Costa Rica as best I can

I'm home! At least physically; mentally, emotionally and spiritually I'm screaming to be back there. I will start by telling you that if I wrote 10,000 words here you would never fully understand what it is like at Hogar De Vida unless you experienced it yourself. The closest explanation that was ever given to me was that it's like a blanket of God lays over that place and yet some how that seems to fall too short.

I'm amazed at how much can happen in a short week. The days just crept by but the week itself went so fast. The friendships and bonds that were woven into something beautiful in that short time will never break. I woke up this morning in my own bed next to the most amazing man in the world and yet a part of me missed rolling over and hearing "good morning Miss Lisa" from Katie. I missed seeing Susan all snuggled up in a hoodie and blanket spending quiet time with the Lord. I missed the glow of Rachel as she returned from the Rancho with her prayer blanket. The coffee that Sue had all prepared waiting for us. There's little things from each team member that became a comforting normal each day that I missed this morning.

However, what I missed most about this morning, was that ever present feeling that my God is watching over me and that He is truly in my waking up and in my lying down. That feeling as though his hand is over mine as I pull back the blankets and set my feet on the floor. The unrelenting yearning that there is nothing more important that I need to do other than to just spend time with Him and the feeling that no matter what I do, be it immersed in His word, face on the ground in prayer, spending time with the children or painting the mural, it would be spending time with Him. Nothing I did down there was separate from my God, EVERYTHING was of Him. It wasn't a conscious decision so much as it just was.

There were lots of things that God did while I was there, yes we painted a mural and yes we played with children and did many other things, but where the most work was done was in my heart and in my relationship with my Lord. There were things that He did that if I had not decided to be obedient in all things and embrace this trip that I would have missed out on.

 My husband in his awesomeness sent me down with about 5 different sealed envelopes. Each one labeled with a "open if you...." message. This is the only one that I did not open. It wasn't that there were no big bugs to be seen, on the contrary, big bugs and scorpions. However, God in his mercy protected me from my fear of bugs and each time put someone who wasn't afraid between me and the bug to kill it before I ever saw it. I was sad not to open this one to see what clever witty saying he wrote and his encouragement for me, but I was totally okay with not seeing the bugs. Another way that God showed His love for me, that He cares about the little things and the big things.

Another fear of mine was ziplining. I am not a fan of heights in the least and I won't lie to you, this was way out of my comfort zone and I did it with great trepidation. Each platform was a step in faith, (there were 12) as I sat and leaned back and zoomed over the tree tops. If ever there was a reason to recite every Bible verse you've ever dedicated to memory this was it. (I think I even threw in a "God is good, God is great and we thank Him for this food LOL) However, in the end, my God was faithful and kept me safe. A side note, the hanging upside down line was the easiest and best one for me. Not sure why, but I was the least afraid on this one.

If I had to sum up what I learned in this trip in one main lesson, it would be this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your path. Proverbs 3:5-6. I spent time on my knees this week in repentance for not trusting in Him to make straight my path, for leaning on my own understanding. How could I have ever doubted Him?

 Although I know there are probably a few who are itching to throw out that "I told you so", I ask you to pause and ask yourself if I could've known all this without having been there myself? To that I can now answer an emphatic "not on your life!" So I encourage all that have considered going, to seriously pray about it and if God gives the blessing to you, go, it will be an experience you never forget and one that will forever change you.

Surrender

Costa Rica is a mere 3 days away. I'm not nearly as anxious as I thought I would be at this point. I truly believe that it is the Peace that surpasses all understanding that is causing it.

There are a few minor details to finish up in the next 3 days but I don't feel any sense of true urgency to them. I know that everything that needs to be done before we go, will be done.

One thing that the Lord has impressed upon my heart the last couple days is that I need to be in a place of total surrender to Him and to His plans. One of the songs we sang on Sunday was You Won't Relent, I know Jesus Culture didn't write it but they sing it best in my opinion. One of the verse's goes like this: "Come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame inside my heart, come be the fire inside of me, until you and I are one."  That last line; "until you and I are one", what a complete and total place of surrender that is, when I am no longer my own, but fully His.

