the darkness returns

I'm just so tired, just so tired of all of this. Tired of fighting this battle, tired of  each day being a struggle, tired of all it. Tired of pretending to be okay because if I talk about how I'm not it makes people uncomfortable and they tend to distance themselves from me. Tired of all the medication, tired of all the deep aching soul sucking pain, tired of trying to take hold of my thoughts so they don't spin me out of control. Tired of fake smiles, tired of trying to fight off panic attacks without anyone noticing I'm about to lose it. Tired of having to force myself to do things when what I really want to do is disappear.

Now before you all freak out, you need to know I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to try to kill myself even though the enemy is constantly telling me I should. Yet another thing that makes me tired, fighting off his lies.

Yes I know you all love me, yes I know you all care, and I'm grateful for that. Yes I pray, yes, I read my Bible, yes I listen to Christian music, yes I  get out of bed, yes I take showers and get dressed, yes do all those things that everyone thinks you should do to "feel better". The difference is, the incredible amount of effort it takes to do those things is exhausting and completely draining. You know what's not draining? Letting it all just happen, letting it all just wash over me, letting all the darkness just be what it is. There is no effort required for that, it's comfortable, it's familiar and there are days when I welcome it and do nothing to make it stop.

Each time it slams me to the ground I'm humiliated by it, I feel like I've failed, and that I'm weak. How can I do things like be in leadership roles, or mentoring rolls when I cannot even hold myself together. How do I parent, how do I be a wife, an employee? What business do I have trying to help others when I cannot even help myself? Truly the only thing that works well in this is my art, because it comes from a place of emotion and passion and it's therapeutic.

I used to think that depression was something I had on occasion, and I don't think it defines who I am, but it's a part of me, and I think the sooner I understand that and the sooner I accept it the better off I will be.

I told my husband that I felt like I was losing myself, maybe I was wrong, maybe I was trying to be something I'm not. This isn't self pity by any means, maybe I need to shift my perspective to figure out how to live in this place better.

So what can you do for me, pray for me, educate yourself on mental health illnesses, and understand I'm trying,...but, I'm just so tired.....