What I learned

So I'm about done with therapy this time around. I'm feeling much better, much more clear headed, processing things much easier. Took a little longer than I expected, but it is what it is.

Each time I muddle through this I always come out on the other side, stronger and wiser than I was going in. I know that each trial I go through is an opportunity for God to teach me something, to stretch me and help me grow. I'm never happy going into it, but when I finally step out of it I can see God's finger print through it all and it's glorious.

This time around has been no different. I learned things about myself that I didn't realize I did. For example, I have what my therapist calls "floating anxiety". Not sure if that's a true psychological term but that's what he called it. When things are going well, it freaks me out a bit, like it can't possibly really all be "that" good so my mind races for something to be anxious about. This time around I had lots to choose from. I have learned to identify that it happens, so will now be more aware of it when I start to do that and will hopefully be able to head it off before I fixate on something that doesn't need to be fixated on. God says "be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Phil4:6-7). This is something that I must, without fail, go to instead of the anxiety.

Mostly though, what I learned is that I am not in control and that's okay. The success or failure of whatever it is I am involved in does not rest solely on my shoulders. Even if it's something I'm leading or "in charge" of. Ultimately God is in control and all He asks of me is that I do my best and do things according to His will, He will take care of the rest. I need to pray, and I need to listen.

I've also learned that failure is not a bad thing. You would think I'd have figured this out by now considering I am an artist and experience that regularly. However, in the studio, I can just gesso over it and start something new. As you may have noticed, this blog is called Life OUTSIDE the Studio, you can't just gesso over life. However, there will be failures in life and I can learn from them.

I have also learned that when I do fail at something, people will still like me. My character is not determined by what I succeed or fail at but how I handle myself in both situations. Something my therapist is always quick to do is point out how I react to people and situations. Do I no longer like someone because they didn't succeed at something? Of course not! So why should I assume that people will have that reaction towards me in the same situation? People offer grace and understanding and more often than not are willing to stand beside you and help hold you up through your failures and encourage you to try again and be there to celebrate with you when you succeed.

In closing I would just like to add a small PSA: therapy is not a bad thing, it's a healthy thing. It doesn't mean you're crazy or out of control. It means you are seeking council in how to be a better person, it allows you to process your thoughts and emotions in a safe way.  Choose your therapist carefully and find one that speaks truth.. The therapist I see, is a Christian, however, he is not a Christian therapist, I know this because I asked him before I saw him the first time. It's okay to ask questions before you make your choice and it's okay to move on to a different one if the one you choose to see isn't working out like you thought. I have been through 3 others before I found this one.

 If you have any questions about therapy please don't hesitate to ask, as you can see, I don't mind sharing.

Hearing from God

So yesterday was another banner day in therapy. I have this love hate relationship with break thrus because on one hand it tells me part of what my issues are and I can then move forward and fix and heal those things. On the other hand it shows me where I'm vulnerable and broken. Often times these break thrus are things that I wasn't even aware of that I was doing or feeling or being.

Most the time my therapist just annoys me and makes me angry. Asks me all kinds of stupid things, says blatant, obvious things that in and of themselves are not bad, it's just the way he says them. Of course I know that if I fail at something the world is not going to come to an end. I know that this is his way of making me see how irrational I'm being though. It is these things he says though that make me think and make me process and I'm certain that's his reason for doing such things. If ever I leave a session with him and I'm not a little irritated with him I think it was a wasted session. Nothing gets your head spinning more than being angry with someone. It's been proven that if you have a conversation with someone that is less than friendly you can usually repeat word for word what the conversation was. However if you have a nice conversation with someone most the time you can remember bits and pieces or a general feeling but not exact words. I believe that by leaving there a little annoyed I'm able to then reprocess all we talked about and sort through everything.

Yesterday we discovered that I am fearful. Really?? How can that be? The Bible tells me that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self-control. I don't feel afraid. We're not talking big bugs in Costa Rica kind of fear, that fear is totally rational, have you SEEN the size of those bugs?? This is a deep seated, fear of failure kind of thing. Not only the what if I fail kind of thing but the what will people think of me if I fail. The things that God is asking me to do aren't things that only happen in my studio so if I fail no one sees. No, these are BIG things, things that everyone is going to see. In going through my life's events I don't think I've ever put myself out there to do something that I thought I might fail at. I've always thought that for the most part I've been pretty secure in who I am and what I can do. Then God happens.

