I had an interesting "look back" into my life today, thanks to post on a friends blog today.  Something I don't recall doing much of because there is just so much going on now, I rarely think to reflect on where I've come from.

In this reflecting, I've decided I really like where I am today. God has blessed me so abundantly and I'm not sure I was completely aware of just how much and in what area's until thinking back over things today.

I consider my childhood, and the way I was raised. In years past I've carried much bitterness about things that were out of my control, yet my parents did what they thought was best. However, I can now see that the experiences of my childhood have shaped me as a parent. I am not a perfect parent, I know that there will most likely be areas that my children will feel they've been slighted or that I failed at. I just hope that they can in turn do as I have, and use those experiences to help shape their parenting as well.

I think of my education, or lack there of and I see how I have learned to adapt in areas where I still struggle. If I have any regrets it would be that I failed to take my education seriously. This is where my brilliant husband comes into play. God has blessed me with a man who knows more about anything I could ever want to know. I also find that this is another area where I see that it has helped shape my parenting.

I think of how I met my husband, this is a "look back" I do often because the hand of God is so obvious in it and my husband is a blessing I thank God for each and every day. From just that blessing, so many other blessings have sprung forth. I think of our wedding day, oh the expense that was dished out for that, oy!! If I have one nugget of wisdom to pass along, is that the importance of the whole day, is the vows you make to one another in the presence of God, the rest is so trivial!

I think of my children when they were young. Oh the madness!!! Having the girls soooo close together, was so crazy. I can honestly say that most of toddler-hood is such a blur, so if you're in the midst of it right now, write it down!! I wouldn't change my girls being so close for anything though, they're all such good friends now as nearly grown adult women. My son is such an exciting blessing as well, he came at a time in our life when the busy-ness of the girls toddler-hood was nearly at an end. We got to enjoy him as the only baby in the house which was such a treasure. Gods timing is always perfect.

I consider our choice of homes to buy. When we bought our house it was perfect size for Jerry and I and 3 little girls. Our intention was to stay in this house only 5 years or so and then move on to something bigger. That obviously never happened.  I look at our home now and see that yes, it's small, but it has helped shape our family to be as close knit as it is. We spend a lot of time together because we're forced to in the small space, but more importantly, we spend time together because we want to. There is a lot of laughter in our home, and I'm not so sure that our relationships with one another would be as well shaped and intertwined as they are now if we'd of had room to spread out and separate ourselves from one another. No ones pain goes unnoticed and uncomforted because you cannot cry in our home without someone noticing. I know that at the time of the pain, you feel like you just want to be left alone, however, in the end it's the support of loved ones that helps ease things. I know that as my children grow up they will have lots of "remember when..." stories. 

However, through all this reflection, all the things that I've gone through in my ever so short lifetime of 44 years, I have done the most important growing and changing in just the last 4 years. Turning 40 was so hard for me, and I look at it now and see that it wasn't the number itself, more the realization that although I was aging, I wasn't changing, I wasn't growing, I wasn't evolving into anything really. Yes, I was still a mom, still a wife, and other relational things, but through it all I had lost who I was.

So many things happened in such quick succession that it became almost whirlwind like. God entered my life in a way I hadn't let him in years, because of His urging, I began therapy, which cleared away so much unresolved garbage that I began to find my identity again. All the while leaning on God, the support of my family and friends, I have become a person that I am proud to be. I have a better grasp on who I am for me, who I am for my husband, and who I am for my kids. I have a good balance in my life because I'm not searching for anything, I'm not trying to figure out who I am or where I'm supposed to be. I know that ultimately, for me, that all this is possible, because I know who I am in Christ.

How does your reflection look?