I'm a failure

I failed, completely and totally failed, I'm weak and small and a failure. These are the thoughts that went through my head as I sat in the doctors office and he talked about anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I haven't taken meds for depression in 9 years. There was this sense of victory I had felt over it because of that. As my doctor started to talk to me about starting meds every year in October to help me through the winters, he talked so matter of factly like it's normal. All I could think of was I can't do this every year, I won't need to cause I'm not weak, I'm not a failure, it's just this year that's bad.

Jerry had gone with me, had sat in the chair next to me and shared his concerns with the doctor. There is just something so soothing about his voice, something that just brings a calm to me. He seemed to be in agreement with the doctor on the issue of meds, so maybe it was the right thing.

When the doctor stepped out, through tears I told Jerry the thoughts going through my head and as I heard what I was saying I thought how ridiculous it sounded. How could I feel this way, think this way, me, a mental health advocate that sees such importance in sharing information and trying to educate others about these diseases. Someone who wants so badly to change the worlds view on mental health and the people who are affected by it. Someone who has told others that there is no shame in taking medication, that it should be viewed no differently than a diabetic that has to take meds to keep her blood sugar in check.

It's taken me a couple days to process all of this, and to wrap my head around to a place where I can make sense of it all. I believe that mental health illnesses are one of Satans favorite tools. He doesn't have to really do anything to put bad thoughts in our heads, the illness does that for him. I mean seriously, I go through this every winter, it's miserable, I hate it and here right in front of me is something that can make it all go away, why would I not jump at the chance to make it go away?

So, I no longer feel like a failure, I feel like I'm conquering this thing. What warrior goes into battle without a weapon? My weapon against this giant comes in the form of a little white pill and that's totally okay, totally acceptable and there is no shame in it. I will take this pill till the sun shines on a regular basis and the fog that is Seasonal Affective Disorder lifts. Then next fall when I can feel the edges creeping back in, it will be time to go to battle again and pick up my weapon. This is a good thing and I'm looking forward to the other side of this.

Have you ever.....

I think it was about 2 years ago when I was with a group of people at a conference, some of the people I knew well, while most of them I only met at the conference. It was day 2 of the conference and in that short time we'd been asked to share some intimate things, to be transparent with one another. Anyone that knows me, knows that I can usually do that pretty easily. On day 2 we played a game called Have You Ever? If you've never played it, it's pretty easy, you create a circle of chairs with 1 less chair than people. One person stands in the center of the circle and asks a question that they can answer yes themselves, for example, Have you ever been on an airplane? Everyone that can answer yes to it has to stand up and change seats. Whom ever is left without a chair now has to be in the middle and ask the next question. It all starts out with pretty generic easy to answer questions, but then as it progresses the questions get more personal. I can't recall what questions were asked before I was the one in the middle, but there I was. I had a choice to either continue in the same vein of personal questions or chicken out and ask an easy one. I sure thought about chickening out because that one personal question that was floating around in my head was most certainly not one that I wanted to share with others. This whole weekend was about being transparent and sharing with others. Sigh. So I did it, I asked the question, Have you ever planned your own suicide? It hung there in the air like a wet blanket, and no body moved....I stood there for what seemed like forever, then, finally, finally someone else stood up. Not that I ever want anyone else to ever feel the pain and darkness I had experienced but I'd never felt so completely naked and vulnerable in my entire life. I also felt great relief in knowing that I was not alone, that someone else understood how I had felt at that time in my life.

One of the things that I think is so hard about mental health is the feeling that you're alone and no one understands. I can tell you first hand that there is no truth in that and those are lies that mental health tells you, that the enemy tells you.

If you are in the place of hopelessness and pain and darkness, please know that there are people who care, who love you and want to help you. Reach out to them, reach out to me, reach out to someone!!

