the darkness returns

I'm just so tired, just so tired of all of this. Tired of fighting this battle, tired of  each day being a struggle, tired of all it. Tired of pretending to be okay because if I talk about how I'm not it makes people uncomfortable and they tend to distance themselves from me. Tired of all the medication, tired of all the deep aching soul sucking pain, tired of trying to take hold of my thoughts so they don't spin me out of control. Tired of fake smiles, tired of trying to fight off panic attacks without anyone noticing I'm about to lose it. Tired of having to force myself to do things when what I really want to do is disappear.

Now before you all freak out, you need to know I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to try to kill myself even though the enemy is constantly telling me I should. Yet another thing that makes me tired, fighting off his lies.

Yes I know you all love me, yes I know you all care, and I'm grateful for that. Yes I pray, yes, I read my Bible, yes I listen to Christian music, yes I  get out of bed, yes I take showers and get dressed, yes do all those things that everyone thinks you should do to "feel better". The difference is, the incredible amount of effort it takes to do those things is exhausting and completely draining. You know what's not draining? Letting it all just happen, letting it all just wash over me, letting all the darkness just be what it is. There is no effort required for that, it's comfortable, it's familiar and there are days when I welcome it and do nothing to make it stop.

Each time it slams me to the ground I'm humiliated by it, I feel like I've failed, and that I'm weak. How can I do things like be in leadership roles, or mentoring rolls when I cannot even hold myself together. How do I parent, how do I be a wife, an employee? What business do I have trying to help others when I cannot even help myself? Truly the only thing that works well in this is my art, because it comes from a place of emotion and passion and it's therapeutic.

I used to think that depression was something I had on occasion, and I don't think it defines who I am, but it's a part of me, and I think the sooner I understand that and the sooner I accept it the better off I will be.

I told my husband that I felt like I was losing myself, maybe I was wrong, maybe I was trying to be something I'm not. This isn't self pity by any means, maybe I need to shift my perspective to figure out how to live in this place better.

So what can you do for me, pray for me, educate yourself on mental health illnesses, and understand I'm trying,...but, I'm just so tired.....

Believeobey

Before going on this trip to Hogar De Vida in Costa Rica I already knew that I had a passion for restoration. For seeing the lives of others changed, to see them broken free from the bondage of strongholds on their lives. I have been humbled to be used by God many times to help encourage and speak into these transformations. He has placed me in the lives of people that I have grown to love deeply and through the gifting of the Holy Spirit, I have been shown places of hurt, places in need of healing; places where God wanted to fill those holes in their lives, in their hearts and in their spirits, places that only He could fill. I am humbled to be able to walk with them and show them the truth of who they are in Christ, to help them to see how much He loves them and what He has in store for them if only they would let Him. Through it all I get to witness such amazing transformations in people, and I wish I had words to express to you how completely and utterly overcome with the Joy only given by Heaven above, that I get each and every time. Sometimes it's as if my entire chest is just going to burst, and of course, because I am who God made me to be, I cry, every single time.

This trip I realized something; many times pouring into the lives of others to see restoration and healing, to get to a place where they are willing to break down the walls, it can sometimes take a very long time. I am SO willing to walk that road all the way to the end with those people for as long as it takes. Celebrating each step, each new discovery and thanking Jesus for His redeeming grace each and every time. However, do you know what happens on mission trips? Redemption and transformation can, and does take place in a matter of days!!!! Oh my goodness!! Time and time and time again I got to watch my team members fly with the freedom that comes from letting go of those things they've been carrying around with them for so long, things they thought they laid down, but had truly been carrying around in their back pocket. It just got so familiar to them that they didn't even realize it was weighing them down. I got to see one team member go from someone who wore shame like a wet blanket, all encompassing, heavy and hindering completely throw it off because of someone else sharing a testimony. At one point I thought for sure I was going to pass out because the Joy was so overwhelming.

I realized that I LOVE mission teams, I LOVE leading mission teams! I can do the hard work that mission trips entail, I'm okay with diving in and getting dirty right along side everyone else. Do you know why? Because in the time while we're working people share their stories, they tell you what God has done for them during the trip, they share the things that they had struggled with before the trip, they share the things that God is revealing to them for when they return home. Now, I know, Costa Rica is pretty easy as mission trips go, I also know that there are places that are hard, and would make me uncomfortable, I also know that there is no place that God can not transform lives, and that I want to be part of that. I don't know what it looks like from here, but I know that this is something that God has placed on my heart, and something that I'm going to pray over diligently and listen for words from Him.

Another interesting piece of this is my husband, one thing we have prayed for the last few years is that God would open doors for us to work together. In our minds it's a business of some kind, because that fits inside our "box". However, today we were hanging the art work that we bought in Costa Rica, and God whispered to him "sell your stuff and only decorate with artwork from your mission trips. Oh boy! Now who knows what this all looks like, and maybe it will be something that we've never even thought of before, but I know our hearts have been opened in a way they haven't been before.

We learned a new word on this trip from the director of Hogar De Vida, the word is believeobey, it removes the gap between the two words, so that there is nothing in between believing and obeying, if you believe you obey, it's as simple as that. Whatever God has in store from this point on, that is what I intend to do, believeobey.

I'm a failure

I failed, completely and totally failed, I'm weak and small and a failure. These are the thoughts that went through my head as I sat in the doctors office and he talked about anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I haven't taken meds for depression in 9 years. There was this sense of victory I had felt over it because of that. As my doctor started to talk to me about starting meds every year in October to help me through the winters, he talked so matter of factly like it's normal. All I could think of was I can't do this every year, I won't need to cause I'm not weak, I'm not a failure, it's just this year that's bad.

Jerry had gone with me, had sat in the chair next to me and shared his concerns with the doctor. There is just something so soothing about his voice, something that just brings a calm to me. He seemed to be in agreement with the doctor on the issue of meds, so maybe it was the right thing.

When the doctor stepped out, through tears I told Jerry the thoughts going through my head and as I heard what I was saying I thought how ridiculous it sounded. How could I feel this way, think this way, me, a mental health advocate that sees such importance in sharing information and trying to educate others about these diseases. Someone who wants so badly to change the worlds view on mental health and the people who are affected by it. Someone who has told others that there is no shame in taking medication, that it should be viewed no differently than a diabetic that has to take meds to keep her blood sugar in check.

It's taken me a couple days to process all of this, and to wrap my head around to a place where I can make sense of it all. I believe that mental health illnesses are one of Satans favorite tools. He doesn't have to really do anything to put bad thoughts in our heads, the illness does that for him. I mean seriously, I go through this every winter, it's miserable, I hate it and here right in front of me is something that can make it all go away, why would I not jump at the chance to make it go away?

So, I no longer feel like a failure, I feel like I'm conquering this thing. What warrior goes into battle without a weapon? My weapon against this giant comes in the form of a little white pill and that's totally okay, totally acceptable and there is no shame in it. I will take this pill till the sun shines on a regular basis and the fog that is Seasonal Affective Disorder lifts. Then next fall when I can feel the edges creeping back in, it will be time to go to battle again and pick up my weapon. This is a good thing and I'm looking forward to the other side of this.