Horrible things happened on Friday, and it was in the news, it was on the internet, it was in every day conversation by people it didn't personally affect. It is sad the horrible things that happened. However, what is sad is that people seem to be drawn into the media and the sensationalization of it all. The what ifs and the how comes. I just bet that if you asked any of the people that this horrible thing happened to, they'd just want all those cameras to go away, all the news media to leave them alone in their grief. They'd want people to quit talking about it all. At least that is what I would want. When I'm in pain and hurting from horrible things, I don't want people in my face about it. I don't want to have to keep talking about it, rehashing it, reliving it. I just want to be with the people I love and the people that already know all about it. You want to do something for me, pray, pray for me, pray for my family, just pray.

Now the media and people have to hash out the what ifs and the how comes. Instead, why can't we just say it's time to take responsibility for our own actions, that we need to be held accountable for what we do. That it's not this other persons fault because they did this or that, or because they didn't do this or didn't do that, or if we only had better rules or regulations. If only..... How about if everyone quit worrying about what everyone else was doing right or wrong and just became accountable for their own actions and reactions and they made sure they were doing what they were supposed to be doing. Quit looking for things or people to blame everything on.

I'm not cold and heartless, yes I cried, yes it hurts my heart, however, it is not my pain to bear, it is not my business to be part of their very private, personal pain. My business, should I choose to accept it, and I do, is to stand in the gap and pray for those families, that's it, nothing else.

Wanna experience God doing some AMAZING things? Amp up your prayer life!!! I am blessed to belong to a church that believes strongly in the power of prayer. Even more blessed to belong to a women's group that is just starting to realize the power we have in Christ through prayer.

Now I'm not talking your grocery list kinda prayers, I'm talking Holy Spirit lead prayer, the kind of prayer where you're down on your knees getting real with God. The kind of prayer where you don't do all the talking, the kind where you take time to listen as well. That is when God speaks, God leads, God shows up!! I know you're thinking, I don't have TIME for that kind of praying, I'm telling you MAKE time. Once you experience God through prayer you won't want to pray any other way, you will, but you'll LONG for the kind prayer life where God speaks to you.

The book we're studying in our women's group is called Intercessions by Joy Dawson. Here's a list she gives that takes you through some steps for praying. Give it a try!

1. Praise God for who He is.
2. Make sure your heart is clean before God by giving the Holy Spirit time to convict should you have any unconfessed sin.
3. Acknowledge that you cannot really pray affectively without the Holy Spirit's enabling.
4. Deal aggressively with the enemy. Come against him in the all powerful name of the Lord Jesus Christ and the Sword of the Spirit-The Word of God.
5. Die to your own imaginations, desires and burdens for what you feel you should pray for.
6. Praise God now for the remarkable prayer time you're going to have.
7. Wait before God in silent expectancy, listening for His direction.
8. In obedience and faith take action to what God brings to your mind, believing.
9. If possible have your Bible with you in case God wants to give you direction or conformation through His word.
10. When God ceases to bring things to your mind for which to pray, praise Him and thank Him for what He has done.

Now do you have to follow a list every time you sit down and pray, no of course not, however, making your prayer life more than just the grocery list of things that you'd like God to do for you is so powerful. You WILL see things happen and God WILL talk to you, if only you take time to listen!!

This has been a difficult and interesting 4 days. 4 days is the number of days I've been off of Facebook. At first it was about what I should be doing if I wasn't spending time on Facebook? I wandered aimlessly through the house for a bit, I saw all the dusting that needed to be done, the laundry that was waiting for me and the floors that needed to be washed. I quickly went into panic mode thinking there was no way I was going to fill up my time with housework. That can't possibly be what God meant when we told me to fast from Facebook. So I put on my art clothes and headed to my studio, and that's pretty much where I've been when I haven't been working. I've been productive, which is good right? Except I'm not feeling like it's good. I mean, yes, I've been praying a lot, and praising a lot, which is what I do any time I'm in my studio, and well, most the time when I'm not in my studio. So what am I learning from all this?

What I'm learning is actually quite surprising to me. I'm learning that there are things that happen all during my day that are pretty awesome, God shows up all day long!!  I've learned too that I can't keep these things to myself, I need to share them. I need to share the way God blesses me, ways that He speaks to me, things that are AMAZING that He does all day, every day!!!  If nothing else it's renewed my dedication to discipleship and evangelism.

So, with new eyes, and full awareness of who He is, and how He shows up in my life, I am returning to Facebook so I can share it with all of you.

Every once in a while I get to a place of comfort, a place where everything feels good, feels right, it's mostly a good place. However, it's also a place that makes the anxiety creep up in the back of my brain every now and again and put me on full alert. Usually when I'm in this place it becomes abundantly clear that this is just a resting area. That it's just a pause in life giving me a moment or two to recharge and get ready for the next big thing. As usual, when I see that next big thing coming around the corner, I tend to try to look the other way, to pretend I didn't see it and inevitably that thing that I'm trying to avoid is looking me right in the face and to ignore it would be near impossible. Usually that next big thing is another change in my life that God is calling me to make. Not that I don't want to do what pleases God, I do, but oooo change is so hard. Especially when it's something that doesn't feel to me,  like it needs to be changed. However, I know that "tap on the shoulder", that "whisper in my ear" that tells me otherwise. I've also discovered, this time, as with many other times, He doesn't stop at the gentle tap or the whisper, sometimes He screams it at me loud and clear so that I cannot deny Him, so I cannot pretend I don't know what He's telling me.

