Aligning my heart.

So, today is Sunday. I love Sundays! It's my favorite day of the week. I get to go to church and see and chat with some of my most favorite people. I get to sing and worship my God with all of them and I get to hear a wonderful message from our pastor. Sunday's are good for my heart.

However, since agreeing to go to Costa Rica along with all those other emotions is the emotion of dread, okay, maybe dread isn't the right word, but there is certainly this feeling of "unpeace". You see, every Sunday at 3:30 there is a Costa Rica team meeting. I love every person on our team. God has aligned such a great group of people to take this journey with me. However, every Sunday, when I remember that I have that meeting, I go through this thing in my head where I try to imagine a scenario where I can talk my way out of going. Not just the meeting, but Costa Rica all together. Then I remember that I'm doing this out of obedience to God's will for my life and I begrudgingly swallow it all and just move on. This is my normal Sunday routine as of late.

However, something shifted this morning. While I was going through my "get out of Costa Rica" bargaining,  God said to me "Lisa, it grieves me when you do this". Sigh. I wish I had the ability to say so much with so few words. At that moment I knew that each time I try to imagine getting out of it, or express my desire not to go, I'm telling God that what He has in store for me isn't good enough, that I'm not trusting Him to know what is best for me. It's like He's giving me this wonderful gift, this blessing and although I've taken it, I'm not appreciating it, I'm ridiculing not only the gift, but the Gift Giver as well. It is a slap in the face to Him. Shame on me!

Of course, me being the selfish, fleshly person that I am, I cannot see past what I want, what my plans are, what my ideas and fears and insecurities are. All I'm focused on is how uncomfortable I perceive that all of this will make me, and I can only see it from my perspective. Nearly boasting that I'm doing this out of obedience, almost like I'm asking people to pat me on the back for being the "good Christian". In all of this I've forgotten that God's plans are perfect, that I should be grateful for all that He has in store for me. That I should accept each direction, each gift with bated breath and anxious for what each moment entails. That my heart shouldn't be over flowing with dread or woe because it's not what I want, but it should be bursting with anticipation and excitement for what God wants to show me. I should be out of my skin that God has put this in my lap and has equipped me each step along the way and I should be marveled at His awesomeness. I should be feeling blessed that He's chosen me to be His hands and feet and to be His vessel in which to bring light and color to Hogar de Vida. I should also have an open heart, anxious for all the wonder, and the joy and the blessings that He has in store for me through all of this. Oh how could I be so foolish?

I also believe that this does not simply encompass Hogar de Vida, but everything that He's gifted me with. There are things that I know I don't embrace all that He has intended for me because it's not what I want, or it's not an easy thing. There are things in my life that I have been shown repeatedly that are part of who God has made me to be, yet, some times they're not easy things, they require work and dedication and a willingness to do what He asks me to do. The easy way out, the selfish way, is to dismiss those things, to complain about those things and to do my very best not to do those things. Today's scolding, if you will, was quite the wake up call in several areas of my life. If I'm not willing to step up and joyfully, willingly, embrace His will for my life, not only am I missing out on all that He has planned for me, I am also not having the Kingdom impact that I should be, or that I am capable of because I have chosen not to be who He's designed me to be.

1 Corintians 12:27 states that we are the body of Christ and each one of us is a part of it. I think not only do we have to accept our role in that body of Christ, we have to live it to it's fullness. If I am say, the hand on this body and I accept that I'm the hand, yet live my life broken or say, asleep, not functioning to my fullest, then is this hand truly any good to the body? If it doesn't function the way it should or just hangs there limp then it is virtually useless. I think God has shown me that I have to do more than just be part of the body, I have to function in His good and perfect will, with a joyful, expectant heart, not just out of obedience.

One thing is for sure, He never, ever stops teaching me, forever, growing me, molding me, shaping me, painting me to be the picture He has in mind. I'm so grateful for His perfect grace and mercy because it's something I am so repeatedly in need of.

God is good, all the time, all the time, God is good.

What I learned

So I'm about done with therapy this time around. I'm feeling much better, much more clear headed, processing things much easier. Took a little longer than I expected, but it is what it is.

Each time I muddle through this I always come out on the other side, stronger and wiser than I was going in. I know that each trial I go through is an opportunity for God to teach me something, to stretch me and help me grow. I'm never happy going into it, but when I finally step out of it I can see God's finger print through it all and it's glorious.

This time around has been no different. I learned things about myself that I didn't realize I did. For example, I have what my therapist calls "floating anxiety". Not sure if that's a true psychological term but that's what he called it. When things are going well, it freaks me out a bit, like it can't possibly really all be "that" good so my mind races for something to be anxious about. This time around I had lots to choose from. I have learned to identify that it happens, so will now be more aware of it when I start to do that and will hopefully be able to head it off before I fixate on something that doesn't need to be fixated on. God says "be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Phil4:6-7). This is something that I must, without fail, go to instead of the anxiety.

Mostly though, what I learned is that I am not in control and that's okay. The success or failure of whatever it is I am involved in does not rest solely on my shoulders. Even if it's something I'm leading or "in charge" of. Ultimately God is in control and all He asks of me is that I do my best and do things according to His will, He will take care of the rest. I need to pray, and I need to listen.

I've also learned that failure is not a bad thing. You would think I'd have figured this out by now considering I am an artist and experience that regularly. However, in the studio, I can just gesso over it and start something new. As you may have noticed, this blog is called Life OUTSIDE the Studio, you can't just gesso over life. However, there will be failures in life and I can learn from them.

