The New Year

Like everyone else at the end of a year and the beginning of a new one, I reflect on what the past year held and dream for what the new year could be.

Last year was hard, no doubt, but with God leading the way we made it through just fine. As I look on it, other than my depression, (that has a purpose) I only see the good, because the good was so significant. We gained a son, a daughter and a granddaughter, how amazing is that!! I praise God for His faithfulness in working things out for our good. In some cases the good was and is hard to see, but we trust Him in all things, good and bad.

This new year has me very contemplative. This is the year I learn to be content. You would think that would be easy, however, for me it's probably one of the hardest things I've had to do.

For the last several months God has asked me to "be still", which I've done, but that isn't easy either. I have to shut off that part of my brain that always tells me I can do more. I've never had this much free time in my life. However, the being still is exactly what I need because I'm finding I get overwhelmed very easily when I try to do more.

Now God has added "seek" to my life, which ironically seems to go hand in hand with "be still". So for the last month or so I've been intentional about seeking God, not only in the pages of my Bible put in everyone and everything. It has been a beautiful thing and I can be okay with this, this is something I should've been doing all along.

Now comes the content part, one of the things my psychologist says in jest because of the way my brain cycles always looking for the next thing to be anxious over is, " heaven forbid you be happy". Most of the time I just brush it off because I am happy, but I keep waiting for that to change. I keep waiting for it to change because well, life happens, and I need to be prepared, to not be blindsided by something that's in front of my face if only I scrutinize, agonize and imagine hard enough I'll see it.

The other part of contentment and probably what I'm finding to be the hardest is feeling a bit, well, useless. I mean I know I'm doing the good wife, good mom, and good Lolly thing okay and there is purpose in all of those, but what am I doing for others? How am I furthering the Kingdom of Heaven or being the hands and feet of Jesus to others. I have things written on my heart that I'd like to be part of, but here I sit.

Part of me is very aware of how incredibly changed my life has become because of last winters dive into monster ugly depression. Because of that I'm having to almost rebuild every part of me one piece at a time. Yep, I have lots of free time, but as I alluded to before, I get easily overwhelmed which isn't good for me or my family. This frustrates me and truth be told I am embarrassed by it a bit, I mean seriously, many other people my age work full time jobs, and run a household and family. My husband works his tail off daily, and here I sit. I work 5 hours a week that I get paid for, I spend 1 day a week with my granddaughter and pretty much the rest of the week is mine. I'd like to be doing so much more than I am.

So in this season of learning to be content, I'm also learning that means to be content, not only with things, but with life. This doesn't mean that in the next season I won't be able to move forward into the things I long to do, but for right now, I need to learn to be content to be right where God has put me, to trust that He knows best and to be okay with that. To learn to stop the mental cycle of trying to find something to be anxious about, to stop reaching for the things that I know aren't for "right now", and just be happy seeking and being still and listening to God.

What does your 2018 look like?

the darkness returns

I'm just so tired, just so tired of all of this. Tired of fighting this battle, tired of  each day being a struggle, tired of all it. Tired of pretending to be okay because if I talk about how I'm not it makes people uncomfortable and they tend to distance themselves from me. Tired of all the medication, tired of all the deep aching soul sucking pain, tired of trying to take hold of my thoughts so they don't spin me out of control. Tired of fake smiles, tired of trying to fight off panic attacks without anyone noticing I'm about to lose it. Tired of having to force myself to do things when what I really want to do is disappear.

Now before you all freak out, you need to know I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to try to kill myself even though the enemy is constantly telling me I should. Yet another thing that makes me tired, fighting off his lies.

Yes I know you all love me, yes I know you all care, and I'm grateful for that. Yes I pray, yes, I read my Bible, yes I listen to Christian music, yes I  get out of bed, yes I take showers and get dressed, yes do all those things that everyone thinks you should do to "feel better". The difference is, the incredible amount of effort it takes to do those things is exhausting and completely draining. You know what's not draining? Letting it all just happen, letting it all just wash over me, letting all the darkness just be what it is. There is no effort required for that, it's comfortable, it's familiar and there are days when I welcome it and do nothing to make it stop.

Each time it slams me to the ground I'm humiliated by it, I feel like I've failed, and that I'm weak. How can I do things like be in leadership roles, or mentoring rolls when I cannot even hold myself together. How do I parent, how do I be a wife, an employee? What business do I have trying to help others when I cannot even help myself? Truly the only thing that works well in this is my art, because it comes from a place of emotion and passion and it's therapeutic.

I used to think that depression was something I had on occasion, and I don't think it defines who I am, but it's a part of me, and I think the sooner I understand that and the sooner I accept it the better off I will be.

I told my husband that I felt like I was losing myself, maybe I was wrong, maybe I was trying to be something I'm not. This isn't self pity by any means, maybe I need to shift my perspective to figure out how to live in this place better.

So what can you do for me, pray for me, educate yourself on mental health illnesses, and understand I'm trying,...but, I'm just so tired.....