 I'm going to take the next couple days just to meditate on that idea, to be filled with only Him and none of my own ways, none of my own thoughts, so that what I do and experience in Costa Rica will be exactly what He has planned for me and not what I have planned for me.

So while this trip planning started in a frenzy and with stomping of feet and tantrums, in the end, I have such a peace about it all. I know that I know that I know that THIS is precisely what God has positioned me to do and I'm excited to see what His plans are. He never ceases to blow me away with what He does in my life and I have no doubt that this will be equally, if not more awesome than anything else He's done for me.

I'm super excited about the team that is going with me. I have faith that each person on our team has been positioned for just the same amount of awesomeness. We each have our own journey and our own struggles and I know that God will work in each one of us exactly the way we need it. What we experience there as a team and as individuals will forever affect our hearts, our minds and our lives and form bonds that are unbreakable.

Soon there will be a blog posted that you can follow us along on our adventures. I'll post it when I have it.

By Faith

I'm reading through the book of Hebrews and I went through chapter 11 this morning. I was struck by how many times the phrase "by faith" was used. See all those little orange highlights there? Each one says "by faith" and then goes on to explain the who, what and when of each person.

I don't know about you but sometimes I have to read things more than once for it to fully sink in. Maybe it's because Christianity and the Bible have always been in my life that I think sometimes I read these stories about people in the Bible and the true weight of it doesn't quite resonate with me because I've heard them for so long.

I learned about Noah and the ark, Moses being set in the river and Joshua and the walls of Jericho in Sunday school when I was a kid. So at this point in my life, as an adult I need to try to see their perspective in their stories. The perspective that they saw through the eyes of God. I'm not so sure that I would have fared so well had I been in their shoes.

The one story in the Bible that always sets me on edge and almost makes me a little angry with God for even suggesting such a thing is the story of Abraham and Isaac. I cannot imagine God asking someone to sacrifice their child, it just boggles my mind. Yet Abraham, BY FAITH, sets out to do just that, believing in God's ability to raise someone from the dead. I don't know that if I had been asked to do that task that I would've had enough faith to follow through.

Joshua, a warrior, someone whose fought battles is asked not to fight but to simply march around a city a bunch of times and then blow some horns. I can't imagine what went through his mind, he had to have been thinking that it was the silliest things he's ever done. How on earth is this going to win the battle of Jericho? However, BY FAITH he did as God instructed. I wonder how amazed they were by the end result.

Noah, oh my, can you imagine? I'm sure his family and all the other people who saw him building this ridiculous boat thought he had to be crazy. I imagine he probably had his doubts about himself as well. It made no sense. However, he ignored the criticisms of everyone and BY FAITH built a boat as God instructed him to.

In all this I'm struck by my own faith, I can't help but wonder how many times I should've acted BY FAITH and didn't. How many times I felt God telling me to do something that made absolutely no sense in my own head so therefore I didn't follow through. How small is my faith that I cannot live by it?

I can however, look back and see times when I have followed through on things He's asked of me that didn't seem quite so ridiculous and am blown away with how He showed up. I've seen Him do things that quite frankly make no sense in my head. He always seems so work things in such a way that I couldn't have imagined that if I tried. So if I already know all this, have experienced these things, why should I have hesitation when He asks things of me that make me uncomfortable?

I live in the world a bit too much I think, worry about what others will think, how it will look, who might criticize or think of me as crazy.  What a different place we would live in had Abraham, Noah and Joshua doubted and not done the things that God asked of them. I pray for just an ounce of their faith.

As I head off to Costa Rica here in a mere 11 days (gulp) I am looking forward to opening up my heart to Him in a way I've never done before. Praying for the courage to live by faith, to learn to trust in Him in ALL things, even the ridiculous.

Here we go...

