This beautiful creature here is my oldest daughter, Kellie Elizabeth. Today is her 20th birthday, and she shines. She's the child I wanted from the first time I ever held a baby. She's the one I dreamed about, longed for, and ached for.

Not that all of my children aren't amazing and special, however, the thrill of that first baby is something that nothing else can ever mimic. It's so full of firsts, and new experiences that nothing else can compare to it.

I remember driving my husband crazy after we got married because I wanted a baby so badly. He wanted to wait 5 years before having children, I just couldn't comprehend why on earth we should wait so long and how could he not want to have a baby right that minute!!  I won that battle of course because we brought Kellie home from the hospital on our first wedding anniversary. The second she was born her daddy just melted and we've never looked back.

She was the perfect baby, rarely cried, so content, such a perfect round little head, and sweet little fingers and toes. Oh and she smelled so good, all babies smell good to me, but this one was so much more sweet cause she was mine and I didn't have to share her. I didn't have to hand her back to her mom, cause I was the mom. I held that little girl all day every day, just sucking in all the joy that she brought me.

Today she is a bright and lively young woman who continues to bring me joy, and I am so proud of the woman she's becoming. Each day she discovers a little bit more of herself, shaping who she will become. She is head strong, smart and passionate. She is striving for that day when she will stand on her own, and I have no doubt that she will and when she does she will shine. She has a heart for the Lord and knows that He is King of her life and her faith will bring her blessings.

Yes, this is my daughter, Kellie Elizabeth, my child of firsts, I love her so much, and I can't wait to experience all the rest of the firsts with her as she grows.

Happy Birthday, Kellie.

Doctor Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds can read and comprehend 20,000 words per minute. Oh how I envy that. My list of books to read stands taller than me, and that's the list, not the actual books!!  I have a Kindle and I probably have 60 books loaded onto it just waiting for me to open them. Almost daily a new book pops up that I want to read thanks to the sidebar ads on Facebook. Not to mention the numerous books that people recommend to me each week. 

As I write this, and have now backspaced out several excuses as to why I'm not able to get all the reading I want to do, in truth it all boils down to poor time management. Too much time spent on social media or playing online games. Sigh, odd how a whiny post about not enough time has smacked me in the face with reality. 

In this day and age of modern technology where even the written word is digitized our "free time" isn't really free anymore because of the self imposed weight of staying in the loop so to speak. Suddenly it's become a normal part of our lives to blast to everyone what we're doing right that second, as if the world has been standing with baited breath for my latest update. How did this become the norm? 

I think maybe it's time for me to seriously reconsider how I'm spending my time. I've been pretty good as of late making sure that I'm getting my house clean, and I have been fairly consistent with getting on that stupid treadmill.  However, if I'm not doing one of those things or working, you will find me, with my feet propped up in the recliner and the dogs surrounding me on all sides, with this lap top sitting on my lap as I plug into what the rest of the world is doing. 

Hmmmm, I wonder how many of us have unknowingly given up things in our lives that gave us joy only to plug into the world to see what gives other people joy? Thoughts? Comments? 

It always freaks me out just a bit when I get a request to make art for someone. All these fears go through my head, but the biggest one is "what if my vision for what they're asking for, isn't what they see?" Then there is that awkward moment when I present them with a piece of art that isn't anything like they were expecting. Somehow I feel like that fear is multiplied times 10 when your Pastor asks you to create a piece of art to go in the foyer of your church.

However, one of the things that I've consistently asked God for, is to let me create for His glory. So despite my fears, I accepted the challenge and moved forward. I began making all these plans on how  I saw this art, how it was all going to fit together. I sat down at my easel, and put  up the canvas, then, I did something I'd never thought to do before, I put both hands on it and prayed. Prayed that God would guide me, fill me with the creativity of the Holy Spirit, and that what I would create would be to His glory. Then, I listened......I just listened.  I sat back and looked at the canvas, and listened, I drew a heart in the center of it, which was part of my plan, and I listened. Then, I sat back in my chair again, looked at the heart, and yes, I still listened. That, was when I heard, that was when God spoke, that was when God told me HIS plan, and made me realize how small my plan was. That was when He showed me that I wasn't thinking big enough, that His plan was bigger.

I wonder how often I do that, how often I don't think to, or take the time to listen and just move ahead with my plan. I wonder how many times God has shook His head at me and thought, if she'd only listen, she'd hear MY plan and she'd see just how much bigger and better My plan is than hers. I'm sure I've missed out on so much because I just went ahead and did things my way.

As I'm relearning how to do my art, learning how to make art for the process of it, not for what the finished piece will be, I have to say that this particular piece of art, it is very difficult for me to do that.  I feel as though, it's not just one person who may look at it and think "huh, that's not quite what I had in mind", but the entire congregation. However, knowing that as I'm doing it, I'm listening, and He's talking, and He's working through me to create it, I know that it'll be exactly what He expected, and in all of life,  THAT is what matters most. Yes, what I'm doing is for His glory and it is pleasing in His eyes.

As for my pastor Josh and the rest of the congregation, I hope it's pleasing to you all as well, just know that it wasn't my idea if you should look at it and think "huh, that's not quite what I had in mind", take it up with God, cause it was His idea, not mine LOL.

Procrastination, I am the Queen of it! I find anything and everything, including doing this blog post, to do things that I know I SHOULD do, but really don't want to.  Why do we do this to ourselves?? It's not like  when you finally do it, whatever IT is, that it's easier, or less messy or more fun to do. Wouldn't it make more sense just to do it, get it done and over with and move on?? You would think, yet I know that I am not alone in my Queendom of Procrastination, there are many who live in my land. If I find a cure for this I'll post it........later.