Here's the kicker though, I know that if I just surrender and do what He's asking, He will bless me for it. He will use me in new and exciting ways. He will reveal Himself to me in ways I've not seen before. I so want that!! So if that is the case why does it feel like I need someone to pry my fingers away from that thing I'm hanging onto so tightly?

I've got lots of praying to do, and lots of listening to do so I know exactly what this looks like for me in His eyes. Now, where did I leave that white flag of mine?

A few things I've encountered this week have made me think quite a bit about marriage. I have been blessed with a good marriage, one that functions like a well oiled machine. I have over the years come to learn that the way our relationship functions is not the norm. At this point in my life I can attest that to God working in our lives, however, there was a time when God was not first in our lives and yet our marriage still worked so well. On the flip side though, there are people I know who very much put God first in their lives and yet, struggle with some of the challenges that marriage bring. I don't have all the answers, but I did make an observation today.

I read something today that talked about how single people are in search of that perfect mate, that perfect someone to fulfill all their needs. The person that is going to love them for who they are and accept them with all their flaws and idiosyncrasies, yet their standards are such that the person they are looking for can't be themselves and have flaws and idiosyncrasies of their own.

In my opinion, marriage shouldn't be about finding someone who will be the perfect mate to fulfill YOUR needs, marriage should be about finding someone whom you love so much that you want to spend your life trying to fulfill THEIR needs. Marriage should be about wanting to do what it takes to make the other person happy. If both spouses are doing this, if both spouses are loving each other enough to make themselves second and their spouse first, then one would think that it would be a relationship that works.

I am the first to admit that I am a selfish person, yet I take great joy and pleasure in doing things that make my husband happy. Even simple silly things like grabbing a chocolate bar for him when I'm in the check out line cause I know it will make him happy. There are things that I also give up or don't do because I know that it would not make him happy. In doing so though, I don't feel as though I'm giving up or compromising my wants or needs, nor do I feel cheated. I'm happy to do these things because it gives me great joy to fulfill his needs/wants and to make him happy. In turn he does the same for me, it humbles me greatly to think of and realize all that he does and all that he gives up to be the husband I need him to be.

In doing this, in giving up and sacrificing and in putting the other first, we have built a beautiful relationship that is exactly what God had intended. A relationship where neither of us put ourselves first, where we think of the other before ourselves. A relationship where because we are fulfilling the others needs/wants, we find ourselves fulfilled as well. A relationship where two truly have become one.

Jesus showed us how to love, and He did it be serving others, by making sacrifices even unto death for us. Jesus didn't come into this world to see if He could find someone who would fulfill His needs, He came so He could fulfill ours. In turn those that love the Lord find themselves trying to live their lives in a way that pleases Him. We, the Church are, after all, the Bride of Christ.

Living a life of faith as I do, I always try to look back at things that I've gone through in my life, or the things that have affected my life, especially the difficult things and most always I can see where God has used what I went through in one way or another for His Glory.

Today is a day that most Americans reflect back on the terrible tragedy of 9/11/2001 when terrorists came into our country and changed peoples lives forever. I don't know anyone personally that lost a loved one that horrific day, and my heart goes out to those families whose lives were impacted directly by those attacks. However, being an American whose country was violated I try to see how God has used this for His glory and I see a country that raises their flags prouder than they did before the attacks. Our US Anthem has greater meaning to more people than it did before. Americans who stand in unity for the pride of their country.

On this day 11 years ago, hero's stepped forward in a big way. God used His people to make a difference in peoples lives. Not only do we have a renewed and greater respect for our firefighters and police officers because of the bravery they showed on this day, but also a glimpse into how common every day people come together in a time of crisis. I'm reminded of the passengers on flight 93 that boldly stepped forward and put their lives 2nd and the lives of others first. The story of that flight and the courageous things that took place have forever impacted the lives of others.

I'm sure there are many, many other stories that have been and could be shared by countless other people as to ways that through this horrific tragedy a blessing was brought forth.

Does God cause bad things like this to happen, no, but when they do, He uses them to bring forth His Glory and to show His abounding grace and mercy. You just have to be willing to look for them.

The other night I was laying in bed reading my book after having taken my sleeping meds. I'm not quite sure if it was something I read or if it just happened, but suddenly I got this ache in my chest. Not like a I need a doctor kind of ache, but more an I'm missing something kind of ache. I put my book down to pay attention to the ache so I could figure out where it was coming from. It was coming from my creativity. I do believe my creative soul is weeping, in mourning for the things it misses doing. I believe that there is a paint brush shaped hole in my heart at the moment.

