However, since agreeing to go to Costa Rica along with all those other emotions is the emotion of dread, okay, maybe dread isn't the right word, but there is certainly this feeling of "unpeace". You see, every Sunday at 3:30 there is a Costa Rica team meeting. I love every person on our team. God has aligned such a great group of people to take this journey with me. However, every Sunday, when I remember that I have that meeting, I go through this thing in my head where I try to imagine a scenario where I can talk my way out of going. Not just the meeting, but Costa Rica all together. Then I remember that I'm doing this out of obedience to God's will for my life and I begrudgingly swallow it all and just move on. This is my normal Sunday routine as of late.
However, something shifted this morning. While I was going through my "get out of Costa Rica" bargaining, God said to me "Lisa, it grieves me when you do this". Sigh. I wish I had the ability to say so much with so few words. At that moment I knew that each time I try to imagine getting out of it, or express my desire not to go, I'm telling God that what He has in store for me isn't good enough, that I'm not trusting Him to know what is best for me. It's like He's giving me this wonderful gift, this blessing and although I've taken it, I'm not appreciating it, I'm ridiculing not only the gift, but the Gift Giver as well. It is a slap in the face to Him. Shame on me!
Of course, me being the selfish, fleshly person that I am, I cannot see past what I want, what my plans are, what my ideas and fears and insecurities are. All I'm focused on is how uncomfortable I perceive that all of this will make me, and I can only see it from my perspective. Nearly boasting that I'm doing this out of obedience, almost like I'm asking people to pat me on the back for being the "good Christian". In all of this I've forgotten that God's plans are perfect, that I should be grateful for all that He has in store for me. That I should accept each direction, each gift with bated breath and anxious for what each moment entails. That my heart shouldn't be over flowing with dread or woe because it's not what I want, but it should be bursting with anticipation and excitement for what God wants to show me. I should be out of my skin that God has put this in my lap and has equipped me each step along the way and I should be marveled at His awesomeness. I should be feeling blessed that He's chosen me to be His hands and feet and to be His vessel in which to bring light and color to Hogar de Vida. I should also have an open heart, anxious for all the wonder, and the joy and the blessings that He has in store for me through all of this. Oh how could I be so foolish?
I also believe that this does not simply encompass Hogar de Vida, but everything that He's gifted me with. There are things that I know I don't embrace all that He has intended for me because it's not what I want, or it's not an easy thing. There are things in my life that I have been shown repeatedly that are part of who God has made me to be, yet, some times they're not easy things, they require work and dedication and a willingness to do what He asks me to do. The easy way out, the selfish way, is to dismiss those things, to complain about those things and to do my very best not to do those things. Today's scolding, if you will, was quite the wake up call in several areas of my life. If I'm not willing to step up and joyfully, willingly, embrace His will for my life, not only am I missing out on all that He has planned for me, I am also not having the Kingdom impact that I should be, or that I am capable of because I have chosen not to be who He's designed me to be.
1 Corintians 12:27 states that we are the body of Christ and each one of us is a part of it. I think not only do we have to accept our role in that body of Christ, we have to live it to it's fullness. If I am say, the hand on this body and I accept that I'm the hand, yet live my life broken or say, asleep, not functioning to my fullest, then is this hand truly any good to the body? If it doesn't function the way it should or just hangs there limp then it is virtually useless. I think God has shown me that I have to do more than just be part of the body, I have to function in His good and perfect will, with a joyful, expectant heart, not just out of obedience.
One thing is for sure, He never, ever stops teaching me, forever, growing me, molding me, shaping me, painting me to be the picture He has in mind. I'm so grateful for His perfect grace and mercy because it's something I am so repeatedly in need of.
God is good, all the time, all the time, God is good.
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