got sick and suddenly things changed. There was an urgency to make things right, to make things better, to agree to disagree and just love one another. It wasn't a pretty or an easy mending, and there are still some gaps here and there, but we all got a taste of what is important, what matters. I suddenly had my brother back and I am overjoyed. God's Glory.

Through all this I learned to shift perspective. I learned that no matter what I'm going through that if I just try to find God's perspective that I can see things differently than I do through my own eyes. I have found that through Mom's illness I was able to learn how to trust in God in ways that I never had before. I had trusted that He would provide for me and my family, that He would make things good, often times even better than I expected. This was the first time that I knew that He wasn't going to make things all better and good. In the end, my Mom was going to die from this terrible disease. I learned to trust Him in ALL things, even the things that don't turn out all pretty with a bow on top. In ALL things God is good. God's Glory.

My Mother died on January 21st 2014 in a hospital bed in Janesville Mercy Hospital. She was surrounded by her children who all sobbed as we gave her permission to let go and land in the arms of her Heavenly Father. She took her last breath as I read the last line of Psalm 23. It was a beautiful passing, and as much as my heart broke that she was no longer with us I had blessed assurance that she was in Glory, God's Glory.

Part of why I share this story, is to say, that sometimes God's plan is painful. Sometimes healing isn't part of His plan. Sometimes He has plans that are bigger than healing. I look at all the things that have occurred through my Mom's death and if God had chosen to just heal my Mom, yes, we would have had the testimony of a miracle, but we would have missed out on so much more. Over time I imagine that a miracle of Mom's healing would have lost it's luster, it would have become common place in our lives and eventually it may have even been forgotten, or possibly, we might have not even seen it as a miracle. The lessons I learned, the things that God showed me through all of this, continue to help me grow in my walk with God. They have given me wisdom to share with others, a testimony that speaks volumes, one that I think of and repeat often. God's Glory.

God's plan is often nothing like our plan, God's plan, is ALWAYS perfect. God's Glory.

24 Years

24 Years, 24 years as Mrs. Lisa Gifford, that's a glorious thing! I'll be honest when I said I do and imagined 24 years later, this isn't what I imagined. There's no way I could've. Our lives are so much different now than they were then.

The day we said "I Do", in 1991, it snowed. Yes, it snowed. Gotta love Wisconsin weather. Man, we were just kids. I look at my own kids, and yes, I know 2 of them are engaged, yet, I think, you're not old enough to be thinking of getting married. They're just kids. There is so much they don't know yet!

However, I wouldn't change getting married to Jerry at 23 for the world. At the time, I truly felt like he was saving me. Saving me from the mess that I felt my family was, saving me from the financial disasters I'd created, and in essence saving me from myself. He was my safe place. Probably not the healthiest way to step into an life long commitment, but it's what I felt the time. I wasn't wise enough, or mature enough, and no one had taught me that marriage was to be something more than a life preserver.

The first year was exciting and stressful all at the same time. Still kids trying how to figure out how to do all this, then on our first anniversary we brought home our first child. The next year, we adopted our 2nd, the 3rd year we gave birth to our third. Those first years of our marriage is a blur of changing diapers, chasing toddlers, pinching pennies and qualifying trips to the grocery store while my parents watched our daughters for an hour, as a date.

Now 24 years later, all but 2 of our 5 kids are out of the house, 4 of them out of school with our youngest just finishing up his Junior year in high school. Our lives have gone from chasing toddlers, kissing boo-boo's and eating pretend food, to praying that the things we taught our kids along the way will have stuck as they step into adulthood. Trying not to focus on the areas of our parenting where we wish would have known so that we could have done things differently, and trusting that God will fill in the gaps. As for dates, we can date when ever we want to, no sitters, no "need to be home by" time, heck not even planning ahead if we don't want to, we just decide to go and we do, it's a beautiful thing.

In year 24, I no longer feel as though I need him to save me. In the 24 years we've been married, he's encouraged me, he's come along side me, he's given me courage, shares his wisdom, and loves me more deeply that I ever knew was possible.  So yes, I guess he did save me, but in ways I could never have imagined. He saved me by showing me I had worth, by showing me that I could be strong, he saved me by loving me.

In talking with one of our engaged daughters and her fiancee, he told them, "you think you're in love now, and I'm not doubting that you are, but the love you feel for one another now, is minuscule compared to the love you will feel when you've been married as long as we have". Oh so true.  It's like trying to describe what chocolate tastes like to someone whose never ate it. There just aren't words.

One of the biggest, and greatest changes from year 1 to year 24 is that God is the center of our marriage. Not that we weren't both believers when we were first married, however, we just didn't understand that there was more to it than just believing. We didn't understand that whole relationship with God thing. Our marriage might have been good up until we figured out that God needed to be the center of it, but nothing compared to how it is now. It's like comparing a pair of boots from Walmart to a pair of  Frye leather  boots. I thought Walmart boots were good, and cute and yay, they were cheap. Until I got my first pair of Frye boots and oh my goodness, mind blown!! No way would I ever want put a pair of Walmart boots again. (no offense to those that like Walmart boots, just had to speak my language there for a bit LOL).

So, as we start the next 24+ years of our lives together I look forward to all the adventures that await us. I'm already resigned to the fact that it most likely won't look anything like I imagine it will. I cannot presume to know God's plan for our lives, but He's faithful and He's good and I know that no matter what the next chapters of our lives look like that it's what He has in store for us. I'm so grateful each day for the gift of being Mrs. Jerry Gifford II, it's been better than my wildest imagination!

Don't miss it!

What do you pray for? Do you only pray for big things? Only pray for others? Only pray in times of need? Or do you pray each day to see God?

Part of my every day prayer, most times before I even step foot out of my bed, I pray that God would use me to impact the lives of others today. Up until recently I'd pray that and then go about my day hoping and expecting that God would do just that but never really seeing it happen. Being the person that God made me to be interacting with others is second nature. It's not a stretch for me to talk to others, strangers even, to encourage and compliment and share smiles and laughter with people. It's just what I do, it's who I am. So it makes sense that God would use me in that way, it just didn't seem to me that He was.

However, one day about 2 weeks ago, I had a short like 10 minute conversation with a woman. Someone I knew from things she had said over time that she was in a place of loneliness or insecurity. Although I had encouraged her before, but I never really felt like we ever connected. We don't really hang out or talk other than Facebook comments and the occasional "Good Morning" on Sundays. I saw her out and about one day and we chatted and I talked to her about Bible Journaling. Short conversation, however when I walked away I got this nudge in my spirit that told me I'd just made a difference. I remember thinking, "what? how?, I just talked to her.". Then it became clear that, God was using how he made me to do just what I'd asked Him to do. Ummm Duh!!!

I think when I prayed this prayer each morning I expected it to be something big. A moment when I'd get to share my testimony or lead someone to Jesus. Something much more magnificent then a short 10 minute conversation about something I love to do. That just seemed way too simple. From that moment on I begun to look for the little things, for the small ways He was using me to impact the lives of others. I began to think back over time and was able to see that it truly was almost daily He answered my prayer. Wow, would you just look at that! God answered my prayers! Oh what a glorious thing to know that I matter enough to Him that He answers my prayers.

I wonder how many other things I'm missing because I'm looking only for the big things. I think we need to pay attention to the small things that we'll miss if we aren't focused on Him. The big things happen and are really easy for us to spot, however, we must remember that God is in the whisper, and unless you're paying attention, you'll totally miss it.

In the words of Aerosmith...."I don't want to miss a thing".