Observations

After church today where we had a sermon about spiritual parents and the things that you can observe about the way people talk and live to discover where people are on their faith journey I was in a place of heightened observation. I went to the grocery store to get something to make for lunch. I loved watching the elderly couple all dressed in their Sunday best shopping together. He followed behind her carefully pushing the cart so as not to run into the back her her heel as she made frequent stops to smell and squeeze produce and carefully choose just the right one. I wondered if she even noticed how gentle he was about it all or if over the years they've just become so accustom to one another that they don't even notice anymore. I noticed though.
I noticed the young Mama's with their little ones, and how getting through the grocery store with them can be challenging. One Mama who was in a hurry, was holding the hand of her about 3 year old little girl, walking along at a pace just a step or two faster than those little legs could keep up with. The little girl tripped and Mama scolded her for being on the ground rather than noticing that she was just doing her best to keep up. I cringed. Not only because I saw it from a different perspective, but because I remember being that Mama. One so wrapped up in the to do and walking too quickly and scolding unnecessarily.

Later at the check out there was a little boy and his Father. Dad was paying for their purchases and the little boy was chattering excitedly at the prizes in the gum ball machines near the check out. "Dad, look at this!!! Dad, Dad, come here I wanna show you!" As the boy was chattering on, his Father was asking the check out gal for quarters for the machines. I was struck at what a simple joy that was. A quarter for some cheap plastic toy that he'll no doubt lose or break before the day is out, but at that moment it was the greatest thing ever. I loved that the Dad took the time to allow the boy to discover the excitement of the gum ball machines. Then I wondered how many times my kids did the same thing and I hurried them along and said no.

Perspective and observation are such an interesting thing. I wanted to stop that elderly couple and ask them how long they'd been married to glean any bits of wisdom from them I could. I wanted to hug the Mama walking to fast for her daughter to keep up with and encourage her. I wanted to cheer on the Father that was participating in his sons excitement of something simple.

Stages of life, we all go through them, we're all in different places and people will show us where they are if we just take the time to observe them. It's important for those of us who have been there to speak wisdom and encouragement to those who are currently there. It's important for us to take encouragement and guidance from those who are ahead of us. It's important for us to recognize where we are ourselves so we know what our role is.

Slow down friends, life is short, pay attention, don't miss a thing!

Please excuse me while I worship.

This weekend I had an amazing worship experience, one that I wished would have never ended. An evening truly surrendered at the throne of my Savior.

In my every day I try to live my life in such a way that honors God. I do my best to show His love to everyone I meet. I'm not perfect, and I sometimes fail miserably. I try to remember to always keep my eyes open to not miss a single thing that He is trying to show me. I don't want to miss those things that are special love notes from Him just for me. I don't want to miss those opportunities that He places in front of me to share His love with someone. I try to always keep my ears open so that I can hear from Him when the Spirit nudges me to do something set up just for me to do. To listen to His voice calling out to me to pray for someone. I try to live my day to day for His Glory.

 I do all this while, being a mom, an artist, an employee, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a leader.
All of these things are the things that make up living life. All these things are what draws me away from spending my days and nights surrendered at the throne of my Savior worshiping Him in complete, relentless, all consuming worship like I experienced this weekend. I like to think that it was a tiny glimpse of what we get to do in Heaven, just praising Him day and night with reckless abandon, complete freedom to worship however we feel led to. I'm in no hurry to stop living the life that God has given me, but, man, I'm so excited for the day I'll get to go Home and worship in His presence all the time.

No More Boots

I have to tell you this post makes me feel very vulnerable, but there is growth and leaning in that, so I share. I just ask that you be gentle with me.

So a few months ago, our church started a new growth initiative called Multiply. As we grow larger as a congregation the needs of our church grow as well. Obviously there is a financial need to address the capacity our church can hold, but it doesn't stop there. We also need to increase our commitment to serve and use our time and talents to meet the needs as well.

As this was all unfolded for us I began to pray on what my role in all of this was. I serve regularly and we tithe regularly and I feel as though we are doing what God has called us to do.

One thing God did ask of us, was to increase our tithe over the next 2 years. I prayed as to just how that was going to be possible and how God was going to show up and make that happen and His plan was revealed to me rather loudly and rather quickly; no more shoe/boot shopping, no more clothing shopping. I cannot describe to you the complete and total peace I had about that when I told God that I was game for that. I want for nothing in either of those area's, I have way more than most.

