Like everyone else at the end of a year and the beginning of a new one, I reflect on what the past year held and dream for what the new year could be.
Last year was hard, no doubt, but with God leading the way we made it through just fine. As I look on it, other than my depression, (that has a purpose) I only see the good, because the good was so significant. We gained a son, a daughter and a granddaughter, how amazing is that!! I praise God for His faithfulness in working things out for our good. In some cases the good was and is hard to see, but we trust Him in all things, good and bad.
This new year has me very contemplative. This is the year I learn to be content. You would think that would be easy, however, for me it's probably one of the hardest things I've had to do.
For the last several months God has asked me to "be still", which I've done, but that isn't easy either. I have to shut off that part of my brain that always tells me I can do more. I've never had this much free time in my life. However, the being still is exactly what I need because I'm finding I get overwhelmed very easily when I try to do more.
Now God has added "seek" to my life, which ironically seems to go hand in hand with "be still". So for the last month or so I've been intentional about seeking God, not only in the pages of my Bible put in everyone and everything. It has been a beautiful thing and I can be okay with this, this is something I should've been doing all along.
Now comes the content part, one of the things my psychologist says in jest because of the way my brain cycles always looking for the next thing to be anxious over is, " heaven forbid you be happy". Most of the time I just brush it off because I am happy, but I keep waiting for that to change. I keep waiting for it to change because well, life happens, and I need to be prepared, to not be blindsided by something that's in front of my face if only I scrutinize, agonize and imagine hard enough I'll see it.
The other part of contentment and probably what I'm finding to be the hardest is feeling a bit, well, useless. I mean I know I'm doing the good wife, good mom, and good Lolly thing okay and there is purpose in all of those, but what am I doing for others? How am I furthering the Kingdom of Heaven or being the hands and feet of Jesus to others. I have things written on my heart that I'd like to be part of, but here I sit.
Part of me is very aware of how incredibly changed my life has become because of last winters dive into monster ugly depression. Because of that I'm having to almost rebuild every part of me one piece at a time. Yep, I have lots of free time, but as I alluded to before, I get easily overwhelmed which isn't good for me or my family. This frustrates me and truth be told I am embarrassed by it a bit, I mean seriously, many other people my age work full time jobs, and run a household and family. My husband works his tail off daily, and here I sit. I work 5 hours a week that I get paid for, I spend 1 day a week with my granddaughter and pretty much the rest of the week is mine. I'd like to be doing so much more than I am.
So in this season of learning to be content, I'm also learning that means to be content, not only with things, but with life. This doesn't mean that in the next season I won't be able to move forward into the things I long to do, but for right now, I need to learn to be content to be right where God has put me, to trust that He knows best and to be okay with that. To learn to stop the mental cycle of trying to find something to be anxious about, to stop reaching for the things that I know aren't for "right now", and just be happy seeking and being still and listening to God.
What does your 2018 look like?
