I think it was about 2 years ago when I was with a group of people at a conference, some of the people I knew well, while most of them I only met at the conference. It was day 2 of the conference and in that short time we'd been asked to share some intimate things, to be transparent with one another. Anyone that knows me, knows that I can usually do that pretty easily. On day 2 we played a game called Have You Ever? If you've never played it, it's pretty easy, you create a circle of chairs with 1 less chair than people. One person stands in the center of the circle and asks a question that they can answer yes themselves, for example, Have you ever been on an airplane? Everyone that can answer yes to it has to stand up and change seats. Whom ever is left without a chair now has to be in the middle and ask the next question. It all starts out with pretty generic easy to answer questions, but then as it progresses the questions get more personal. I can't recall what questions were asked before I was the one in the middle, but there I was. I had a choice to either continue in the same vein of personal questions or chicken out and ask an easy one. I sure thought about chickening out because that one personal question that was floating around in my head was most certainly not one that I wanted to share with others. This whole weekend was about being transparent and sharing with others. Sigh. So I did it, I asked the question, Have you ever planned your own suicide? It hung there in the air like a wet blanket, and no body moved....I stood there for what seemed like forever, then, finally, finally someone else stood up. Not that I ever want anyone else to ever feel the pain and darkness I had experienced but I'd never felt so completely naked and vulnerable in my entire life. I also felt great relief in knowing that I was not alone, that someone else understood how I had felt at that time in my life.
One of the things that I think is so hard about mental health is the feeling that you're alone and no one understands. I can tell you first hand that there is no truth in that and those are lies that mental health tells you, that the enemy tells you.
If you are in the place of hopelessness and pain and darkness, please know that there are people who care, who love you and want to help you. Reach out to them, reach out to me, reach out to someone!!