However, as the days and weeks progressed I find myself having a hard time keeping up my end of this commitment. It's not that I need or want things, but it's more like I just plain old like to shop. It's hard to pass up that sale rack, or scroll past those ultra discounted gorgeous boots, simply because they are such a good deal. I'd love to tell you that I have not given in to temptation but that would be a lie. Oh how aware I am that it grieves the Spirit when I fail and it's a really icky feeling.

So as I try to process through all this as to why this is what God has called me to I had it in my head that this was a stewardship thing, that God was telling me I wasn't being a good steward with the treasures He has so richly blessed me with. However, I was struggling to see how that was the case. We've been tithing for years, and we give generously often. I didn't feel that it was the "stuff" so to speak because I've given away several pairs of shoes/boots and clothing over the years without too much hesitation and with great joy in being able to bless others with it.

I boiled it down to it was just a bad habit that God deemed I needed to break free from. You know, be more disciplined and have more self-control. That was until this morning....

This morning as I was searching for a devotion on discipleship to share with friends for an upcoming retreat I stumbled across one that kind of rocked my world. It used my very least favorite story in the Bible, the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22. I have a really hard time with that story, simply because I'm a mom and because I can't seem to quiet the thoughts that run through my head as I read that story. Yes, I fully understand the purpose and meaning behind it but it doesn't change the thoughts.

This morning God used that story to smack me upside the head! This part of the devotion is what drove home the point "When Abraham so wonderfully passed this test, God blessed him and spared his son (Genesis 22:3–18). In essence, God told him, "It's all right, Abraham. I never intended that you actually kill Isaac. I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might remain unchallenged there." Bam!!!

 Now I have a feeling that those of you that are reading this that actually know me, this might not have been a big stretch for you. You might have seen this coming a mile away. However, I always strive to live a godly life, to be a good Jesus follower. When God asked this of me I blindly assumed it was about the money, about being a good steward, about not spending our treasures frivolously. However, I didn't really get that either because I felt that we were doing what we're supposed to be doing. I've never once felt as though my shopping has stopped us from paying our bills or giving generously. I also blindly assumed that my heart was in alignment with Gods, that I had nothing that was competing for my heart. The struggle I'm finding in actually following through with this commitment, tells me otherwise.

So I share all of this with you, not only for my own benefit, but also to ask you to look inward and see what in your life does God compete for the throne of your heart for?

God's Glory

Right now there is this completely awesome and amazing thing going on in my community. A young girl was in a bad car accident and the out pouring of love and support for this family is so wildly and unfathomably spectacular it is something that those of us who know and love the Lord sit back and go, ahhh yeah, there's God doing what only God can do.

Facebook is blowing up all over the country, quite possibly the world, with shared up dates on this young lady's progress. People who have never even heard of this family have been praying for her. Fundraisers springing up every where to help cover the immense cost of all of it all, it's just incredible!

As I pray each day for this young girl's continued healing, for miracles to continue happening, for peace, strength and courage for her family, for wisdom and knowledge for the medical staff that is caring for her and for the Joy of the Lord to radiate from the tips of her toes to the top of her head, I find myself almost giddy with excitement. Not for what you'd think though. Not because God is doing more than we could have ever imagined. Not because a community is coming together to support this family. Not because she continues to pass milestone after milestone. All these things are amazing of course, but none of it is what has me just bubbling over with great anticipation.

What has me just bursting at the seams is knowing that through all of this, that there will be people who will come to know and love the Lord. I think of all the people that don't know who Jesus is, or have doubts that He is who He says He is. As I read each update and hear how God has shown up each day, how her family shares of the miracles that God has done, the hope that they have because of Him, I pray for those that read those posts that don't know Jesus. I pray for those that live hurt and broken lives and feel so completely lost and hopeless in them. I pray that through all of this, that they would come to know their Daddy in heaven that wants to love them, who wants to comfort them, and give them hope and joy abounding.

I wish there was a way for us to know how this all unfolds, how many lives have been forever transformed by the love of our Savior because a young girl got in a car accident and the family chose to reach out to the community for prayer. I wish there was a way to trace the fingerprint of God through each and every one of them. If you're one of those people, I want you to know that I pray as fervently for you as I do for her.

