Here we go...

Ain't technology grand!! I've been dreading these next few days popping up on my Timehop App, but here it is.

This is the start to the last full day my Mom was able to carry on a full coherent conversation. This was the day that the whispers that we were at the end invaded my brain. This was the day that my Mom said she wasn't afraid to die because she knew where she was going.

This was also a day of great laughter, of amazing family time. A time of healing of relationships that were bent and warped and twisted. This was a day of many prayers, and many praises.

I don't anticipate today, or the next couple days to be easy or tear free, there's just too many memories of these days last year that are too fresh, too real, not quite fully healed, however, these are memories that I never want to loose. I want to always remember these last few days with my Mom. They're too precious, too important.

So in the next couple days, if you should think of me, I would covet your prayers as we push past this final "first". I'm so grateful for a God whose love is bigger than any of our pain, I will cling to that always.

Learn to Dance in the Rain

So this is a snippet of a new painting I'm working on, not done yet, but it's been a painting that God has been talking me through. I love it when He does that.

When He gave me the idea for it I was listening to my Praise and Worship playlist on my iPod. Seems there are a lot of songs the reference "rain" in one way or another. All of them seemed to strike me to the core.

When I think about rain in reference to God I envision so much. His love raining down on me, His grace and mercy just soaking and drenching me. The joy of the heavens just spilling out all over me. All of these things I find to be healing, calming,soothing and cleansing.

When I think of the last 12 months, I've needed a lot of all of those healing things. January 21st marks the anniversary of the day my Mom went home. Lots of sadness and tears and moments, yet each time God covered me, He rained down on me one way or another.

There is so much Joy in all of that, all of those mental pictures, how could you not dance in it?? So that's what the quote on this says to me, however, in the secular world, or to others it could mean something else, all good things though.

Another thing that God spoke to me in this is how I've been neglecting my time in the word with Him. For many years I've used Bible pages in my art work. This is something that I feel that I have God's blessing in doing, He's not told me that it grieves Him in any way and I do it very respectfully and with great purpose. However, in doing this painting in which I've made the rain drops from Bible pages,(the Gospel of Matthew to be exact because I felt that it was the Good News of the Gospel that needed to be raining down,) God said to me "you'll use my Word in your artwork but you won't spend time reading it?".

Guess I need to take the time to refocus and get back on track. God never lets me down, yet so often I feel as though I've failed Him. I'm so grateful that He only sees me through the cleansing blood of Jesus.


Some Praise songs that mention rain, I'm certain there are many others:

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me
Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew
Let it Rain by Jesus Culture
Rain Down by Delirious?
Healing Rain by Michael W. Smith
Sing in the Rain by Moriah Peters

Changes

What a year this has been. So much is so different. 3 of my 5 children have moved out. I have a new job. Started a new small group. Knee surgery and now I can't run. My mom is gone. My house stays cleaner. We use less toilet paper.

It's midnight on the eve of Christmas eve. We do Christmas with our children on Christmas eve morning. A tradition we started when they were little because Christmas morning was spent at the in-laws. That has since been changed as kids got older and had families of their own, my in-laws got older, yet we still do Christmas eve morning here with the kids. However, even that has changed, instead of giggly little kids who can hardly wait crawling out of bed before the sun rises to dig through stockings and tear open presents, we're starting at 10:00am so that the ones that no longer live here can get her without having to get up too early. It's not longer just our family, now there are boyfriends to add to the mix as well.

As I sit here listening to Christmas music and gazing at the tree I'm so aware of all the changes. Not bad changes necessarily just different. A new stage in our life is blossoming as we move forward. Things are shifting from having to worry about and parent our children to worrying differently about them and the parenting has turned into advice or words of encouragement, wisdom. Watching them grow and experience new firsts, it's almost like when they were toddlers again. So much joy in watching them work through their struggles on their own. Watching them experience new joys of living on their own and seeing them learn the skills it takes to be a grown up in this, sometimes not so nice world we live in. I am so proud each time one of them makes it through a struggle on their own. I know sometimes it's not easy and asking Mom and Dad for help would be an easy thing to do, yet they don't. Maybe, just maybe we've done something right. I hang onto those little glimpses that we didn't screw them up too bad.

I have high hopes for 2015, not quite sure what it will bring, but I'm hoping less pain and sorrow than 2014 carried with it. I know that the start of it will be amazing with my trip to Costa Rica, towards the end of it, in September, will be amazing as well with Kellie's wedding. It's the middle that will be full of surprises. I hope joyous surprises.

