Rough day.

Just was going about my day at work and all was just so good. I love my job. I came up from downstairs and around the corner into the front part of the store and there she was. This beautiful, tiny little woman shopping with her granddaughter. What made her different, what made her stand out to me, was the fact that she was bald, and that she was wearing a scarf. That tell tale sign of cancer and chemo treatments. It was like all the air was sucked right out of me. It physically knocked me backwards.
It's not that I haven't seen anyone going through chemo since my mom died. However, today it was too much, I'm just too raw.

There's this "holiday" coming up that seems to be accosting me at every turn. TV ads, facebook ads, spam emails, Pinterest pins, in store ads, radio ads. It's every where!! I cannot escape the fact that a week from tomorrow is Mothers day. Mothers day, like birthday's was never a big to do in our family. However, this year I feel like every where I turn I'm being reminded that I don't have a Mom. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I am a Mom, but I just cannot seem to shake the other sentiment, that I don't have a Mom anymore. I have awesome kids who love me, and I love being a Mom. Yet it's all over shadowed right now by the fact that my Mom is gone, that I don't have a Mom to say Happy Mothers Day to.

So today was not a good day, today was a hard day, an exhausting day, a day of lots and lots of tears. A day when I really, really miss my Mom. A day when I wish I could call her, could hear her voice, could hear her laugh, could hug her. Today is a day that I am painfully aware of the giant mom sized hole in my heart. Yes, I know she is in Glory and I'm so happy for her, however, today I'm missing her, painfully missing her.

Yes, Mothers day is a week from tomorrow, however, hug your mom, talk to your mom, tell her you love her, every day, not just on Mothers Day. I try not to have regrets, try not to live in the wouldda, shouldda, couldda moments, but today I just can't help it, it's looming large.

If you still have your mom, go call her, tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

Happy Birthday Mom

Tomorrow is April 19th, it would have been my Mom's 66th birthday. Our family has never made birthday's a very big deal once our kids get a bit older. Not big on classmate parties, or big sleep overs or anything like that. I think I was in my 30's and my Mom told me I was too old for presents LOL. I just reminded her she was older than me so that must hold true for her as well. So truly for many years acknowledging my Mom's birthday was usually no more than a phone call to wish her happy birthday.

So why then is the fact that tomorrow is her birthday, a day I hardly batted an eye at, beating me up so badly? I've been willing April 18th to go slowly so I don't have to get to that day that I should call her and can't. This whole not having a Mom thing is so strange. It's no secret that Mom and I didn't have the closest relationship, but we loved each other and we understood each other. The last 6 months of her life were, I think, the closest we'd ever been; we were friends finally. Up till then, I'd go weeks sometimes without talking to her. However, I always called her on her birthday.

This too shall pass, as will every other "1st" that we'll go through this first year of not having a Mom. I try to focus on the fact that she's dancing with Jesus. I doubt they actually have birthdays in heaven but I like to imagine that there is a really big celebration for her just the same.

Happy Birthday Mom, I miss you.

Waiting

Our pastor Josh just got done with a sermon series called Seasons. One of those seasons was a season of just "being", of waiting. I didn't think I was there because I had so much else going on, but as things have unfolded the last couple weeks I'm starting to think that's exactly where I am. I remember this place, I've been here before, don't think I like it anymore this time around than I did before. It makes me feel like I don't have a purpose.

No longer identified by a job, no longer identified as a small group leader, no longer identified as a care giver to my mom and so now I'm not real sure where that leaves my identity. I feel like I'm starting all over again and I'm not really sure where the beginning is. I'm trying to be patient and listen for God to tell me and show me whats next, I'm just not very good at that part.

I do know that there is change on the horizon. Possibly a new job, hopefully a new small group and embracing this strange new art I've embarked on that feels just so not me. Trying to get to a place where I can accept my diabetes and the changes it has imposed on my life and move on without all the anger I have about it. Also trying to adjust to not having a mom which I'm starting to realize is going to be harder than I anticipated.

I'm trying to embrace this, to grow and learn in this place, however, I find myself being impatient and restless.   I do have a game plan, which is always good to have. In this place I will continue to find things to be grateful for each day. In this place I will seek God, I will listen for His still small voice. And yes, I will wait, I will "be", I will do my best to dance in the hallway until He opens just the right door, at just the right time when I am ready to walk through it.

Running...Away...Running....To....

There is this thing going on in my life right now where I can't help but wonder why I'm here again. I thought I beat this, yet here it is again. This big, black looming precipice that I'm terrified that if I take my eye off God for just a split second that I'm going to tumble head long into. The idea of clawing my way back out of that darkness is daunting to me. I feel too old, too tired to want to fight that battle again. Yet I look at what's going on in my life right now and I'm not so sure that this is much more fun. Trying to juggle being daughter, mom, wife, and me which is usually not a problem and I do it happily, joyfully, longingly, lovingly. Yet trying to balance that on this thin line between that precipice and this one is becoming challenging.

I'm no dummy, I know where my help comes from, it comes from the Lord, so that is where I focus my attention, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. That is first and foremost. Secondly I've started therapy again to help me make sense of this jumble my life has become suddenly without any warning. Third, I've started exercising regularly, part because of the science of the endorphins, part because my health now requires it.

This weird thing has happened with the whole exercise thing, it's become primal. I have this deep seated desire to run, just run, run, and run and run. No, all you exercise guru's it's not because I like it or I get that high from running. It's because I feel like if I just keep running, just keep going I'll some how get away from that hole. My thighs are screaming at me, my hip joints feel like they're going to crumble, yet all my mind can think of is if I could just run again, maybe when I stop I'll be far enough away that things will be sunny and glorious again.