Pray Hard.
Pray Often.
Pray Now.

Overwhelming art.

On the morning of September 21st, the day after our churches annual meeting, I woke up with an idea. It was an idea that was so clear, and so fully formed that I knew it wasn't my own idea, so I welcomed it and knew eventually it would happen. However, life is busy, and sadly most often my art is what loses out. This was however, an idea that was birthed of the Holy Spirit so it would not sit quietly and wait for long. Shortly after, with some not so gentle nudging from God,  I approached my pastor about putting up some artwork at church and just vaguely explained the idea and got his approval to hang it.

Next was deciding where at church to hang it so I knew what size canvas to get. The wall we chose is quite large, so a 5x6 foot canvas is what I purchased. (getting it home was surely an adventure I won't soon forget). I made my templates and started working on cutting out some paper dolls in my spare time. I was still sort of just taking my time, figuring that I wouldn't need to hurry and I could just do it at my own pace, I had no deadline.

Then the day came when I had decided I would tackle my back ground. I had a feeling I was in trouble when I started to unwrap the plastic from it and I was overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. However, I just chalked it up to the fact that it was so large and it had been a while since I'd done any canvas work, (never mind the fact that I cry often and easily).

I picked my paint colors and began painting on the background colors. As I was painting, an idea that had come to mind a few days early showed up again. The idea that my church family should be part of this. Since this was to represent that we were all moving together, yet, in our own uniqueness, in disciplining others to know Jesus and experience life in Him, maybe this was truly bigger than just me. However, as I had earlier, I dismissed the idea as ridiculous and moved on. Well, about half way through getting the background painted,  the overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to share this idea with my pastor was almost crippling. I set my paint brush down, emailed my pastor, nearly begging him to not like the idea so I didn't have to be responsible for all that. Of course he loved the idea and then all of the sudden I had a deadline.

So I figured out how many dolls I was going to need to cover the canvas the way I wanted it. To say I was shocked that it was going to take so many was an understatement. Good thing I have so many good, and willing friends and family that can cut out paper dolls while we have great conversations or watch TV together. Forever grateful for them all.

All the dolls were all brought to church for 2 Sundays in a row and set out for people to sign them. I then had 2 weeks to get the canvas done. To say that I greatly underestimated the amount of time this would take to complete is an understatement. I would spend hours getting the dolls onto the canvas only to step back and take a look and it wouldn't look any further along than it had when I first started it. Outlining them after they were all on the canvas took an entire 8 hours. I never anticipated that.

Another thing I didn't anticipated is the way that God spoke to me through it. He asked that I pray for each person as I put them on the canvas. Not just general prayers but real true personal prayers. For most of them there was no way for me to know who this person was who had written their name. As I placed each one on the canvas  I placed my hand over it and He spoke to me about the needs of each person. There were some that were quick easy prayers and then there were some that flooded me with emotion and I had to pause and pray fervently as the tears would flow.  I was extremely overwhelmed by the weight of  this piece and truly in awe that God had chosen me to be part of this.

That part, the part right there, when it becomes not merely something I do, but something that God does through my art that I so desperately wish I could fully and adequately explain to people in such a way that you could get a glimpse into the experience. Holy Spirit lead art, for me, is a more personal and intimate than any worship experience, and prayer time, and any time in the word that I have ever experienced. No Jesus Culture concert, no Women's conference or Good Friday or Christmas Eve service comes even close in comparison. It is no longer I that am creating, but God creating through me. Each stroke of the brush is from God, each color choice, image placement, medium used, is Gods.

At the end of it, when the piece is completed, when it is given away, hung up or presented I walk away humbled from the experience, and wishing I could just blend into the background and not be part of the recognition of it all. I'm emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and it usually takes me a day or two to recover from the experience. I so desperately want to sit in that space forever, to feel the closeness of my Maker, to feel His hand in mine, to so clearly hear His words guiding me along. Sadly the noise of the world and the every day grind creeps in and takes over....until the next time. I can't wait for the next time.