When healing isn't part of God's plan

In July of 2013 my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We were devastated. Her oncologist was insistent that we start treatment immediately, which we were grateful for, yet, also concerned about.

The scans they did showed tumors throughout her liver and her lungs. My Mom didn't want to even see her scans, it was all very frightening to her. We were later to discover that it had also gotten to her bones, and quite possibly her brain.

We all started to say our prayers, asking for God's healing hand to reach down and erase all signs of the cancer from her body. Praying continuously for just that. Our God is the Great Physician, there is nothing He cannot do and we were trusting Him for it.

Several treatments later, her scans were repeated and the tumors in her liver were all but gone, and the one large tumor in her lungs had shrunk considerably. Praise God!! We asked for healing and that's what we were getting....or at least more time with her.

You see, during one of my prayer times with God, as I prayed desperately, pleading for the life of my Mother, God shared with me that healing was not part of His plan. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how His plan didn't include her healing. Further more, how could He share that with me? It took some time before I could ask Him, if healing wasn't part of His plan, what was?

His answer was so beautiful, to this day I can still hear it just as He spoke it, "let me show you My Glory". God had something He wanted to do and my Mom's illness and death was to be part of how He did it. I wish I could say that I was immediately excited to see what He was going to do, but I wasn't. Especially after seeing those scans, I have to admit I thought maybe God had changed His mind. However, it wasn't long after that that we began to see evidence that it wasn't going to "stick". I needed to change my perspective.

So as God had reminded me repeatedly, He was going to show us His Glory, I started to be intentional about watching for it. It wasn't big earth shattering things, just small things, but things that added up.

My Mom's Faith had suddenly blossomed. She was saying things I'd never heard her say before, she had a new Hope that seemed to just run through her. Not only was she saying things about God to us, her family, but it seemed that it just flowed into conversations with everyone. One of my favorite things I remember her saying to one of the chemo nurses was "I see cancer as a win-win, either I'm here on earth praising God or I'm in heaven praising God". God's Glory.

 There was a shift in her attitude and her demeanor, and because of that shift there was also a shift in mine with her as well. Suddenly I found myself having conversations I wished I had been able to have had with her throughout my adult life.  A life time of hurt and misunderstandings gone in a matter of weeks as we sat though her chemo treatments together, talked on the phone, and visited with each other. I suddenly had the relationship with my Mom that I'd always wanted. I was so completely grateful for that opportunity. God's Glory.

My brother had a bit of a falling out with our family for a while, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and things just seemed so far from repair. I missed my brother something fierce and had just resigned myself to understanding that the relationship we once had would probably never be again. Personal conversations just weren't going to happen any more and things were just stiff and informal. Our family would just have this tear in it that we'd all step over and be grateful that it hadn't ripped completely and that we had hung on to small shreds still attached.Then, Mom got sick and suddenly things changed. There was an urgency to make things right, to make things better, to agree to disagree and just love one another. It wasn't a pretty or an easy mending, and there are still some gaps here and there, but we all got a taste of what is important, what matters. I suddenly had my brother back and I am overjoyed. God's Glory.

Through all this I learned to shift perspective. I learned that no matter what I'm going through that if I just try to find God's perspective that I can see things differently than I do through my own eyes. I have found that through Mom's illness I was able to learn how to trust in God in ways that I never had before. I had trusted that He would provide for me and my family, that He would make things good, often times even better than I expected. This was the first time that I knew that He wasn't going to make things all better and good. In the end, my Mom was going to die from this terrible disease. I learned to trust Him in ALL things, even the things that don't turn out all pretty with a bow on top. In ALL things God is good. God's Glory.

My Mother died on January 21st 2014 in a hospital bed in Janesville Mercy Hospital. She was surrounded by her children who all sobbed as we gave her permission to let go and land in the arms of her Heavenly Father. She took her last breath as I read the last line of Psalm 23. It was a beautiful passing, and as much as my heart broke that she was no longer with us I had blessed assurance that she was in Glory, God's Glory.

