Running...Away...Running....To....

There is this thing going on in my life right now where I can't help but wonder why I'm here again. I thought I beat this, yet here it is again. This big, black looming precipice that I'm terrified that if I take my eye off God for just a split second that I'm going to tumble head long into. The idea of clawing my way back out of that darkness is daunting to me. I feel too old, too tired to want to fight that battle again. Yet I look at what's going on in my life right now and I'm not so sure that this is much more fun. Trying to juggle being daughter, mom, wife, and me which is usually not a problem and I do it happily, joyfully, longingly, lovingly. Yet trying to balance that on this thin line between that precipice and this one is becoming challenging.

I'm no dummy, I know where my help comes from, it comes from the Lord, so that is where I focus my attention, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. That is first and foremost. Secondly I've started therapy again to help me make sense of this jumble my life has become suddenly without any warning. Third, I've started exercising regularly, part because of the science of the endorphins, part because my health now requires it.

This weird thing has happened with the whole exercise thing, it's become primal. I have this deep seated desire to run, just run, run, and run and run. No, all you exercise guru's it's not because I like it or I get that high from running. It's because I feel like if I just keep running, just keep going I'll some how get away from that hole. My thighs are screaming at me, my hip joints feel like they're going to crumble, yet all my mind can think of is if I could just run again, maybe when I stop I'll be far enough away that things will be sunny and glorious again.

Please know that I will be okay, I can already feel the edges of hope starting to glimmer in the distance. I wasn't kidding when I said Gratefulness is the road to Joyfulness. Instead of trying to find Joy all on it's own, or scramble for superficial things to fill the darkness with light, I am focusing on Gratefulness. Through that,  there is Hope, there is Joy, there is God.

Through prayer and support, this gap that I'm trying to run away from will start to shrink, and eventually go away. The one thing that is different about this time, is that I feel like I'm learning as I go, that although the darkness looms, I'm learning to maneuver though it to come out the other side of this, stronger, wiser and closer to my God.