Each year I try to have a motto or a focus to work through. 2014 was my year of moving forward. I think I did okay with it and did my best not to sit in my sorrow, or discouragement. I said yes to things that felt like it was a step in the right direction and no to the things that weren't. I haven't completely figured out what my focus for 2015 will be, but I'm leaning towards a year of good health. My knee surgery this summer has thrown a wrench in how I was taking care of myself. I need to refocus, find something that works for me and get back on track controlling my diabetes properly. However, it's not January yet, so something may come along that feels more right.

Changes aren't bad, they're different, it's all in your perspective, and if I've learned anything from my Mom's illness and ultimate passing, it's finding God's perspective is what makes it sweet. God's perspective is always right, always perfect and never failing.

A Shift in Perspective

If you've talked to me about Christmas anytime in the last several years the words "I hate Christmas" have most likely come out of my mouth. Truly, the stress of not having enough money, not finding the "right" gift. The schedules of it all, the constant running. What is there to enjoy in all of that? In my mind, not a darn thing! For me, the ideal holiday is Thanksgiving, simply family and friends coming together to share a meal and time with one another. Why can't Christmas be like that?

So fast forward to today. I have been trying to force myself into the mood for all of this nonsense by watching movies, browsing Pinterest for ideas and considering listening to Christmas music. Today I was in my studio, browsing the Pandora Christmas stations, trying to find one that wouldn't send me over the edge. Finally I gave up and all alone in my studio I said, "I hate Christmas". Oh boy!

Now, I know God is with me everywhere I am, not just in my studio, however, as I've shared before there is a difference in my studio, God meets me there. It's like when I open that door He's sitting there at my easel just waiting for me. It's almost as if there is this tangible, reach out and touch, have a conversation with, feeling of God there. Yes I know He's not a "feeling", but I'm not quite sure how else to put it into words. So even though I've said those 3 words before, this time when I said it, it was like God smacked me upside the head. I suddenly had this vision in my head of a painting of Jesus in the manger. I dismissed it cause, well, that's just not what I do, I don't do Christmas art. Why would I? Remember, Christmas is not my favorite. However, it wouldn't go away, the idea just kept growing...what would the background look like? How would I incorporate my love of mixed media into it so it wasn't just all painting? Does he have a face? Can you see it? So finally I sat down at my easel and said out loud, "Okay, fine, I'll do a manger". Without warning the emotion that flooded over me was so intense I began to sob. I began to understand what this was all about.

Much like my last post when God helped me realize how my words about Costa Rica grieve Him, He shared with me how it made Him feel when I said these things as well. Now, I know, Jesus most likely wasn't born on December 25th, however that is when we celebrate it. What was I saying to people when I said "I hate Christmas"? In essence I was telling people I hated the celebration of the birth of my Savior. He brought to mind something a co-worker who isn't a Believer said to me on Saturday when I said those 3 word. She said "how can you hate Christmas, aren't you a Christian?". Ouch! It didn't hurt then, but now that God has adjusted my perspective to His it sure does.

So okay, I can still hate the money stress and commercialism of it all, because that has nothing to do with my Savior's birth. I just need to shift my perspective of Christmas, to coin the phrase if you will, Jesus truly is the reason for the season. I need to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts when I think of Christmas. Christmas is is the celebration of Jesus, coming to this earth because He loves us all so much He was willing to die for us.

 I love my Savior, and I love Christmas.

Aligning my heart.

So, today is Sunday. I love Sundays! It's my favorite day of the week. I get to go to church and see and chat with some of my most favorite people. I get to sing and worship my God with all of them and I get to hear a wonderful message from our pastor. Sunday's are good for my heart.

However, since agreeing to go to Costa Rica along with all those other emotions is the emotion of dread, okay, maybe dread isn't the right word, but there is certainly this feeling of "unpeace". You see, every Sunday at 3:30 there is a Costa Rica team meeting. I love every person on our team. God has aligned such a great group of people to take this journey with me. However, every Sunday, when I remember that I have that meeting, I go through this thing in my head where I try to imagine a scenario where I can talk my way out of going. Not just the meeting, but Costa Rica all together. Then I remember that I'm doing this out of obedience to God's will for my life and I begrudgingly swallow it all and just move on. This is my normal Sunday routine as of late.

However, something shifted this morning. While I was going through my "get out of Costa Rica" bargaining,  God said to me "Lisa, it grieves me when you do this". Sigh. I wish I had the ability to say so much with so few words. At that moment I knew that each time I try to imagine getting out of it, or express my desire not to go, I'm telling God that what He has in store for me isn't good enough, that I'm not trusting Him to know what is best for me. It's like He's giving me this wonderful gift, this blessing and although I've taken it, I'm not appreciating it, I'm ridiculing not only the gift, but the Gift Giver as well. It is a slap in the face to Him. Shame on me!

