Hearing from God

So yesterday was another banner day in therapy. I have this love hate relationship with break thrus because on one hand it tells me part of what my issues are and I can then move forward and fix and heal those things. On the other hand it shows me where I'm vulnerable and broken. Often times these break thrus are things that I wasn't even aware of that I was doing or feeling or being.

Most the time my therapist just annoys me and makes me angry. Asks me all kinds of stupid things, says blatant, obvious things that in and of themselves are not bad, it's just the way he says them. Of course I know that if I fail at something the world is not going to come to an end. I know that this is his way of making me see how irrational I'm being though. It is these things he says though that make me think and make me process and I'm certain that's his reason for doing such things. If ever I leave a session with him and I'm not a little irritated with him I think it was a wasted session. Nothing gets your head spinning more than being angry with someone. It's been proven that if you have a conversation with someone that is less than friendly you can usually repeat word for word what the conversation was. However if you have a nice conversation with someone most the time you can remember bits and pieces or a general feeling but not exact words. I believe that by leaving there a little annoyed I'm able to then reprocess all we talked about and sort through everything.

Yesterday we discovered that I am fearful. Really?? How can that be? The Bible tells me that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self-control. I don't feel afraid. We're not talking big bugs in Costa Rica kind of fear, that fear is totally rational, have you SEEN the size of those bugs?? This is a deep seated, fear of failure kind of thing. Not only the what if I fail kind of thing but the what will people think of me if I fail. The things that God is asking me to do aren't things that only happen in my studio so if I fail no one sees. No, these are BIG things, things that everyone is going to see. In going through my life's events I don't think I've ever put myself out there to do something that I thought I might fail at. I've always thought that for the most part I've been pretty secure in who I am and what I can do. Then God happens.

God asks me to do these things that I'm not so secure in. He asks me to step out in faith and do things I feel like I'm going to fail at. I know that He asks me these things because I need to trust in Him and know that He will make them not fail. They were His ideas in the first place.

So okay. Last night, I crawl into bed and decide I feel like reading, but not my Ted Dekker book, something else, but what?? So I pick up an art book that I'd been reading but haven't touched in a couple months called An Army Uprising by Christ John Otto. I pick it up and start where I left off. It's the story of Gideon, the part of the story where God tells Gideon to send home all of those that are afraid and 2/3 of his army just leaves. Then they go down to the river to drink and God tells him to send home all of those that kneel down to drink from it. That leaves Gideon with 300 soldiers to fight this battle. Can you just imagine how ridiculous Gideon must think this is?? Then in the book, the author says this:

     "Maybe there was more here. Maybe these 300 men were fearless because they were not
       afraid of what others thought of them. Maybe they were the kind of men who knew who
       they were, maybe they stood up because they were always prepared. Maybe they were
       free of the spirit of slavery. Maybe they were the kind of men who were willing to do
       anything no matter how strange or odd. Maybe they were the kind of people that God 
       could actually use because they had gotten over their hang-ups"

Whoa! Did you read what just happened there? Here I am, trying to process the notion that right now my biggest hang-up is that I am afraid of what people will think of me if I fail, and I believe that it was God who told me to pick up this book to read and right there in black and white the author says that. Now, I don't know if that's why God chose those men, we may never know. However, I believe that God needed me to read that. So of course I'm sucked into this book now because I'm certain that God has other things He wants to tell me, so I read on. Then the author says this:

     "Gideon had to make a choice to believe what God was saying about him. For we, who
       are called to the front line need to make a decision. Will we embrace the thing that is
       in us? Will we embrace the call to the creative life, whatever form that may take? This 
       is a dangerous choice to make, it will require sacrifice, change, and may also impact 
       the lives of others." 

Oh man, this book is speaking right to my heart. Right to the things that have been revealed to me that I am struggling with. I tell ya I was just about to jump right out of my skin. Jerry was in bed next to me sound asleep and it took great restraint not to wake him up and tell him about all of this.

Finally the end of the chapter closes in a prayer that is a prayer that I am now praying:

     "Abba Father, thank you for the call to join the army of artists in this moment in time. I
       have not understood all that you have for me, and have been frustrated at times because
       I could not walk into my destiny. I ask you to encounter me, to name me, and shape me.
       As I embrace your call on my life for this moment, I surrender to your plan. I say 'let it
       be me according to your word.' May I be part of the story that you are writing. All this
       I pray in the name of Jesus Christ the Living Word, Amen."

So today I am processing and reading and thinking and praying. God remove this spirit of fear from me, it has no place in me for You are in me.