A Letter to the Oldest Child

One Sunday as I was sitting in the lobby of our church doing some Bible Journaling, there was a group of young mom's gathered on the couch in front of the fire place sharing stories. One of the things they were talking about was how spoiled their youngest sibling is/was. About all the things that were different about how they were raised vs how their youngest sibling is/was. How they got away with so much more, how they have so much more. Being an oldest child, I totally get this, I too had those same complaints when I was younger, then....I had children of my own.

I have 5 kids, some born to me, some not, some I raised from infancy some didn't become mine till they were older, they're all mine just the same. As I listened to the complaints of the Moms around the fireplace that Sunday morning things stirred in me. As I listen to my own oldest complain about similar things, I feel compelled to explain. So here goes:

That oldest child, the very first born, a culmination of first time excitement and fear all rolled into one. You discover you're pregnant and get to experience that for the very first time, It's all new and strange and fascinating. For the very first time you get to feel the joys and pains of pregnancy and labor and delivery. You have nothing else to compare it to so you do what you think is right based on what the doctor tells you, the countless books and articles you read and advice of women who've been through it before. You make what you feel are the best choices about it all, learning as you go along. However, when the next one comes along, you learn what worked with the first one, what didn't and you start from there.

As you raise your first one, you've never done this before, you have no point of reference for any of this. It's all trial and error. Which bottle to use, what diapers work best, strict schedule or fly by the seat of your pants? What schools are best? Do you spend the money on expensive clothes/shoes or will they grow so fast it's not worth it? Do you let them stay up late on weekends? Can they drink soda? Hold old is old enough to stay home alone? Can they stay at friends houses? When should they learn how to ride a bike? The list is virtually endless and for the most part, you don't have any of the answers.

The next ones come along and you've got the basics down but each child is different and what worked for one may not work for the others. Praises that mean something to one child, another may not care about that. Punishments that worked for one, may not phase the next. Encouragements in certain areas may send one child zooming to excel and the next one may not have that same love language so you have to find one that works for them. There is no magic formula that you can employ to raise each child the same, because thank God, each one is so different.

So, by the time that youngest child comes around, lots of things have happened, your parents have grown older, hopefully they've also grown wiser, but they've certainly grown tired. When that youngest child comes along you've discovered, for the most part, what battles are important, what ones, if handled properly, can be avoided, and what ones aren't even worth having. The things we thought were important when the oldest was young we've come to discover isn't really worth the struggle. Would I like his room to stay clean, yep, sure would, but I'd much rather just shut the door than have that fight. When my oldest was younger I thought that it was important for her to have a clean room, how could I possibly teach her how to keep a house when she's older if I don't make her keep her room clean? Never mind the fact that mine is almost never clean. (do as I say not as I do right?). However, I've learned that when they move out they manage to figure it out and all those battles about the messy room weren't really worth it after all.

The other thing that happens as the oldest grows up and moves out and you only have 1 or 2 left at home that seems to make the oldests think the youngests are spoiled, is as parents we now have more money. The one thing that I remember being so excited about when my oldests moved out was suddenly my shampoo lasted me WEEKS!!! Literally, I used the same shampoo for almost a MONTH!!! Toilet paper was another, by the time grocery day came around again I still had some left from the last grocery day and I didn't go buy any in between!! It was glorious. My water bill went down, my electric/gas bills went down, my grocery bill went down. So things that we gave up years before have now crept back into our lives. We got cable again, we go out to eat more often, we buy steaks more often. We're not spoiling our youngest, we're spoiling ourselves!

So oldests, you got the best and the worst of your parents. You got the best because you were the only child that could ever say they were our only for a time. You are the only one that got our full, undivided attention at all times. You got us when parenthood was a new and fun, an exciting adventure. You were the only one that didn't get sibling hand me downs. You got the worst because you were also the one that we learned what not to do. We're so grateful for those learning experiences with you and hope that as you have children of your own we can share those trials with you so you may learn from them as well. Know this for sure though, we love you all so very, very much, and from oldest to youngest I wouldn't change a thing.