Part of why I share this story, is to say, that sometimes God's plan is painful. Sometimes healing isn't part of His plan. Sometimes He has plans that are bigger than healing. I look at all the things that have occurred through my Mom's death and if God had chosen to just heal my Mom, yes, we would have had the testimony of a miracle, but we would have missed out on so much more. Over time I imagine that a miracle of Mom's healing would have lost it's luster, it would have become common place in our lives and eventually it may have even been forgotten, or possibly, we might have not even seen it as a miracle. The lessons I learned, the things that God showed me through all of this, continue to help me grow in my walk with God. They have given me wisdom to share with others, a testimony that speaks volumes, one that I think of and repeat often. God's Glory.

God's plan is often nothing like our plan, God's plan, is ALWAYS perfect. God's Glory.

24 Years

24 Years, 24 years as Mrs. Lisa Gifford, that's a glorious thing! I'll be honest when I said I do and imagined 24 years later, this isn't what I imagined. There's no way I could've. Our lives are so much different now than they were then.

The day we said "I Do", in 1991, it snowed. Yes, it snowed. Gotta love Wisconsin weather. Man, we were just kids. I look at my own kids, and yes, I know 2 of them are engaged, yet, I think, you're not old enough to be thinking of getting married. They're just kids. There is so much they don't know yet!

However, I wouldn't change getting married to Jerry at 23 for the world. At the time, I truly felt like he was saving me. Saving me from the mess that I felt my family was, saving me from the financial disasters I'd created, and in essence saving me from myself. He was my safe place. Probably not the healthiest way to step into an life long commitment, but it's what I felt the time. I wasn't wise enough, or mature enough, and no one had taught me that marriage was to be something more than a life preserver.

The first year was exciting and stressful all at the same time. Still kids trying how to figure out how to do all this, then on our first anniversary we brought home our first child. The next year, we adopted our 2nd, the 3rd year we gave birth to our third. Those first years of our marriage is a blur of changing diapers, chasing toddlers, pinching pennies and qualifying trips to the grocery store while my parents watched our daughters for an hour, as a date.

Now 24 years later, all but 2 of our 5 kids are out of the house, 4 of them out of school with our youngest just finishing up his Junior year in high school. Our lives have gone from chasing toddlers, kissing boo-boo's and eating pretend food, to praying that the things we taught our kids along the way will have stuck as they step into adulthood. Trying not to focus on the areas of our parenting where we wish would have known so that we could have done things differently, and trusting that God will fill in the gaps. As for dates, we can date when ever we want to, no sitters, no "need to be home by" time, heck not even planning ahead if we don't want to, we just decide to go and we do, it's a beautiful thing.

In year 24, I no longer feel as though I need him to save me. In the 24 years we've been married, he's encouraged me, he's come along side me, he's given me courage, shares his wisdom, and loves me more deeply that I ever knew was possible.  So yes, I guess he did save me, but in ways I could never have imagined. He saved me by showing me I had worth, by showing me that I could be strong, he saved me by loving me.

In talking with one of our engaged daughters and her fiancee, he told them, "you think you're in love now, and I'm not doubting that you are, but the love you feel for one another now, is minuscule compared to the love you will feel when you've been married as long as we have". Oh so true.  It's like trying to describe what chocolate tastes like to someone whose never ate it. There just aren't words.

One of the biggest, and greatest changes from year 1 to year 24 is that God is the center of our marriage. Not that we weren't both believers when we were first married, however, we just didn't understand that there was more to it than just believing. We didn't understand that whole relationship with God thing. Our marriage might have been good up until we figured out that God needed to be the center of it, but nothing compared to how it is now. It's like comparing a pair of boots from Walmart to a pair of  Frye leather  boots. I thought Walmart boots were good, and cute and yay, they were cheap. Until I got my first pair of Frye boots and oh my goodness, mind blown!! No way would I ever want put a pair of Walmart boots again. (no offense to those that like Walmart boots, just had to speak my language there for a bit LOL).