I have also learned that when I do fail at something, people will still like me. My character is not determined by what I succeed or fail at but how I handle myself in both situations. Something my therapist is always quick to do is point out how I react to people and situations. Do I no longer like someone because they didn't succeed at something? Of course not! So why should I assume that people will have that reaction towards me in the same situation? People offer grace and understanding and more often than not are willing to stand beside you and help hold you up through your failures and encourage you to try again and be there to celebrate with you when you succeed.

In closing I would just like to add a small PSA: therapy is not a bad thing, it's a healthy thing. It doesn't mean you're crazy or out of control. It means you are seeking council in how to be a better person, it allows you to process your thoughts and emotions in a safe way.  Choose your therapist carefully and find one that speaks truth.. The therapist I see, is a Christian, however, he is not a Christian therapist, I know this because I asked him before I saw him the first time. It's okay to ask questions before you make your choice and it's okay to move on to a different one if the one you choose to see isn't working out like you thought. I have been through 3 others before I found this one.

 If you have any questions about therapy please don't hesitate to ask, as you can see, I don't mind sharing.

Hearing from God

So yesterday was another banner day in therapy. I have this love hate relationship with break thrus because on one hand it tells me part of what my issues are and I can then move forward and fix and heal those things. On the other hand it shows me where I'm vulnerable and broken. Often times these break thrus are things that I wasn't even aware of that I was doing or feeling or being.

Most the time my therapist just annoys me and makes me angry. Asks me all kinds of stupid things, says blatant, obvious things that in and of themselves are not bad, it's just the way he says them. Of course I know that if I fail at something the world is not going to come to an end. I know that this is his way of making me see how irrational I'm being though. It is these things he says though that make me think and make me process and I'm certain that's his reason for doing such things. If ever I leave a session with him and I'm not a little irritated with him I think it was a wasted session. Nothing gets your head spinning more than being angry with someone. It's been proven that if you have a conversation with someone that is less than friendly you can usually repeat word for word what the conversation was. However if you have a nice conversation with someone most the time you can remember bits and pieces or a general feeling but not exact words. I believe that by leaving there a little annoyed I'm able to then reprocess all we talked about and sort through everything.

Yesterday we discovered that I am fearful. Really?? How can that be? The Bible tells me that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self-control. I don't feel afraid. We're not talking big bugs in Costa Rica kind of fear, that fear is totally rational, have you SEEN the size of those bugs?? This is a deep seated, fear of failure kind of thing. Not only the what if I fail kind of thing but the what will people think of me if I fail. The things that God is asking me to do aren't things that only happen in my studio so if I fail no one sees. No, these are BIG things, things that everyone is going to see. In going through my life's events I don't think I've ever put myself out there to do something that I thought I might fail at. I've always thought that for the most part I've been pretty secure in who I am and what I can do. Then God happens.

God asks me to do these things that I'm not so secure in. He asks me to step out in faith and do things I feel like I'm going to fail at. I know that He asks me these things because I need to trust in Him and know that He will make them not fail. They were His ideas in the first place.

So okay. Last night, I crawl into bed and decide I feel like reading, but not my Ted Dekker book, something else, but what?? So I pick up an art book that I'd been reading but haven't touched in a couple months called An Army Uprising by Christ John Otto. I pick it up and start where I left off. It's the story of Gideon, the part of the story where God tells Gideon to send home all of those that are afraid and 2/3 of his army just leaves. Then they go down to the river to drink and God tells him to send home all of those that kneel down to drink from it. That leaves Gideon with 300 soldiers to fight this battle. Can you just imagine how ridiculous Gideon must think this is?? Then in the book, the author says this:

     "Maybe there was more here. Maybe these 300 men were fearless because they were not
       afraid of what others thought of them. Maybe they were the kind of men who knew who
       they were, maybe they stood up because they were always prepared. Maybe they were
       free of the spirit of slavery. Maybe they were the kind of men who were willing to do
       anything no matter how strange or odd. Maybe they were the kind of people that God 
       could actually use because they had gotten over their hang-ups"

Whoa! Did you read what just happened there? Here I am, trying to process the notion that right now my biggest hang-up is that I am afraid of what people will think of me if I fail, and I believe that it was God who told me to pick up this book to read and right there in black and white the author says that. Now, I don't know if that's why God chose those men, we may never know. However, I believe that God needed me to read that. So of course I'm sucked into this book now because I'm certain that God has other things He wants to tell me, so I read on. Then the author says this:

     "Gideon had to make a choice to believe what God was saying about him. For we, who
       are called to the front line need to make a decision. Will we embrace the thing that is
       in us? Will we embrace the call to the creative life, whatever form that may take? This 
       is a dangerous choice to make, it will require sacrifice, change, and may also impact 
       the lives of others." 

Oh man, this book is speaking right to my heart. Right to the things that have been revealed to me that I am struggling with. I tell ya I was just about to jump right out of my skin. Jerry was in bed next to me sound asleep and it took great restraint not to wake him up and tell him about all of this.

Finally the end of the chapter closes in a prayer that is a prayer that I am now praying:

     "Abba Father, thank you for the call to join the army of artists in this moment in time. I
       have not understood all that you have for me, and have been frustrated at times because
       I could not walk into my destiny. I ask you to encounter me, to name me, and shape me.
       As I embrace your call on my life for this moment, I surrender to your plan. I say 'let it
       be me according to your word.' May I be part of the story that you are writing. All this
       I pray in the name of Jesus Christ the Living Word, Amen."

So today I am processing and reading and thinking and praying. God remove this spirit of fear from me, it has no place in me for You are in me.