I remember well the Sunday that Pastor Josh introduced us to the the orphanage Hogar De Vida through a video he showed at church. I thought, oh my goodness what an amazing place to go and serve and make a difference and love on those sweet children. Then it happened....the part of the video that showed a tarantula crawling out of a hole in a wall. Nope, not going to serve and make a difference and love on sweet children. This was CLEARLY not a place for me, this was a place for OTHER people to go to. I would happily pray and support them from the good ol US of A.
We've sent several teams over there since the showing of that video and without fail many have returned glowing and changed and swearing they never saw bugs and telling me I should go. However, just cause you didn't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there.
So fast forward to last year when my husband faced his Nineveh and went to Costa Rica. He came home with this "thing"about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on but was so very jealous for. So I asked him about the bugs, because of course he wouldn't lie to me, and he didn't. He shared a story of a very large spider that was in the bathroom. The bathroom of all places, you can't NOT use the bathroom. So however jealous for that "thing"he had, I was given pause by the whole giant spider thing.
Well, this past spring we sent another team, a team of guys to do tech stuff, some I'd call friends, others I'd call acquaintances. When they returned every single one of them in a span of about 3 weeks came to me and told me I needed to go there and paint murals. HA!! Yeah right, I've never painted a mural in my life, and lets not forget the bugs of extraordinary size that live there. Move along!!
Enter God....a God who is relentless, who doesn't give up when He has something He wants you to do, something He wants you to experience, something that is part of your path. Oh I wrestled with Him, I told Him NO, I cried at Him, I begged Him even, and God in His greatness wouldn't budge. Costa Rica was every where I turned, I'd wake up in the morning and it'd be in my head, I'd go to bed at night and dream about painting murals in Costa Rica. I'd go to the store and Costa Rican products would beat me about the head. It wouldn't go away!!! So finally, I gave in, I told God I would go. However, I thought, the next trip I could go on wouldn't be until next summer and possibly He would forget or I could bargain my way out of it by then. I also falsely believed that my agreement to go would mean the end of the daily beatings of Costa Rica. That was not the case!
Shortly after I agreed, God began to strongly press it upon my heart that I needed to tell Pastor Josh about this idea of God's. I thought how silly, it's a year away!! His wife is getting ready to leave on the most recent trip to Costa Rica and he's about to embark on 10 days or so of being a single dad. Why on earth does he need to know this now, it can wait. However, come that Sunday in church I felt if I didn't go tell Josh I needed to talk that I was going to burst, literally! Josh indulged me and we set up a meeting for Monday.
So we sit down and the first words out of my mouth were, "I'm supposed to go to Costa Rica", to which Josh replied "What?? This was what was so important you had to meet me now? That's a year away!!". So then I began to fill him in on God's ideas and suddenly the reason for the urgency became apparent as we discussed. Many plans to make but mostly the need to go during dry season, which is NOT in the summer, it's in the winter, which will be upon us before we know it. The time to announce this and move forward with it is now.
So many have asked and I have asked myself, is my fear of bugs REALLY that extreme that I would not want to experience this. I'm not gonna lie, that's huge, just like the bugs, however, as I've prayed and sorted through all these emotions I'm dealing with I've come to discover that it's much more than just big bugs.
There are a lot of things that give me pause, I'm not afraid to fly, it's just not my favorite, and that's a lot of flying. I also remember how difficult it was for me to be away from Jerry when he was gone, so that of course gives me pause. However, in my searching, I have come to discover what truly is my biggest fear.
My biggest fear is the changes and growing and learning that God is about to spew all over my life that scares me the most. My life is good, I am happy, joyful even. I know from past experiences that when God decides I need to learn and grow, my life gets messy and complicated. I don't like messy and complicated. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that when all is said and done and the dust settles I will be much better for it all, it's just the getting there that makes me weak in the knees.
So with a heart of obedience that I'm praying desperately to become a heart of desire, at the end of February I will board a plane to Costa Rica. I want to apologize in advance to the team that joins me, I will cry and I will probably cry a lot...daily. One thing I do know with great certainty, that God has brought me to this, He will see me through this and when I come home, I too will have that "thing"
P.S. prayers and donations greatly appreciated :)