God asks me to do these things that I'm not so secure in. He asks me to step out in faith and do things I feel like I'm going to fail at. I know that He asks me these things because I need to trust in Him and know that He will make them not fail. They were His ideas in the first place.

So okay. Last night, I crawl into bed and decide I feel like reading, but not my Ted Dekker book, something else, but what?? So I pick up an art book that I'd been reading but haven't touched in a couple months called An Army Uprising by Christ John Otto. I pick it up and start where I left off. It's the story of Gideon, the part of the story where God tells Gideon to send home all of those that are afraid and 2/3 of his army just leaves. Then they go down to the river to drink and God tells him to send home all of those that kneel down to drink from it. That leaves Gideon with 300 soldiers to fight this battle. Can you just imagine how ridiculous Gideon must think this is?? Then in the book, the author says this:

     "Maybe there was more here. Maybe these 300 men were fearless because they were not
       afraid of what others thought of them. Maybe they were the kind of men who knew who
       they were, maybe they stood up because they were always prepared. Maybe they were
       free of the spirit of slavery. Maybe they were the kind of men who were willing to do
       anything no matter how strange or odd. Maybe they were the kind of people that God 
       could actually use because they had gotten over their hang-ups"

Whoa! Did you read what just happened there? Here I am, trying to process the notion that right now my biggest hang-up is that I am afraid of what people will think of me if I fail, and I believe that it was God who told me to pick up this book to read and right there in black and white the author says that. Now, I don't know if that's why God chose those men, we may never know. However, I believe that God needed me to read that. So of course I'm sucked into this book now because I'm certain that God has other things He wants to tell me, so I read on. Then the author says this:

     "Gideon had to make a choice to believe what God was saying about him. For we, who
       are called to the front line need to make a decision. Will we embrace the thing that is
       in us? Will we embrace the call to the creative life, whatever form that may take? This 
       is a dangerous choice to make, it will require sacrifice, change, and may also impact 
       the lives of others." 

Oh man, this book is speaking right to my heart. Right to the things that have been revealed to me that I am struggling with. I tell ya I was just about to jump right out of my skin. Jerry was in bed next to me sound asleep and it took great restraint not to wake him up and tell him about all of this.

Finally the end of the chapter closes in a prayer that is a prayer that I am now praying:

     "Abba Father, thank you for the call to join the army of artists in this moment in time. I
       have not understood all that you have for me, and have been frustrated at times because
       I could not walk into my destiny. I ask you to encounter me, to name me, and shape me.
       As I embrace your call on my life for this moment, I surrender to your plan. I say 'let it
       be me according to your word.' May I be part of the story that you are writing. All this
       I pray in the name of Jesus Christ the Living Word, Amen."

So today I am processing and reading and thinking and praying. God remove this spirit of fear from me, it has no place in me for You are in me.

Costa Rica update

 So, these are the walls. The walls that the powers that be at Hogar De Vida, the orphanage in Costa Rica that I'll be going to in February, have decided we should paint. Yeah, a little intimidating for sure!!

You know how you have thoughts in your head about how things should be? Well, this is nothing like anything that was in my head!!!

I do have to say that there will be a team coming in January from another church that will prime them for us, so they will be white. That I can visualize for sure. However, the enormity of their sheer size. My goodness!!! Each panel is at least

6ft x 6ft!!. The one really large one, they have opinions about what we should do on it. Oh boy, opinions equal expectations. God what have you gotten me into???

One thing is for sure, God is stretching me this season. I feel like this is a lesson is trusting Him. At this point, I feel like I truly have no other option. I do not know what to do with these walls. All I can do is trust that He will guide us. I have an amazing team and they all have creative minds and I have no doubt that they will have ideas I have not dreamed of and that God has had control of.

We have begun our meetings as a team, which just makes this all so real. This is really going to happen. I'm trying to really lean into the excitement of the other team members and just really glean and learn from each of them. Especially those that have been there before, that are already familiar with the wonder that is Hogar de Vida.