Of course, me being the selfish, fleshly person that I am, I cannot see past what I want, what my plans are, what my ideas and fears and insecurities are. All I'm focused on is how uncomfortable I perceive that all of this will make me, and I can only see it from my perspective. Nearly boasting that I'm doing this out of obedience, almost like I'm asking people to pat me on the back for being the "good Christian". In all of this I've forgotten that God's plans are perfect, that I should be grateful for all that He has in store for me. That I should accept each direction, each gift with bated breath and anxious for what each moment entails. That my heart shouldn't be over flowing with dread or woe because it's not what I want, but it should be bursting with anticipation and excitement for what God wants to show me. I should be out of my skin that God has put this in my lap and has equipped me each step along the way and I should be marveled at His awesomeness. I should be feeling blessed that He's chosen me to be His hands and feet and to be His vessel in which to bring light and color to Hogar de Vida. I should also have an open heart, anxious for all the wonder, and the joy and the blessings that He has in store for me through all of this. Oh how could I be so foolish?

I also believe that this does not simply encompass Hogar de Vida, but everything that He's gifted me with. There are things that I know I don't embrace all that He has intended for me because it's not what I want, or it's not an easy thing. There are things in my life that I have been shown repeatedly that are part of who God has made me to be, yet, some times they're not easy things, they require work and dedication and a willingness to do what He asks me to do. The easy way out, the selfish way, is to dismiss those things, to complain about those things and to do my very best not to do those things. Today's scolding, if you will, was quite the wake up call in several areas of my life. If I'm not willing to step up and joyfully, willingly, embrace His will for my life, not only am I missing out on all that He has planned for me, I am also not having the Kingdom impact that I should be, or that I am capable of because I have chosen not to be who He's designed me to be.

1 Corintians 12:27 states that we are the body of Christ and each one of us is a part of it. I think not only do we have to accept our role in that body of Christ, we have to live it to it's fullness. If I am say, the hand on this body and I accept that I'm the hand, yet live my life broken or say, asleep, not functioning to my fullest, then is this hand truly any good to the body? If it doesn't function the way it should or just hangs there limp then it is virtually useless. I think God has shown me that I have to do more than just be part of the body, I have to function in His good and perfect will, with a joyful, expectant heart, not just out of obedience.

One thing is for sure, He never, ever stops teaching me, forever, growing me, molding me, shaping me, painting me to be the picture He has in mind. I'm so grateful for His perfect grace and mercy because it's something I am so repeatedly in need of.

God is good, all the time, all the time, God is good.

What I learned

So I'm about done with therapy this time around. I'm feeling much better, much more clear headed, processing things much easier. Took a little longer than I expected, but it is what it is.

Each time I muddle through this I always come out on the other side, stronger and wiser than I was going in. I know that each trial I go through is an opportunity for God to teach me something, to stretch me and help me grow. I'm never happy going into it, but when I finally step out of it I can see God's finger print through it all and it's glorious.

This time around has been no different. I learned things about myself that I didn't realize I did. For example, I have what my therapist calls "floating anxiety". Not sure if that's a true psychological term but that's what he called it. When things are going well, it freaks me out a bit, like it can't possibly really all be "that" good so my mind races for something to be anxious about. This time around I had lots to choose from. I have learned to identify that it happens, so will now be more aware of it when I start to do that and will hopefully be able to head it off before I fixate on something that doesn't need to be fixated on. God says "be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Phil4:6-7). This is something that I must, without fail, go to instead of the anxiety.

Mostly though, what I learned is that I am not in control and that's okay. The success or failure of whatever it is I am involved in does not rest solely on my shoulders. Even if it's something I'm leading or "in charge" of. Ultimately God is in control and all He asks of me is that I do my best and do things according to His will, He will take care of the rest. I need to pray, and I need to listen.

I've also learned that failure is not a bad thing. You would think I'd have figured this out by now considering I am an artist and experience that regularly. However, in the studio, I can just gesso over it and start something new. As you may have noticed, this blog is called Life OUTSIDE the Studio, you can't just gesso over life. However, there will be failures in life and I can learn from them.

I have also learned that when I do fail at something, people will still like me. My character is not determined by what I succeed or fail at but how I handle myself in both situations. Something my therapist is always quick to do is point out how I react to people and situations. Do I no longer like someone because they didn't succeed at something? Of course not! So why should I assume that people will have that reaction towards me in the same situation? People offer grace and understanding and more often than not are willing to stand beside you and help hold you up through your failures and encourage you to try again and be there to celebrate with you when you succeed.

In closing I would just like to add a small PSA: therapy is not a bad thing, it's a healthy thing. It doesn't mean you're crazy or out of control. It means you are seeking council in how to be a better person, it allows you to process your thoughts and emotions in a safe way.  Choose your therapist carefully and find one that speaks truth.. The therapist I see, is a Christian, however, he is not a Christian therapist, I know this because I asked him before I saw him the first time. It's okay to ask questions before you make your choice and it's okay to move on to a different one if the one you choose to see isn't working out like you thought. I have been through 3 others before I found this one.

