The other night I was laying in bed reading my book after having taken my sleeping meds. I'm not quite sure if it was something I read or if it just happened, but suddenly I got this ache in my chest. Not like a I need a doctor kind of ache, but more an I'm missing something kind of ache. I put my book down to pay attention to the ache so I could figure out where it was coming from. It was coming from my creativity. I do believe my creative soul is weeping, in mourning for the things it misses doing. I believe that there is a paint brush shaped hole in my heart at the moment.

What is so odd about this is that despite my longing for creativity, and the smell of paint and the feel of it between my fingers, I struggle to make myself go to the studio. I have no idea why this happens, it certainly makes no real sense. It doesn't seem to matter if I have something I'm supposed to be creating, or if I've got no preplanned agenda, just the thought of getting there is so difficult. Maybe part of it is that I don't have an idea. Maybe that's what I need, an idea. A reason to go there, something that I feel I need to get out. When I think of other things that have motivated me in the past, they've stemmed from either deadlines or ideas. I have no deadlines. I have no ideas. I see things others have done and thing, "wow, that's so kewl" but then guard myself from trying to recreate something someone else has already done and feel the need to create something of me, and not something stemmed from someone else.

I'm curious, all you other artist types out there, I can't be the only one struggling with this, do you struggle with this? How do you get past it? Where do you get ideas? How do you start from nothing and come up with something?

I need to refill that paintbrush shaped hole and ease my creative souls groaning.

I have been remiss for not telling you all about the newest member of our family. This beautiful young lady is Lexie. We have known Lexie since she was just a little girl, she grew up next door to us. She's the same age as Melissa and so she fits right in with the girls.
There have been many days and nights that the echo of her infectious laugh has graced our home and we are blessed for it. Her smile lights up a room and she's kind, gentle and loving.

I'm so proud of all this young lady has accomplished and how she's stood strong amid the trials and frustrations that life has thrown her. She's standing on her own two feet and she's carving out her own little niche in life.

Lexie will be a senior this coming fall, and through no one's prompting or telling her she has to, she's done well enough in school that she will be graduating early. While others will be in school till Summer, she will be done in January. College is just on the horizon for her. She has drive and determination and she is taking responsibility for her own future.

Strong as she is though, she has a sensitive side, the side that shows up every once in a while when life gets a little jumbled and she feels overwhelmed. The part to her that makes me want to hold her in my arms and make it all go away. I think sometimes she doubts that our family will be here for her forever and ever, but nonetheless we just keep reminding her that we're not going anywhere. If we could right this very minute we would adopt her and make her Lexie Gifford, however, due to certain circumstances we have to wait a while for that to happen. Even though she may not be Lexie Gifford legally, she's already Lexie Gifford in our hearts.

Oh my goodness!! What a few days I have had. My husband and I got home from an amazing 5 days in NYC. Loved our time there and the time spent together. However, when we got home, at least for me, it felt like the bottom just dropped out of everything. We need a new roof, our stove broke, the van had some issues that needed to be fixed, and now I need a root canal and a crown. All things that cost money and it's above and beyond what we have. However, I know full well that my God is bigger than all of those things, and I know He's capable of providing, yet the weight of it all just sat on my shoulders and consumed me. I spent a lot of time crying and trying to figure out just how we were going to make this all happen. I truly felt as though I was drowning, everything was just so much bigger than I could comprehend.

So yesterday, I decided I would take the whole day and devote it to prayer and just spending time with Him. I was doing pretty good about things, until my trip to the dentist. The thing with the dentist is I was totally okay with just pulling the tooth, cause we have that money on our flex card and it would be covered. Until I got home and realized that it was a tooth that would be noticed when I smile. I'm not a hugely vain person, but that bothered me. I smile A LOT, and I'm so afraid that it would make me self conscious and I'd stop smiling so much. I know, sounds lame and vain and silly, but it is what it is. We have dental insurance and they only cover so much, so to do the root canal and crown is more than we have left on our flex card. Sigh. I would be lying to you if I didn't say I completely lost it. I think that's just what God was waiting for. I tell you all of this, so that I can tell you this, in the process of "losing it", I said to Him, "that's it God, that's all I've got, I give up, I'm done, I have no more." I felt complete calm and peace from there on out, and I heard God whisper, "finally, that's what I've been waiting for, now let me show you what I can do".

So I'm not sure what the next few days has in store, but I will tell you this, I have found my joy again, and I know that I know, that I know, that God is bigger than anything that life can throw at me.

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So I'm trying to make sure I get a walk in most days. Usually it's a treadmill kind of thing cause I try to make it as painless as possible. If I'm on the treadmill I can play gin rummy on my Kindle Fire. Lame I know, but it makes the torture go by faster. However,I was up by 5:00 this morning and decided to take my walk outside. There's just something about a sunrise and a sunset that beckons me. God does some of his best work then, the way the sky changes colors as they take place. This mornings sunrise wasn't as colorful as I've seen but it was beautiful just the same. Made my walk a bit more enjoyable.

I'm a little late in doing this, however, it's no less heartfelt.  On June 17th my youngest baby girl turned 18.  Yep, this little blonde cutie is now 18.