A little bit about this place we're going; Hogar de Vida means, Home of Light. It is located in Atenas Costa Rica.  There are roughly 30 children from infants to about 6th grade that call this place home. They've been taken from homes that were anything but light. Here at Hogar de Vida, they receive shelter, education, nutrition and most of all love. This is a place they encounter Christ and His love. I find it just amazing that there are people that are able and willing to take these children in. That seems like such a huge daunting task to me. My heart would shatter into a million pieces for each child every time. How do you work past that? I'm so grateful that God has put people like Tim and Dena in the position and the calling to do this and for all the people that work there day in and day out loving on these children.

I guess also, since I have your attention I should mention that this trip will cost about $1500.00. I fully trust that since this was God's idea He'll make sure that I raise that amount of money. However, I do have to do my part and ask for the support. I must stress though that it's not just the monetary support I so very much need but also the support of your prayers for myself and our whole team.

Anyways, if you do want to donate, you can always send a check to:

Lakeland Community Church
N3181 Hwy 67
Lake Geneva Wi 53147

Please just put "Costa Rica" in the memo of the check  but not my name anywhere on the check.

Or of course in this age of fabulous technology you can always donate online using THIS link, there will be a place to put my name in.

Of course all donations are tax deductible, just let me know and I'll be sure to get you a tax form if you let me know.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this leaning experience. I believe that in this, God is going to reveal Himself in little pieces, layer by layer and if I'm not trusting in Him and paying attention I might miss something. You can bet that I am hyper-focused on Him right now. I don't want to miss a thing!!

the little things

If you know me at all, you know I love my husband. There are not words in my vocabulary to accurately describe how much I love my husband.

There is just something so incredible about our marriage and if you would've talked to me about what I thought marriage would be like before I was married, our marriage is NOT what I would've described. This is totally not what I had in mind. I don't think my mind could've fathomed something quite so wonderful.

Just a little background on us; we met in school, begun dating in our senior year. I am not shy now, nor was I then. We hung out with the same group of friends but weren't exactly friends ourselves. However, one day I just plopped myself down on his lap. He didn't say so then, but I later learned he didn't really think that was okay. LOL. I'm so glad I did it!

We dated for a little over 5 years before getting married in May of 1991. It snowed on our wedding day. Thank you midwest weather for forever keeping us on our toes. It was lovely and full of residual effects from the 80's, big hair, poofy shoulders on my wedding dress, the whole 9 yards, well, minus any fluorescent colors thank goodness.

We have been married now about 23.5 years and it's been good. I let you in a little secret, we don't fight. We never have. So you may say, oh well that's not healthy, you need to do that. I think we would if we ever had anything to fight about but we don't. One thing we do really well is communication. We talk, we share and we compromise and we are respectful of one another.

I'd love to tell you our marriage is so awesome because we've always put God first. We haven't. We've always believed in God, but up until about 7 years ago He wasn't really part of our marriage. I can tell you though that since God has become the center of our lives, our marriage is even better, everything is better.

If I had one thing to share to other married couples it would be to do the little things. The little things that don't really seem like a big deal to you, but to your spouse can mean the world.

For example, Jerry always goes to bed way before I do, almost always asleep before I get into bed. However every night when I go to get into bed, he's fluffed my pillows for me. It's not really a big deal, I mean it takes nothing to fluff my own pillows. Yet he knows it's something I like to do before I get into bed so he does it for me. That little gesture just means so much and shows me that he loves me.

In our house we take medicine, some of us more than others, because of this we have those daily pill containers. I fill his up every time I fill my own. It's not really a big deal, but I know he appreciates it and I'm happy to do it because it makes him happy. It takes me literally 5 minutes to do it.

Something we've been intentionally doing lately is leaving each other little unexpected love notes. They're not long lengthy mushy gushy things, just a couple sentences here and there tucked in places you don't expect to find them. I LOVE this.

So what "little thing" can you do for your spouse today?

Letter to Mom

There are those times when I think, oh, I need to tell Mom....and then I remember she's not here to tell that too. This is not one of those times. I am ever so painfully aware that she is not here for me to tell her. There's so much I want to tell her. Yeah, yeah, I know, she knows, I can talk to her anyways, blah blah blah, it's not the same and anyone whose lost someone close knows that. I can't see her excitement or hear her laughter. I can't hug her, it's not tangible

Sometimes I'm afraid I look like a hypocrite because until she got sick I didn't have the greatest relationship with her. That 6 months healed a life time of hurts and disappointments. That's the Mom I want to tell things too.