 If you have any questions about therapy please don't hesitate to ask, as you can see, I don't mind sharing.

Hearing from God

So yesterday was another banner day in therapy. I have this love hate relationship with break thrus because on one hand it tells me part of what my issues are and I can then move forward and fix and heal those things. On the other hand it shows me where I'm vulnerable and broken. Often times these break thrus are things that I wasn't even aware of that I was doing or feeling or being.

Most the time my therapist just annoys me and makes me angry. Asks me all kinds of stupid things, says blatant, obvious things that in and of themselves are not bad, it's just the way he says them. Of course I know that if I fail at something the world is not going to come to an end. I know that this is his way of making me see how irrational I'm being though. It is these things he says though that make me think and make me process and I'm certain that's his reason for doing such things. If ever I leave a session with him and I'm not a little irritated with him I think it was a wasted session. Nothing gets your head spinning more than being angry with someone. It's been proven that if you have a conversation with someone that is less than friendly you can usually repeat word for word what the conversation was. However if you have a nice conversation with someone most the time you can remember bits and pieces or a general feeling but not exact words. I believe that by leaving there a little annoyed I'm able to then reprocess all we talked about and sort through everything.

Yesterday we discovered that I am fearful. Really?? How can that be? The Bible tells me that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self-control. I don't feel afraid. We're not talking big bugs in Costa Rica kind of fear, that fear is totally rational, have you SEEN the size of those bugs?? This is a deep seated, fear of failure kind of thing. Not only the what if I fail kind of thing but the what will people think of me if I fail. The things that God is asking me to do aren't things that only happen in my studio so if I fail no one sees. No, these are BIG things, things that everyone is going to see. In going through my life's events I don't think I've ever put myself out there to do something that I thought I might fail at. I've always thought that for the most part I've been pretty secure in who I am and what I can do. Then God happens.

God asks me to do these things that I'm not so secure in. He asks me to step out in faith and do things I feel like I'm going to fail at. I know that He asks me these things because I need to trust in Him and know that He will make them not fail. They were His ideas in the first place.

So okay. Last night, I crawl into bed and decide I feel like reading, but not my Ted Dekker book, something else, but what?? So I pick up an art book that I'd been reading but haven't touched in a couple months called An Army Uprising by Christ John Otto. I pick it up and start where I left off. It's the story of Gideon, the part of the story where God tells Gideon to send home all of those that are afraid and 2/3 of his army just leaves. Then they go down to the river to drink and God tells him to send home all of those that kneel down to drink from it. That leaves Gideon with 300 soldiers to fight this battle. Can you just imagine how ridiculous Gideon must think this is?? Then in the book, the author says this:

     "Maybe there was more here. Maybe these 300 men were fearless because they were not
       afraid of what others thought of them. Maybe they were the kind of men who knew who
       they were, maybe they stood up because they were always prepared. Maybe they were
       free of the spirit of slavery. Maybe they were the kind of men who were willing to do
       anything no matter how strange or odd. Maybe they were the kind of people that God 
       could actually use because they had gotten over their hang-ups"

Whoa! Did you read what just happened there? Here I am, trying to process the notion that right now my biggest hang-up is that I am afraid of what people will think of me if I fail, and I believe that it was God who told me to pick up this book to read and right there in black and white the author says that. Now, I don't know if that's why God chose those men, we may never know. However, I believe that God needed me to read that. So of course I'm sucked into this book now because I'm certain that God has other things He wants to tell me, so I read on. Then the author says this:

     "Gideon had to make a choice to believe what God was saying about him. For we, who
       are called to the front line need to make a decision. Will we embrace the thing that is
       in us? Will we embrace the call to the creative life, whatever form that may take? This 
       is a dangerous choice to make, it will require sacrifice, change, and may also impact 
       the lives of others." 

Oh man, this book is speaking right to my heart. Right to the things that have been revealed to me that I am struggling with. I tell ya I was just about to jump right out of my skin. Jerry was in bed next to me sound asleep and it took great restraint not to wake him up and tell him about all of this.

Finally the end of the chapter closes in a prayer that is a prayer that I am now praying:

     "Abba Father, thank you for the call to join the army of artists in this moment in time. I
       have not understood all that you have for me, and have been frustrated at times because
       I could not walk into my destiny. I ask you to encounter me, to name me, and shape me.
       As I embrace your call on my life for this moment, I surrender to your plan. I say 'let it
       be me according to your word.' May I be part of the story that you are writing. All this
       I pray in the name of Jesus Christ the Living Word, Amen."

So today I am processing and reading and thinking and praying. God remove this spirit of fear from me, it has no place in me for You are in me.