So, as we start the next 24+ years of our lives together I look forward to all the adventures that await us. I'm already resigned to the fact that it most likely won't look anything like I imagine it will. I cannot presume to know God's plan for our lives, but He's faithful and He's good and I know that no matter what the next chapters of our lives look like that it's what He has in store for us. I'm so grateful each day for the gift of being Mrs. Jerry Gifford II, it's been better than my wildest imagination!

Don't miss it!

What do you pray for? Do you only pray for big things? Only pray for others? Only pray in times of need? Or do you pray each day to see God?

Part of my every day prayer, most times before I even step foot out of my bed, I pray that God would use me to impact the lives of others today. Up until recently I'd pray that and then go about my day hoping and expecting that God would do just that but never really seeing it happen. Being the person that God made me to be interacting with others is second nature. It's not a stretch for me to talk to others, strangers even, to encourage and compliment and share smiles and laughter with people. It's just what I do, it's who I am. So it makes sense that God would use me in that way, it just didn't seem to me that He was.

However, one day about 2 weeks ago, I had a short like 10 minute conversation with a woman. Someone I knew from things she had said over time that she was in a place of loneliness or insecurity. Although I had encouraged her before, but I never really felt like we ever connected. We don't really hang out or talk other than Facebook comments and the occasional "Good Morning" on Sundays. I saw her out and about one day and we chatted and I talked to her about Bible Journaling. Short conversation, however when I walked away I got this nudge in my spirit that told me I'd just made a difference. I remember thinking, "what? how?, I just talked to her.". Then it became clear that, God was using how he made me to do just what I'd asked Him to do. Ummm Duh!!!

I think when I prayed this prayer each morning I expected it to be something big. A moment when I'd get to share my testimony or lead someone to Jesus. Something much more magnificent then a short 10 minute conversation about something I love to do. That just seemed way too simple. From that moment on I begun to look for the little things, for the small ways He was using me to impact the lives of others. I began to think back over time and was able to see that it truly was almost daily He answered my prayer. Wow, would you just look at that! God answered my prayers! Oh what a glorious thing to know that I matter enough to Him that He answers my prayers.

I wonder how many other things I'm missing because I'm looking only for the big things. I think we need to pay attention to the small things that we'll miss if we aren't focused on Him. The big things happen and are really easy for us to spot, however, we must remember that God is in the whisper, and unless you're paying attention, you'll totally miss it.

In the words of Aerosmith...."I don't want to miss a thing".

I found it here

I'm always amazed how God can take something that you learned or experienced months ago and just continue to grow on that moment. I think we all have things that we can look back and say, "that is when He started this work in me". Then as you move forward you can see all the things along the way that were all a result of that one moment in time when He showed you that one thing.

If you recall, my blog post about coming home from Costa Rica the one thing I missed the most was that tangible feeling of God's presence in everything. I specifically remember that feeling as we got closer to home just slipping away. By the time we landed in Chicago and stepped off the plane I was literally in tears because it just felt like it was gone. I couldn't feel Him like I did there.

What I have realized is that until Costa Rica, I didn't know I was missing anything. I didn't know that that kind of ever present, reach out and touch, feel it in every fiber of your being kind of relationship with God even existed. I thought that I was doing it right, that my relationship with God was what it was supposed to be and that it was good. I didn't know that it could be, and should be even more.

Once home I began searching for that tangibility here. Where was it hiding? How come I had to search for it so hard here when there it just....was. I became very intentional in my searching, immersing myself in His Word, in Praise and Worship music, prayer; all the things that I had done before Costa Rica, however, now it had a new kind of urgency, a desperation almost. It had gone from, this is what I'm "supposed" to do, to this is what I "want" to do. This is what I cannot exist without, I cannot breath without, I cannot go another minute without. This is what God was talking about when He said to seek Him with ALL my heart and when I do, I will find Him. This IS Costa Rica. This is that tangible God, that one that I can touch and feel and see and taste, and oh, is it glorious and beautiful.

Had God not ever taken me to Costa Rica, I may have never known what it was "supposed" to be like. I may never have known I was missing out on anything. I continue to be grateful for that experience and the knowledge that I need to trust in Him in all things because, man, does He ever know what is best for me.