The scans they did showed tumors throughout her liver and her lungs. My Mom didn't want to even see her scans, it was all very frightening to her. We were later to discover that it had also gotten to her bones, and quite possibly her brain.
We all started to say our prayers, asking for God's healing hand to reach down and erase all signs of the cancer from her body. Praying continuously for just that. Our God is the Great Physician, there is nothing He cannot do and we were trusting Him for it.
Several treatments later, her scans were repeated and the tumors in her liver were all but gone, and the one large tumor in her lungs had shrunk considerably. Praise God!! We asked for healing and that's what we were getting....or at least more time with her.
You see, during one of my prayer times with God, as I prayed desperately, pleading for the life of my Mother, God shared with me that healing was not part of His plan. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how His plan didn't include her healing. Further more, how could He share that with me? It took some time before I could ask Him, if healing wasn't part of His plan, what was?
His answer was so beautiful, to this day I can still hear it just as He spoke it, "let me show you My Glory". God had something He wanted to do and my Mom's illness and death was to be part of how He did it. I wish I could say that I was immediately excited to see what He was going to do, but I wasn't. Especially after seeing those scans, I have to admit I thought maybe God had changed His mind. However, it wasn't long after that that we began to see evidence that it wasn't going to "stick". I needed to change my perspective.
So as God had reminded me repeatedly, He was going to show us His Glory, I started to be intentional about watching for it. It wasn't big earth shattering things, just small things, but things that added up.
My Mom's Faith had suddenly blossomed. She was saying things I'd never heard her say before, she had a new Hope that seemed to just run through her. Not only was she saying things about God to us, her family, but it seemed that it just flowed into conversations with everyone. One of my favorite things I remember her saying to one of the chemo nurses was "I see cancer as a win-win, either I'm here on earth praising God or I'm in heaven praising God". God's Glory.
There was a shift in her attitude and her demeanor, and because of that shift there was also a shift in mine with her as well. Suddenly I found myself having conversations I wished I had been able to have had with her throughout my adult life. A life time of hurt and misunderstandings gone in a matter of weeks as we sat though her chemo treatments together, talked on the phone, and visited with each other. I suddenly had the relationship with my Mom that I'd always wanted. I was so completely grateful for that opportunity. God's Glory.
My brother had a bit of a falling out with our family for a while, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and things just seemed so far from repair. I missed my brother something fierce and had just resigned myself to understanding that the relationship we once had would probably never be again. Personal conversations just weren't going to happen any more and things were just stiff and informal. Our family would just have this tear in it that we'd all step over and be grateful that it hadn't ripped completely and that we had hung on to small shreds still attached.Then, Mom got sick and suddenly things changed. There was an urgency to make things right, to make things better, to agree to disagree and just love one another. It wasn't a pretty or an easy mending, and there are still some gaps here and there, but we all got a taste of what is important, what matters. I suddenly had my brother back and I am overjoyed. God's Glory.
Through all this I learned to shift perspective. I learned that no matter what I'm going through that if I just try to find God's perspective that I can see things differently than I do through my own eyes. I have found that through Mom's illness I was able to learn how to trust in God in ways that I never had before. I had trusted that He would provide for me and my family, that He would make things good, often times even better than I expected. This was the first time that I knew that He wasn't going to make things all better and good. In the end, my Mom was going to die from this terrible disease. I learned to trust Him in ALL things, even the things that don't turn out all pretty with a bow on top. In ALL things God is good. God's Glory.
My Mother died on January 21st 2014 in a hospital bed in Janesville Mercy Hospital. She was surrounded by her children who all sobbed as we gave her permission to let go and land in the arms of her Heavenly Father. She took her last breath as I read the last line of Psalm 23. It was a beautiful passing, and as much as my heart broke that she was no longer with us I had blessed assurance that she was in Glory, God's Glory.
Part of why I share this story, is to say, that sometimes God's plan is painful. Sometimes healing isn't part of His plan. Sometimes He has plans that are bigger than healing. I look at all the things that have occurred through my Mom's death and if God had chosen to just heal my Mom, yes, we would have had the testimony of a miracle, but we would have missed out on so much more. Over time I imagine that a miracle of Mom's healing would have lost it's luster, it would have become common place in our lives and eventually it may have even been forgotten, or possibly, we might have not even seen it as a miracle. The lessons I learned, the things that God showed me through all of this, continue to help me grow in my walk with God. They have given me wisdom to share with others, a testimony that speaks volumes, one that I think of and repeat often. God's Glory.
God's plan is often nothing like our plan, God's plan, is ALWAYS perfect. God's Glory.
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