I want to tell her about Costa Rica, I'm not so sure she'd care much about that, but it's kind of a big thing right now in my life and she'd care about that and she'd want to hear about it when I got home.

However, mostly, it's Kellie's wedding. The one thing I remember so clearly the day they told us she wasn't going to get better, the day the doctor said she had cancer and it was incurable, I remember thinking, she'll never see my daughters get married. Now here I am faced with just that. Oh, she would have been so excited! I just know that my phone would have rang often with her wanting to know the plans and share ideas. I'm sure it would have annoyed me at some point, but I'd welcome that now. In talking with my Dad the other day he said she talked about that, how she wished she'd be able to be here for that. This one will be hard because it's the first one, but, I don't imagine the others will be much easier. She loved all her grandkids so much. She would've had joy in this.

I have twinges of frustration with God for taking her so she couldn't be here for this, but I wouldn't want to lose the gifts He gave during her illness and death. We all grew so much in that time. Wounds healed, love was shared, and there was joy in the sorrow. I want to imagine that she's up in heaven watching but the joy of this would pale in comparison to the joy of praising her heavenly Father. I don't want to imagine taking that away from her.

I do so miss her.

My Journey to Costa Rica

As I mentioned in my last post, this missions trip in February to Costa Rica is a bit of a stretch for me. However, God in His awesomeness prevails and I am stepping forward in obedience to His calling.

This trip is taking up a lot of head space I'm finding and we haven't even had our first planning meeting. I don't even have a full team yet. Of course that might be part of the head space problem as I pray through and try to invite and encourage the people that I feel God calling me to ask to come along on this adventure.

Some of the "big picture" stuff is mostly ironed out and since I'm a "big picture" person, I have some peace in that. No longer am I concerned as to where and how the paint for this endeavor is going to come from. God graciously has set people in place for that. I love how when I surrender it and just let Him handle it He sets things in my lap so nicely as if to say "finally Lisa". You would think that with all my experience with trying to control things and how well that doesn't work I'd learn to give it up sooner, but I just can't seem to get that through my head. Also, how silly of me to stress about it in the first place because as my sweet friend Naomi reminded me, God isn't going to call me to go paint murals and then not provide the paint for which to do it with. Thankfully I'm not much of a details person because I've have a sneaking suspicion that none of those are going to go as planned anyways. LOL

As I've been trying to process through all of this I've been really seeking and calling out to God to help me sort through all these emotions. I've been spending a lot of time in my art studio which is a place that I find His presence to be so overwhelming. Often times I just soak in Him while I'm down there and it's beautiful. I've been asking for a heart of desire for this trip, and again my sweet friend Naomi keeps telling me I'm excited for it I just don't want to say it out loud, I'm not so sure about that. I have however, through all this seeking and searching and learning, come to discover that although I may not be excited to go to Costa Rica with all the bugs, I am truly excited to see what God has to show me through this entire process and specifically while I'm there. This is the perspective that I can completely wrap my head around. God's blessings are abundant and lovely and how could you not want what He has in store for you?

I had coffee with another sweet friend (I'm blessed with a lot of those :)) Noelle, who just returned from her trip there. I asked her what she thought of it and she gave the most beautiful description of it and it has been comforting my heart ever since. She told me that it's like "a blanket of God just lays over you". What an amazing word picture that is! I just can't get that idea out of my head, it's such a glorious description and I'm anxious to experience that for myself.

I've kind of decided to blog through this journey here, partly in the hopes to clear out some of that head space, but also to share this journey with those of you that care to join me. I hope you'll read and learn and enjoy right along with me.

I'm going to Costa Rica

Would you just look at that??!!! In my humble opinion there is no reason on this earth to have bugs that size!!! It's not okay AT ALL!!!! Where can you find a bug of that size you ask, well Costa Rica of course. So why would someone who is deathly afraid of bugs larger than a dime that cannot be stepped on without making a disgusting, horrible noise, who cries at even the thought of having to be in a country that these things live, be going to Costa Rica?  Well, because God thinks it would be a splendid idea, that's why. I on the other hand am not so sure about that. So here's the story of how I came to the conclusion that bugs or no bugs, I'm going.