I had an interesting "look back" into my life today, thanks to post on a friends blog today.  Something I don't recall doing much of because there is just so much going on now, I rarely think to reflect on where I've come from.

In this reflecting, I've decided I really like where I am today. God has blessed me so abundantly and I'm not sure I was completely aware of just how much and in what area's until thinking back over things today.

I consider my childhood, and the way I was raised. In years past I've carried much bitterness about things that were out of my control, yet my parents did what they thought was best. However, I can now see that the experiences of my childhood have shaped me as a parent. I am not a perfect parent, I know that there will most likely be areas that my children will feel they've been slighted or that I failed at. I just hope that they can in turn do as I have, and use those experiences to help shape their parenting as well.

I think of my education, or lack there of and I see how I have learned to adapt in areas where I still struggle. If I have any regrets it would be that I failed to take my education seriously. This is where my brilliant husband comes into play. God has blessed me with a man who knows more about anything I could ever want to know. I also find that this is another area where I see that it has helped shape my parenting.

I think of how I met my husband, this is a "look back" I do often because the hand of God is so obvious in it and my husband is a blessing I thank God for each and every day. From just that blessing, so many other blessings have sprung forth. I think of our wedding day, oh the expense that was dished out for that, oy!! If I have one nugget of wisdom to pass along, is that the importance of the whole day, is the vows you make to one another in the presence of God, the rest is so trivial!

I think of my children when they were young. Oh the madness!!! Having the girls soooo close together, was so crazy. I can honestly say that most of toddler-hood is such a blur, so if you're in the midst of it right now, write it down!! I wouldn't change my girls being so close for anything though, they're all such good friends now as nearly grown adult women. My son is such an exciting blessing as well, he came at a time in our life when the busy-ness of the girls toddler-hood was nearly at an end. We got to enjoy him as the only baby in the house which was such a treasure. Gods timing is always perfect.

I consider our choice of homes to buy. When we bought our house it was perfect size for Jerry and I and 3 little girls. Our intention was to stay in this house only 5 years or so and then move on to something bigger. That obviously never happened.  I look at our home now and see that yes, it's small, but it has helped shape our family to be as close knit as it is. We spend a lot of time together because we're forced to in the small space, but more importantly, we spend time together because we want to. There is a lot of laughter in our home, and I'm not so sure that our relationships with one another would be as well shaped and intertwined as they are now if we'd of had room to spread out and separate ourselves from one another. No ones pain goes unnoticed and uncomforted because you cannot cry in our home without someone noticing. I know that at the time of the pain, you feel like you just want to be left alone, however, in the end it's the support of loved ones that helps ease things. I know that as my children grow up they will have lots of "remember when..." stories. 

However, through all this reflection, all the things that I've gone through in my ever so short lifetime of 44 years, I have done the most important growing and changing in just the last 4 years. Turning 40 was so hard for me, and I look at it now and see that it wasn't the number itself, more the realization that although I was aging, I wasn't changing, I wasn't growing, I wasn't evolving into anything really. Yes, I was still a mom, still a wife, and other relational things, but through it all I had lost who I was.

So many things happened in such quick succession that it became almost whirlwind like. God entered my life in a way I hadn't let him in years, because of His urging, I began therapy, which cleared away so much unresolved garbage that I began to find my identity again. All the while leaning on God, the support of my family and friends, I have become a person that I am proud to be. I have a better grasp on who I am for me, who I am for my husband, and who I am for my kids. I have a good balance in my life because I'm not searching for anything, I'm not trying to figure out who I am or where I'm supposed to be. I know that ultimately, for me, that all this is possible, because I know who I am in Christ.

How does your reflection look?

I attend an awesome church at which I am blessed to lead a women's bible study every Wednesday morning. We usually do book studies, but have also picked a book within the bible to study as well.  As leader I make the final decision usually in what we study (with the approval of our pastor of course), however, I always ask for in put from the wonderful group of ladies that study with me. We are just finishing a wonderful study called The Pursuit of Holiness, which has been both enlightening and challenging and I for one, have learned much from it.

Having said all that, I must confess that this next choice of study material has me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Spiritual Warfare and taking on demons sends my knees to knocking. I fully believe that there is evil out there and that they are fighting to take people for their "kingdom", just as God is fighting for His Kingdom. Knowing that, I believe that it is our job as Christ followers to be aware of this and do all we can in the name of Jesus to win back those that Satan has over come, but, just how do we do that??

I started reading this book today and am struck by the repetition of the Romans 8:31 "what, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" I must admit, the times I've read this verse and sang the song Our God by Chris Tomlin I've only thought of persecution by people, struggles and hardships that come into our lives, oddly, I've never thought of it in a demonic sense. Yet another reminder that there is just so much that I need to learn, sigh.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a constant journey, and until I reach those pearly gates and get to dance at the feet of Jesus, my journey continues daily.
This book is part of my journey and will be a HUGE learning experience for me, and dare I speak for the other women who will join me, that it will be a learning experience for them as well.

Hello again, I've been so out of touch.  I thought this morning as I felt the need to "write", that I would start yet another blog about me and all that I am, a blog that I could share everything on from how much I love Jesus, to my family, to my creative side.  Then I reread what I've already posted here and decided there was no need. I just needed to make this one my everything blog. I'll still post art stuff to my Note From The Queen blog, but everything else, can fall into my Life Outside the Studio blog.  Well, now that's settled I can get on with life as it is.