Ain't technology grand!! I've been dreading these next few days popping up on my Timehop App, but here it is.

This is the start to the last full day my Mom was able to carry on a full coherent conversation. This was the day that the whispers that we were at the end invaded my brain. This was the day that my Mom said she wasn't afraid to die because she knew where she was going.

This was also a day of great laughter, of amazing family time. A time of healing of relationships that were bent and warped and twisted. This was a day of many prayers, and many praises.

I don't anticipate today, or the next couple days to be easy or tear free, there's just too many memories of these days last year that are too fresh, too real, not quite fully healed, however, these are memories that I never want to loose. I want to always remember these last few days with my Mom. They're too precious, too important.

So in the next couple days, if you should think of me, I would covet your prayers as we push past this final "first". I'm so grateful for a God whose love is bigger than any of our pain, I will cling to that always.

Learn to Dance in the Rain

So this is a snippet of a new painting I'm working on, not done yet, but it's been a painting that God has been talking me through. I love it when He does that.

When He gave me the idea for it I was listening to my Praise and Worship playlist on my iPod. Seems there are a lot of songs the reference "rain" in one way or another. All of them seemed to strike me to the core.

When I think about rain in reference to God I envision so much. His love raining down on me, His grace and mercy just soaking and drenching me. The joy of the heavens just spilling out all over me. All of these things I find to be healing, calming,soothing and cleansing.

When I think of the last 12 months, I've needed a lot of all of those healing things. January 21st marks the anniversary of the day my Mom went home. Lots of sadness and tears and moments, yet each time God covered me, He rained down on me one way or another.

There is so much Joy in all of that, all of those mental pictures, how could you not dance in it?? So that's what the quote on this says to me, however, in the secular world, or to others it could mean something else, all good things though.

Another thing that God spoke to me in this is how I've been neglecting my time in the word with Him. For many years I've used Bible pages in my art work. This is something that I feel that I have God's blessing in doing, He's not told me that it grieves Him in any way and I do it very respectfully and with great purpose. However, in doing this painting in which I've made the rain drops from Bible pages,(the Gospel of Matthew to be exact because I felt that it was the Good News of the Gospel that needed to be raining down,) God said to me "you'll use my Word in your artwork but you won't spend time reading it?".

Guess I need to take the time to refocus and get back on track. God never lets me down, yet so often I feel as though I've failed Him. I'm so grateful that He only sees me through the cleansing blood of Jesus.


Some Praise songs that mention rain, I'm certain there are many others:

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me
Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew
Let it Rain by Jesus Culture
Rain Down by Delirious?
Healing Rain by Michael W. Smith
Sing in the Rain by Moriah Peters

Changes

What a year this has been. So much is so different. 3 of my 5 children have moved out. I have a new job. Started a new small group. Knee surgery and now I can't run. My mom is gone. My house stays cleaner. We use less toilet paper.

It's midnight on the eve of Christmas eve. We do Christmas with our children on Christmas eve morning. A tradition we started when they were little because Christmas morning was spent at the in-laws. That has since been changed as kids got older and had families of their own, my in-laws got older, yet we still do Christmas eve morning here with the kids. However, even that has changed, instead of giggly little kids who can hardly wait crawling out of bed before the sun rises to dig through stockings and tear open presents, we're starting at 10:00am so that the ones that no longer live here can get her without having to get up too early. It's not longer just our family, now there are boyfriends to add to the mix as well.

As I sit here listening to Christmas music and gazing at the tree I'm so aware of all the changes. Not bad changes necessarily just different. A new stage in our life is blossoming as we move forward. Things are shifting from having to worry about and parent our children to worrying differently about them and the parenting has turned into advice or words of encouragement, wisdom. Watching them grow and experience new firsts, it's almost like when they were toddlers again. So much joy in watching them work through their struggles on their own. Watching them experience new joys of living on their own and seeing them learn the skills it takes to be a grown up in this, sometimes not so nice world we live in. I am so proud each time one of them makes it through a struggle on their own. I know sometimes it's not easy and asking Mom and Dad for help would be an easy thing to do, yet they don't. Maybe, just maybe we've done something right. I hang onto those little glimpses that we didn't screw them up too bad.

