Changes

What a year this has been. So much is so different. 3 of my 5 children have moved out. I have a new job. Started a new small group. Knee surgery and now I can't run. My mom is gone. My house stays cleaner. We use less toilet paper.

It's midnight on the eve of Christmas eve. We do Christmas with our children on Christmas eve morning. A tradition we started when they were little because Christmas morning was spent at the in-laws. That has since been changed as kids got older and had families of their own, my in-laws got older, yet we still do Christmas eve morning here with the kids. However, even that has changed, instead of giggly little kids who can hardly wait crawling out of bed before the sun rises to dig through stockings and tear open presents, we're starting at 10:00am so that the ones that no longer live here can get her without having to get up too early. It's not longer just our family, now there are boyfriends to add to the mix as well.

As I sit here listening to Christmas music and gazing at the tree I'm so aware of all the changes. Not bad changes necessarily just different. A new stage in our life is blossoming as we move forward. Things are shifting from having to worry about and parent our children to worrying differently about them and the parenting has turned into advice or words of encouragement, wisdom. Watching them grow and experience new firsts, it's almost like when they were toddlers again. So much joy in watching them work through their struggles on their own. Watching them experience new joys of living on their own and seeing them learn the skills it takes to be a grown up in this, sometimes not so nice world we live in. I am so proud each time one of them makes it through a struggle on their own. I know sometimes it's not easy and asking Mom and Dad for help would be an easy thing to do, yet they don't. Maybe, just maybe we've done something right. I hang onto those little glimpses that we didn't screw them up too bad.

I have high hopes for 2015, not quite sure what it will bring, but I'm hoping less pain and sorrow than 2014 carried with it. I know that the start of it will be amazing with my trip to Costa Rica, towards the end of it, in September, will be amazing as well with Kellie's wedding. It's the middle that will be full of surprises. I hope joyous surprises.

Each year I try to have a motto or a focus to work through. 2014 was my year of moving forward. I think I did okay with it and did my best not to sit in my sorrow, or discouragement. I said yes to things that felt like it was a step in the right direction and no to the things that weren't. I haven't completely figured out what my focus for 2015 will be, but I'm leaning towards a year of good health. My knee surgery this summer has thrown a wrench in how I was taking care of myself. I need to refocus, find something that works for me and get back on track controlling my diabetes properly. However, it's not January yet, so something may come along that feels more right.

Changes aren't bad, they're different, it's all in your perspective, and if I've learned anything from my Mom's illness and ultimate passing, it's finding God's perspective is what makes it sweet. God's perspective is always right, always perfect and never failing.

A Shift in Perspective

If you've talked to me about Christmas anytime in the last several years the words "I hate Christmas" have most likely come out of my mouth. Truly, the stress of not having enough money, not finding the "right" gift. The schedules of it all, the constant running. What is there to enjoy in all of that? In my mind, not a darn thing! For me, the ideal holiday is Thanksgiving, simply family and friends coming together to share a meal and time with one another. Why can't Christmas be like that?

So fast forward to today. I have been trying to force myself into the mood for all of this nonsense by watching movies, browsing Pinterest for ideas and considering listening to Christmas music. Today I was in my studio, browsing the Pandora Christmas stations, trying to find one that wouldn't send me over the edge. Finally I gave up and all alone in my studio I said, "I hate Christmas". Oh boy!

Now, I know God is with me everywhere I am, not just in my studio, however, as I've shared before there is a difference in my studio, God meets me there. It's like when I open that door He's sitting there at my easel just waiting for me. It's almost as if there is this tangible, reach out and touch, have a conversation with, feeling of God there. Yes I know He's not a "feeling", but I'm not quite sure how else to put it into words. So even though I've said those 3 words before, this time when I said it, it was like God smacked me upside the head. I suddenly had this vision in my head of a painting of Jesus in the manger. I dismissed it cause, well, that's just not what I do, I don't do Christmas art. Why would I? Remember, Christmas is not my favorite. However, it wouldn't go away, the idea just kept growing...what would the background look like? How would I incorporate my love of mixed media into it so it wasn't just all painting? Does he have a face? Can you see it? So finally I sat down at my easel and said out loud, "Okay, fine, I'll do a manger". Without warning the emotion that flooded over me was so intense I began to sob. I began to understand what this was all about.

Much like my last post when God helped me realize how my words about Costa Rica grieve Him, He shared with me how it made Him feel when I said these things as well. Now, I know, Jesus most likely wasn't born on December 25th, however that is when we celebrate it. What was I saying to people when I said "I hate Christmas"? In essence I was telling people I hated the celebration of the birth of my Savior. He brought to mind something a co-worker who isn't a Believer said to me on Saturday when I said those 3 word. She said "how can you hate Christmas, aren't you a Christian?". Ouch! It didn't hurt then, but now that God has adjusted my perspective to His it sure does.

So okay, I can still hate the money stress and commercialism of it all, because that has nothing to do with my Savior's birth. I just need to shift my perspective of Christmas, to coin the phrase if you will, Jesus truly is the reason for the season. I need to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts when I think of Christmas. Christmas is is the celebration of Jesus, coming to this earth because He loves us all so much He was willing to die for us.

 I love my Savior, and I love Christmas.