I remember well the Sunday that Pastor Josh introduced us to the the orphanage Hogar De Vida through a video he showed at church. I thought, oh my goodness what an amazing place to go and serve and make a difference and love on those sweet children. Then it happened....the part of the video that showed a tarantula crawling out of a hole in a wall. Nope, not going to serve and make a difference and love on sweet children. This was CLEARLY not a place for me, this was a place for OTHER people to go to. I would happily pray and support them from the good ol US of A.

We've sent several teams over there since the showing of that video and without fail many have returned glowing and changed and swearing they never saw bugs and telling me I should go. However, just cause you didn't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there.

So fast forward to last year when my husband faced his Nineveh and went to Costa Rica. He came home with this "thing"about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on but was so very jealous for. So I asked him about the bugs, because of course he wouldn't lie to me, and he didn't. He shared a story of a very large spider that was in the bathroom. The bathroom of all places, you can't NOT use the bathroom. So however jealous for that "thing"he had, I was given pause by the whole giant spider thing.

Well, this past spring we sent another team, a team of guys to do tech stuff, some I'd call friends, others I'd call acquaintances. When they returned every single one of them in a span of about 3 weeks came to me and told me I needed to go there and paint murals. HA!! Yeah right, I've never painted a mural in my life, and lets not forget the bugs of extraordinary size that live there. Move along!!

Enter God....a God who is relentless, who doesn't give up when He has something He wants you to do, something He wants you to experience, something that is part of your path. Oh I wrestled with Him, I told Him NO, I cried at Him, I begged Him even, and God in His greatness wouldn't budge. Costa Rica was every where I turned, I'd wake up in the morning and it'd be in my head, I'd go to bed at night and dream about painting murals in Costa Rica. I'd go to the store and Costa Rican products would beat me about the head. It wouldn't go away!!! So finally, I gave in, I told God I would go. However, I thought, the next trip I could go on wouldn't be until next summer and possibly He would forget or I could bargain my way out of it by then. I also falsely believed that my agreement to go would mean the end of the daily beatings of Costa Rica. That was not the case!

Shortly after I agreed, God began to strongly press it upon my heart that I needed to tell Pastor Josh about this idea of God's. I thought how silly, it's a year away!! His wife is getting ready to leave on the most recent trip to Costa Rica and he's about to embark on 10 days or so of being a single dad. Why on earth does he need to know this now, it can wait. However, come that Sunday in church I felt if I didn't go tell Josh I needed to talk that I was going to burst, literally! Josh indulged me and we set up a meeting for Monday.

So we sit down and the first words out of my mouth were, "I'm supposed to go to Costa Rica", to which Josh replied "What?? This was what was so important you had to meet me now? That's a year away!!". So then I began to fill him in on God's ideas and suddenly the reason for the urgency became apparent as we discussed. Many plans to make but mostly the need to go during dry season, which is NOT in the summer, it's in the winter, which will be upon us before we know it. The time to announce this and move forward with it is now.

So many have asked and I have asked myself, is my fear of bugs REALLY that extreme that I would not want to experience this. I'm not gonna lie, that's huge, just like the bugs, however, as I've prayed and sorted through all these emotions I'm dealing with I've come to discover that it's much more than just big bugs.

There are a lot of things that give me pause, I'm not afraid to fly, it's just not my favorite, and that's a lot of flying. I also remember how difficult it was for me to be away from Jerry when he was gone, so that of course gives me pause. However,  in my searching, I have come to discover what truly is my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is the changes and growing and learning that God is about to spew all over my life that scares me the most. My life is good, I am happy, joyful even. I know from past experiences that when God decides I need to learn and grow, my life gets messy and complicated. I don't like messy and complicated. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that when all is said and done and the dust settles I will be much better for it all, it's just the getting there that makes me weak in the knees.

So with a heart of obedience that I'm praying desperately to become a heart of desire, at the end of February I will board a plane to Costa Rica. I want to apologize in advance to the team that joins me, I will cry and I will probably cry a lot...daily. One thing I do know with great certainty, that God has brought me to this, He will see me through this and when I come home, I too will have that "thing"


P.S. prayers and donations greatly appreciated :)