Letter to Mom

There are those times when I think, oh, I need to tell Mom....and then I remember she's not here to tell that too. This is not one of those times. I am ever so painfully aware that she is not here for me to tell her. There's so much I want to tell her. Yeah, yeah, I know, she knows, I can talk to her anyways, blah blah blah, it's not the same and anyone whose lost someone close knows that. I can't see her excitement or hear her laughter. I can't hug her, it's not tangible

Sometimes I'm afraid I look like a hypocrite because until she got sick I didn't have the greatest relationship with her. That 6 months healed a life time of hurts and disappointments. That's the Mom I want to tell things too.

I want to tell her about Costa Rica, I'm not so sure she'd care much about that, but it's kind of a big thing right now in my life and she'd care about that and she'd want to hear about it when I got home.

However, mostly, it's Kellie's wedding. The one thing I remember so clearly the day they told us she wasn't going to get better, the day the doctor said she had cancer and it was incurable, I remember thinking, she'll never see my daughters get married. Now here I am faced with just that. Oh, she would have been so excited! I just know that my phone would have rang often with her wanting to know the plans and share ideas. I'm sure it would have annoyed me at some point, but I'd welcome that now. In talking with my Dad the other day he said she talked about that, how she wished she'd be able to be here for that. This one will be hard because it's the first one, but, I don't imagine the others will be much easier. She loved all her grandkids so much. She would've had joy in this.

I have twinges of frustration with God for taking her so she couldn't be here for this, but I wouldn't want to lose the gifts He gave during her illness and death. We all grew so much in that time. Wounds healed, love was shared, and there was joy in the sorrow. I want to imagine that she's up in heaven watching but the joy of this would pale in comparison to the joy of praising her heavenly Father. I don't want to imagine taking that away from her.

I do so miss her.