Believeobey

Before going on this trip to Hogar De Vida in Costa Rica I already knew that I had a passion for restoration. For seeing the lives of others changed, to see them broken free from the bondage of strongholds on their lives. I have been humbled to be used by God many times to help encourage and speak into these transformations. He has placed me in the lives of people that I have grown to love deeply and through the gifting of the Holy Spirit, I have been shown places of hurt, places in need of healing; places where God wanted to fill those holes in their lives, in their hearts and in their spirits, places that only He could fill. I am humbled to be able to walk with them and show them the truth of who they are in Christ, to help them to see how much He loves them and what He has in store for them if only they would let Him. Through it all I get to witness such amazing transformations in people, and I wish I had words to express to you how completely and utterly overcome with the Joy only given by Heaven above, that I get each and every time. Sometimes it's as if my entire chest is just going to burst, and of course, because I am who God made me to be, I cry, every single time.

This trip I realized something; many times pouring into the lives of others to see restoration and healing, to get to a place where they are willing to break down the walls, it can sometimes take a very long time. I am SO willing to walk that road all the way to the end with those people for as long as it takes. Celebrating each step, each new discovery and thanking Jesus for His redeeming grace each and every time. However, do you know what happens on mission trips? Redemption and transformation can, and does take place in a matter of days!!!! Oh my goodness!! Time and time and time again I got to watch my team members fly with the freedom that comes from letting go of those things they've been carrying around with them for so long, things they thought they laid down, but had truly been carrying around in their back pocket. It just got so familiar to them that they didn't even realize it was weighing them down. I got to see one team member go from someone who wore shame like a wet blanket, all encompassing, heavy and hindering completely throw it off because of someone else sharing a testimony. At one point I thought for sure I was going to pass out because the Joy was so overwhelming.

I realized that I LOVE mission teams, I LOVE leading mission teams! I can do the hard work that mission trips entail, I'm okay with diving in and getting dirty right along side everyone else. Do you know why? Because in the time while we're working people share their stories, they tell you what God has done for them during the trip, they share the things that they had struggled with before the trip, they share the things that God is revealing to them for when they return home. Now, I know, Costa Rica is pretty easy as mission trips go, I also know that there are places that are hard, and would make me uncomfortable, I also know that there is no place that God can not transform lives, and that I want to be part of that. I don't know what it looks like from here, but I know that this is something that God has placed on my heart, and something that I'm going to pray over diligently and listen for words from Him.

Another interesting piece of this is my husband, one thing we have prayed for the last few years is that God would open doors for us to work together. In our minds it's a business of some kind, because that fits inside our "box". However, today we were hanging the art work that we bought in Costa Rica, and God whispered to him "sell your stuff and only decorate with artwork from your mission trips. Oh boy! Now who knows what this all looks like, and maybe it will be something that we've never even thought of before, but I know our hearts have been opened in a way they haven't been before.

We learned a new word on this trip from the director of Hogar De Vida, the word is believeobey, it removes the gap between the two words, so that there is nothing in between believing and obeying, if you believe you obey, it's as simple as that. Whatever God has in store from this point on, that is what I intend to do, believeobey.

I'm a failure

I failed, completely and totally failed, I'm weak and small and a failure. These are the thoughts that went through my head as I sat in the doctors office and he talked about anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I haven't taken meds for depression in 9 years. There was this sense of victory I had felt over it because of that. As my doctor started to talk to me about starting meds every year in October to help me through the winters, he talked so matter of factly like it's normal. All I could think of was I can't do this every year, I won't need to cause I'm not weak, I'm not a failure, it's just this year that's bad.

Jerry had gone with me, had sat in the chair next to me and shared his concerns with the doctor. There is just something so soothing about his voice, something that just brings a calm to me. He seemed to be in agreement with the doctor on the issue of meds, so maybe it was the right thing.

When the doctor stepped out, through tears I told Jerry the thoughts going through my head and as I heard what I was saying I thought how ridiculous it sounded. How could I feel this way, think this way, me, a mental health advocate that sees such importance in sharing information and trying to educate others about these diseases. Someone who wants so badly to change the worlds view on mental health and the people who are affected by it. Someone who has told others that there is no shame in taking medication, that it should be viewed no differently than a diabetic that has to take meds to keep her blood sugar in check.

It's taken me a couple days to process all of this, and to wrap my head around to a place where I can make sense of it all. I believe that mental health illnesses are one of Satans favorite tools. He doesn't have to really do anything to put bad thoughts in our heads, the illness does that for him. I mean seriously, I go through this every winter, it's miserable, I hate it and here right in front of me is something that can make it all go away, why would I not jump at the chance to make it go away?

So, I no longer feel like a failure, I feel like I'm conquering this thing. What warrior goes into battle without a weapon? My weapon against this giant comes in the form of a little white pill and that's totally okay, totally acceptable and there is no shame in it. I will take this pill till the sun shines on a regular basis and the fog that is Seasonal Affective Disorder lifts. Then next fall when I can feel the edges creeping back in, it will be time to go to battle again and pick up my weapon. This is a good thing and I'm looking forward to the other side of this.

Have you ever.....