Please know that I will be okay, I can already feel the edges of hope starting to glimmer in the distance. I wasn't kidding when I said Gratefulness is the road to Joyfulness. Instead of trying to find Joy all on it's own, or scramble for superficial things to fill the darkness with light, I am focusing on Gratefulness. Through that,  there is Hope, there is Joy, there is God.

Through prayer and support, this gap that I'm trying to run away from will start to shrink, and eventually go away. The one thing that is different about this time, is that I feel like I'm learning as I go, that although the darkness looms, I'm learning to maneuver though it to come out the other side of this, stronger, wiser and closer to my God.

God the Artist

For as long as I can remember I have had this need to create. Whether it was the coloring book pages, the collage of Teen-Beat magazine hearth throbs I strategically placed on my bedroom walls, paintings done in art class, doodles, sketches etc. It didn't matter, I felt the most free, the most sense of belonging when I was creating. There was this ethereal sense of other worldliness that happened in those moments. A time where my soul was at is happiest, at it's most content. Not until the last few years have I begun to understand all of this.

As I dive deeper into what it means to be an artist, a Christian artist and discover new things about God that previously I didn't fully understand or realize I am just in awe. Sure you read Genesis and it tells us that God created the heavens and the earth. So what. He needed a place to put us right? But oh man, when you read those chapters with the heart of an artist you begin to realize that it's more than just a place to put us. God has poured out His soul into each thing He created. I think of how I feel when I get an idea for a painting and I set the idea onto canvas and it comes together just as I imagined, the rush of euphoria that happens is unexplainable. To begin to fully grasp that moment when God looked at His creation and saw that it was good, man, what a rush that must've been! That knowing that you have just put together something that is just so good, and so right and so exactly what you've imagined is like nothing else.

I've read the Bible, in it's entirety and some books or passages more than others. One I've read a few times but read begrudgingly and with great annoyance starts in Exodus 36. The fact that God feels it's necessary to tell us all about the Tent of Meeting and all it's specifications and dimensions and how each and every thing that goes in the Tent of Meeting oh my goodness what is the point to all of this? Some people complain about all the begets of the Old Testament, not me, I complain about the Tent of Meeting. Or at least I used to. Did you read the part where God gave certain people the skill and talent to create things out of gold or fabric? God used His people to create something for Him. Wow! How could I have missed that all these years? I just find it fascinating that the one that that has made me the craziest is now the one thing that I find the most amazing.

In my 40 or so years of being a Christian I've failed to see God in the role of an artist. I never made the connection of the word Creator to the word Artist .Sure I understood in my head that He created everything, but some how it never got through to my soul that He created everything. I think I've been so caught up in the awe of who He is and what He has done for me, that I failed to see part of His heart. I've been so busy  trying to understand what He has in store for me and what His will for my life is, that I failed to just get to know who He is.

I just love this journey I am on, how awesome it is to always learn new things about God. However, I just shake my head because I just can't understand how I missed this. Wonder what else I've missed....

New journey!

Years ago when I started this adventure into Mixed Media I longed for other artists that did what I did. Or at the very least understood what I did or the at the very least the reasons I did what I do. I still long for that! I do have a few artist friends that get the process, however, up until recently no one quite understood the connection between my art and the Holy Spirit. They'd all nod and smile and say reaffirming things, but no one who actually experienced the same thing.

Some time ago I thought how awesome it would be to have an artists small group/Bible study, but like there's really a curriculum for that kind of thing right?? Besides, I'm busy leading the Wednesday morning women's Bible study, which I love! I can't possibly lead 2. So the idea got filed in the back of my "maybe someday" drawer in my brain.

One day I bought a book called Praying in Color off Amazon, and Amazon is a most awesome place that recommends things to you based on previous purchases. Lo and behold there was a huge selection of books about Christian artists and creating with the Holy Spirit and books about people who "got it". I think I cried!! I was excited about this, however, still not feeling that I could do anything with it other than read the books because I was still so in love with my Wednesday morning I just couldn't imagine that I'd do anything else.

After reading one of the books I just couldn't ignore the nudging I was getting from the Holy Spirit that I was supposed to move ahead with this dream of mine to have an artists small group. So many little treasures from God pointing me in that direction, and every time I'd take a step in that direction He would give me signs of affirmation that I was going the right way. I could no longer leave this in the "maybe someday" drawer because someday is quickly turning into a reality.

December 18th will be the last day that I lead the Wednesday morning ladies. This is bittersweet because that is something that I have loved and looked forward to each week. I pray fervently for each of them to find a new small group, a new group of ladies to build relationships with and to do life with. I'm so grateful that most of them I see weekly and talk to often so that we are still part of each others lives. They have been such a big part of my journey and my growth and I've learned so much from each one of them. I will miss our Wednesday mornings.

Now although I know I'm going in the right direction, God has been sort of secretive about how this all plays out. I keep asking for things to be revealed as far as what this new small group looks like, how it functions, who will come etc., but God just keeps telling me to wait, so I wait. I wait and I pray and I read. The waiting however, has not diminished my excitement though. Knowing that I'm headed in a direction that God wants me to go is exhilarating!!

Stay tuned!!

Overcoming

2013 hasn't exactly been a banner year for the Giffords. It's been riddled with loss and sickness and disease. With all that we've endured I believe that if it weren't for the hope we have in Jesus Christ that we would be devastated, discouraged and depressed. Instead of looking through the lens of all the bad things, we see things through the eyes of Christ and how He works all things for the good of those that love Him, and how His glory shines through even the difficult times. My heart aches for those that go through life without the hope that a relationship with Jesus holds.

Mandisa has come out with a song that truly speaks to my heart and it's a great reminder of who we are in Christ. Here's a link to the video, if you've never heard it or seen the video, I encourage you to do so.