I have high hopes for 2015, not quite sure what it will bring, but I'm hoping less pain and sorrow than 2014 carried with it. I know that the start of it will be amazing with my trip to Costa Rica, towards the end of it, in September, will be amazing as well with Kellie's wedding. It's the middle that will be full of surprises. I hope joyous surprises.

Each year I try to have a motto or a focus to work through. 2014 was my year of moving forward. I think I did okay with it and did my best not to sit in my sorrow, or discouragement. I said yes to things that felt like it was a step in the right direction and no to the things that weren't. I haven't completely figured out what my focus for 2015 will be, but I'm leaning towards a year of good health. My knee surgery this summer has thrown a wrench in how I was taking care of myself. I need to refocus, find something that works for me and get back on track controlling my diabetes properly. However, it's not January yet, so something may come along that feels more right.

Changes aren't bad, they're different, it's all in your perspective, and if I've learned anything from my Mom's illness and ultimate passing, it's finding God's perspective is what makes it sweet. God's perspective is always right, always perfect and never failing.

A Shift in Perspective

If you've talked to me about Christmas anytime in the last several years the words "I hate Christmas" have most likely come out of my mouth. Truly, the stress of not having enough money, not finding the "right" gift. The schedules of it all, the constant running. What is there to enjoy in all of that? In my mind, not a darn thing! For me, the ideal holiday is Thanksgiving, simply family and friends coming together to share a meal and time with one another. Why can't Christmas be like that?

So fast forward to today. I have been trying to force myself into the mood for all of this nonsense by watching movies, browsing Pinterest for ideas and considering listening to Christmas music. Today I was in my studio, browsing the Pandora Christmas stations, trying to find one that wouldn't send me over the edge. Finally I gave up and all alone in my studio I said, "I hate Christmas". Oh boy!

Now, I know God is with me everywhere I am, not just in my studio, however, as I've shared before there is a difference in my studio, God meets me there. It's like when I open that door He's sitting there at my easel just waiting for me. It's almost as if there is this tangible, reach out and touch, have a conversation with, feeling of God there. Yes I know He's not a "feeling", but I'm not quite sure how else to put it into words. So even though I've said those 3 words before, this time when I said it, it was like God smacked me upside the head. I suddenly had this vision in my head of a painting of Jesus in the manger. I dismissed it cause, well, that's just not what I do, I don't do Christmas art. Why would I? Remember, Christmas is not my favorite. However, it wouldn't go away, the idea just kept growing...what would the background look like? How would I incorporate my love of mixed media into it so it wasn't just all painting? Does he have a face? Can you see it? So finally I sat down at my easel and said out loud, "Okay, fine, I'll do a manger". Without warning the emotion that flooded over me was so intense I began to sob. I began to understand what this was all about.

Much like my last post when God helped me realize how my words about Costa Rica grieve Him, He shared with me how it made Him feel when I said these things as well. Now, I know, Jesus most likely wasn't born on December 25th, however that is when we celebrate it. What was I saying to people when I said "I hate Christmas"? In essence I was telling people I hated the celebration of the birth of my Savior. He brought to mind something a co-worker who isn't a Believer said to me on Saturday when I said those 3 word. She said "how can you hate Christmas, aren't you a Christian?". Ouch! It didn't hurt then, but now that God has adjusted my perspective to His it sure does.

So okay, I can still hate the money stress and commercialism of it all, because that has nothing to do with my Savior's birth. I just need to shift my perspective of Christmas, to coin the phrase if you will, Jesus truly is the reason for the season. I need to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts when I think of Christmas. Christmas is is the celebration of Jesus, coming to this earth because He loves us all so much He was willing to die for us.

 I love my Savior, and I love Christmas.