I think it was about 2 years ago when I was with a group of people at a conference, some of the people I knew well, while most of them I only met at the conference. It was day 2 of the conference and in that short time we'd been asked to share some intimate things, to be transparent with one another. Anyone that knows me, knows that I can usually do that pretty easily. On day 2 we played a game called Have You Ever? If you've never played it, it's pretty easy, you create a circle of chairs with 1 less chair than people. One person stands in the center of the circle and asks a question that they can answer yes themselves, for example, Have you ever been on an airplane? Everyone that can answer yes to it has to stand up and change seats. Whom ever is left without a chair now has to be in the middle and ask the next question. It all starts out with pretty generic easy to answer questions, but then as it progresses the questions get more personal. I can't recall what questions were asked before I was the one in the middle, but there I was. I had a choice to either continue in the same vein of personal questions or chicken out and ask an easy one. I sure thought about chickening out because that one personal question that was floating around in my head was most certainly not one that I wanted to share with others. This whole weekend was about being transparent and sharing with others. Sigh. So I did it, I asked the question, Have you ever planned your own suicide? It hung there in the air like a wet blanket, and no body moved....I stood there for what seemed like forever, then, finally, finally someone else stood up. Not that I ever want anyone else to ever feel the pain and darkness I had experienced but I'd never felt so completely naked and vulnerable in my entire life. I also felt great relief in knowing that I was not alone, that someone else understood how I had felt at that time in my life.

One of the things that I think is so hard about mental health is the feeling that you're alone and no one understands. I can tell you first hand that there is no truth in that and those are lies that mental health tells you, that the enemy tells you.

If you are in the place of hopelessness and pain and darkness, please know that there are people who care, who love you and want to help you. Reach out to them, reach out to me, reach out to someone!!

Observations

After church today where we had a sermon about spiritual parents and the things that you can observe about the way people talk and live to discover where people are on their faith journey I was in a place of heightened observation. I went to the grocery store to get something to make for lunch. I loved watching the elderly couple all dressed in their Sunday best shopping together. He followed behind her carefully pushing the cart so as not to run into the back her her heel as she made frequent stops to smell and squeeze produce and carefully choose just the right one. I wondered if she even noticed how gentle he was about it all or if over the years they've just become so accustom to one another that they don't even notice anymore. I noticed though.
I noticed the young Mama's with their little ones, and how getting through the grocery store with them can be challenging. One Mama who was in a hurry, was holding the hand of her about 3 year old little girl, walking along at a pace just a step or two faster than those little legs could keep up with. The little girl tripped and Mama scolded her for being on the ground rather than noticing that she was just doing her best to keep up. I cringed. Not only because I saw it from a different perspective, but because I remember being that Mama. One so wrapped up in the to do and walking too quickly and scolding unnecessarily.

Later at the check out there was a little boy and his Father. Dad was paying for their purchases and the little boy was chattering excitedly at the prizes in the gum ball machines near the check out. "Dad, look at this!!! Dad, Dad, come here I wanna show you!" As the boy was chattering on, his Father was asking the check out gal for quarters for the machines. I was struck at what a simple joy that was. A quarter for some cheap plastic toy that he'll no doubt lose or break before the day is out, but at that moment it was the greatest thing ever. I loved that the Dad took the time to allow the boy to discover the excitement of the gum ball machines. Then I wondered how many times my kids did the same thing and I hurried them along and said no.

Perspective and observation are such an interesting thing. I wanted to stop that elderly couple and ask them how long they'd been married to glean any bits of wisdom from them I could. I wanted to hug the Mama walking to fast for her daughter to keep up with and encourage her. I wanted to cheer on the Father that was participating in his sons excitement of something simple.

Stages of life, we all go through them, we're all in different places and people will show us where they are if we just take the time to observe them. It's important for those of us who have been there to speak wisdom and encouragement to those who are currently there. It's important for us to take encouragement and guidance from those who are ahead of us. It's important for us to recognize where we are ourselves so we know what our role is.

Slow down friends, life is short, pay attention, don't miss a thing!

Please excuse me while I worship.

This weekend I had an amazing worship experience, one that I wished would have never ended. An evening truly surrendered at the throne of my Savior.

In my every day I try to live my life in such a way that honors God. I do my best to show His love to everyone I meet. I'm not perfect, and I sometimes fail miserably. I try to remember to always keep my eyes open to not miss a single thing that He is trying to show me. I don't want to miss those things that are special love notes from Him just for me. I don't want to miss those opportunities that He places in front of me to share His love with someone. I try to always keep my ears open so that I can hear from Him when the Spirit nudges me to do something set up just for me to do. To listen to His voice calling out to me to pray for someone. I try to live my day to day for His Glory.

 I do all this while, being a mom, an artist, an employee, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a leader.
All of these things are the things that make up living life. All these things are what draws me away from spending my days and nights surrendered at the throne of my Savior worshiping Him in complete, relentless, all consuming worship like I experienced this weekend. I like to think that it was a tiny glimpse of what we get to do in Heaven, just praising Him day and night with reckless abandon, complete freedom to worship however we feel led to. I'm in no hurry to stop living the life that God has given me, but, man, I'm so excited for the day I'll get to go Home and worship in His presence all the time.