Now, just so you are not sucked into the cuteness as I was, let me tell you, she is a force to be reckoned with, even when she was this little. Oh. My. Goodness could this little precious angel throw a tantrum!! Not many outside of our home were privy to them usually, however, on the off chance they were they were always shocked at what this cute little ball of fluffiness could do. I always used to say that if anyone ever took one of my kids they would take Melissa cause she was so stinken cute, however, once they got a taste of the tantrum they'd bring her right back!!

She's always been my headstrong girl. Never wanting to follow the group, do the "in" thing, always has been her own unique person. She's never even owned a box, whats the point, she was never going to be IN it anyways. There was a time in her life when she wouldn't leave the house with out a headband in her hair. Mostly normal you'd think right? Nope, not with Melissa, her favorite headband when she was little had this HUGE pink felt flower sticking out the top of it. She ROCKED that thing!!! Drove my mother nuts!!! LOL However, in the grand scheme of things, that was one battle I was not willing to tackle, you want to wear a giant flower on your head, you go girl!!!

Today as an 18 year old that headstrong drive and stubbornness has served her well. She knows what she wants and she goes and gets it. She has direction and a purpose in what she does. She's always been my little artist and probably follows closest in my footsteps that way, however she's taken on the challenge of adding todays technology to her passion for art and is heading in a marketing and graphic design direction. She learns very easily and when it's something she's passionate about it she grabs it with both hands.

She is my daughter of recessive traits, only blonde, only one with hair that curly, blue eyes, left handed, pigeon toed, and she's color blind. She was born to be amazing!! Watch out world, Melissa is on her way!!

This post has been churning in my gut for a few weeks now, and I know it's not going to make me popular. I may offend people whom I love and for that I'm sorry.  However, keeping quiet about this is becoming increasingly difficult as the popularity of these books grow. Yes, I said books, and unless you have been living in a cave you probably know which ones I'm talking about, the 50 Shades of Grey Series. Just in case you're not familiar with this increasingly popular book series, here's a link to a Wikipedia entry about them.  I know from overheard discussions, facebook posts, emails, and websites that these books are continually growing in popularity and that there is now a movie deal.  These books are written in a way that they are appealing to women. Women are recommending these books to their friends, which only spreads the poison. To me the scariest thing about these books, is they are not being viewed as porn, yet if they were written to appeal to men, women would be outraged if they caught their men reading them. If these books are truly made into movies they will have to be X-rated unless much of the content is taken out of them. How many women are going to be rushing to an adult theater to view them? 

Many years ago I quit reading romance novels because they weren't realistic and I soon found myself wishing I lived in a world where men behaved that way. I found myself being disappointed that my husband didn't sweep me off my feet the way it happened in the books. Such unnecessary frustration I put upon myself and ridiculous  expectations I set up for my husband to unknowingly fail at. It was not honoring to him or our marriage. Generally speaking, romance novels aren't as explicitly graphic as 50 Shade of Gray is, I can't help but think that these books may open doors to things that shouldn't be. That something that God has intended to be a beautiful thing between a husband and a wife will be twisted into something other than beautiful. 

In trying to find different reviews on these books I found one written in the NY Times by a man. The title of his piece? "It's all porn to me:...." One of the scariest lines to me, in his review is this; It manages, miraculously, to be at once pornographic and deeply unappealing to men – it is a kind of pornography that attracts only women, and thus far it is selling off the charts.

This isn't just a "God" thing either, it's a right and wrong issue. Pornography is wrong, disgusting and degrading, whether it be photo's, movies and yes, books. 

When our kids are little, we're so careful to shelter them from things we deem not child friendly. We're careful how we speak, so that they don't copy our bad language or inappropriate talk. We're careful what we watch on tv when they're around so they don't see anything that will give them nightmares or make them ask questions that we're not ready to answer. We guard who we let them spend time with so that they're not exposed to bad behavior by other children and  pick up bad habits from them.  We are very aware that little minds are easily manipulated and they absorb things like a sponge.

I don't know what happens, but some where along the line we let our guard down. We loosen the strings so to speak and let them watch a show with us that maybe a year or two ago wouldn't have been allowed. Suddenly, they're listening to music we didn't preview first and give them permission to listen to. We're not nearly as careful about what we say in their presence as we once were. Why do we do this? It's not that they're not watching us anymore, because they are, and when we sit and watch inappropriate shows, or listen to inappropriate music, or say inappropriate things,  now they're sitting next to us doing it with us. I think for me, it's because now, to shelter them from these things, it means I  have to change my choices. Why is it okay for us, but not for them? If it's inappropriate for them, wouldn't it be inappropriate for us as parents as well?

I became aware of this reality the other day as I removed myself from the room when there was a movie on  tv that dropped the occasional F bomb and I was bothered by it enough to leave the room. Yet some where along the line I had decided it was okay for my children to watch that. Granted my 14 year old wasn't in the room, but my almost 19 year old daughter was. Yes she's an adult, but by simply walking out of the room instead of making her turn it off, I condoned what she was watching and gave her the impression that it was acceptable.

I can't help but wonder what other things I've given the impression to my children that they are okay  to do, listen to, say and watch simply because I didn't say it's not okay or because I do it myself. Just because my children are older now doesn't mean they're not impressionable anymore. It doesn't mean they're not watching what I as a parent does anymore. Now I'm faced with a difficult two part task, changing the things that I'm doing, and  telling my children things that once were okay, now are not.