What is so odd about this is that despite my longing for creativity, and the smell of paint and the feel of it between my fingers, I struggle to make myself go to the studio. I have no idea why this happens, it certainly makes no real sense. It doesn't seem to matter if I have something I'm supposed to be creating, or if I've got no preplanned agenda, just the thought of getting there is so difficult. Maybe part of it is that I don't have an idea. Maybe that's what I need, an idea. A reason to go there, something that I feel I need to get out. When I think of other things that have motivated me in the past, they've stemmed from either deadlines or ideas. I have no deadlines. I have no ideas. I see things others have done and thing, "wow, that's so kewl" but then guard myself from trying to recreate something someone else has already done and feel the need to create something of me, and not something stemmed from someone else.

I'm curious, all you other artist types out there, I can't be the only one struggling with this, do you struggle with this? How do you get past it? Where do you get ideas? How do you start from nothing and come up with something?

I need to refill that paintbrush shaped hole and ease my creative souls groaning.

I have been remiss for not telling you all about the newest member of our family. This beautiful young lady is Lexie. We have known Lexie since she was just a little girl, she grew up next door to us. She's the same age as Melissa and so she fits right in with the girls.
There have been many days and nights that the echo of her infectious laugh has graced our home and we are blessed for it. Her smile lights up a room and she's kind, gentle and loving.

I'm so proud of all this young lady has accomplished and how she's stood strong amid the trials and frustrations that life has thrown her. She's standing on her own two feet and she's carving out her own little niche in life.

Lexie will be a senior this coming fall, and through no one's prompting or telling her she has to, she's done well enough in school that she will be graduating early. While others will be in school till Summer, she will be done in January. College is just on the horizon for her. She has drive and determination and she is taking responsibility for her own future.

Strong as she is though, she has a sensitive side, the side that shows up every once in a while when life gets a little jumbled and she feels overwhelmed. The part to her that makes me want to hold her in my arms and make it all go away. I think sometimes she doubts that our family will be here for her forever and ever, but nonetheless we just keep reminding her that we're not going anywhere. If we could right this very minute we would adopt her and make her Lexie Gifford, however, due to certain circumstances we have to wait a while for that to happen. Even though she may not be Lexie Gifford legally, she's already Lexie Gifford in our hearts.

Oh my goodness!! What a few days I have had. My husband and I got home from an amazing 5 days in NYC. Loved our time there and the time spent together. However, when we got home, at least for me, it felt like the bottom just dropped out of everything. We need a new roof, our stove broke, the van had some issues that needed to be fixed, and now I need a root canal and a crown. All things that cost money and it's above and beyond what we have. However, I know full well that my God is bigger than all of those things, and I know He's capable of providing, yet the weight of it all just sat on my shoulders and consumed me. I spent a lot of time crying and trying to figure out just how we were going to make this all happen. I truly felt as though I was drowning, everything was just so much bigger than I could comprehend.

So yesterday, I decided I would take the whole day and devote it to prayer and just spending time with Him. I was doing pretty good about things, until my trip to the dentist. The thing with the dentist is I was totally okay with just pulling the tooth, cause we have that money on our flex card and it would be covered. Until I got home and realized that it was a tooth that would be noticed when I smile. I'm not a hugely vain person, but that bothered me. I smile A LOT, and I'm so afraid that it would make me self conscious and I'd stop smiling so much. I know, sounds lame and vain and silly, but it is what it is. We have dental insurance and they only cover so much, so to do the root canal and crown is more than we have left on our flex card. Sigh. I would be lying to you if I didn't say I completely lost it. I think that's just what God was waiting for. I tell you all of this, so that I can tell you this, in the process of "losing it", I said to Him, "that's it God, that's all I've got, I give up, I'm done, I have no more." I felt complete calm and peace from there on out, and I heard God whisper, "finally, that's what I've been waiting for, now let me show you what I can do".

So I'm not sure what the next few days has in store, but I will tell you this, I have found my joy again, and I know that I know, that I know, that God is bigger than anything that life can throw at me.

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So I'm trying to make sure I get a walk in most days. Usually it's a treadmill kind of thing cause I try to make it as painless as possible. If I'm on the treadmill I can play gin rummy on my Kindle Fire. Lame I know, but it makes the torture go by faster. However,I was up by 5:00 this morning and decided to take my walk outside. There's just something about a sunrise and a sunset that beckons me. God does some of his best work then, the way the sky changes colors as they take place. This mornings sunrise wasn't as colorful as I've seen but it was beautiful just the same. Made my walk a bit more enjoyable.

I'm a little late in doing this, however, it's no less heartfelt.  On June 17th my youngest baby girl turned 18.  Yep, this little blonde cutie is now 18.

Now, just so you are not sucked into the cuteness as I was, let me tell you, she is a force to be reckoned with, even when she was this little. Oh. My. Goodness could this little precious angel throw a tantrum!! Not many outside of our home were privy to them usually, however, on the off chance they were they were always shocked at what this cute little ball of fluffiness could do. I always used to say that if anyone ever took one of my kids they would take Melissa cause she was so stinken cute, however, once they got a taste of the tantrum they'd bring her right back!!

She's always been my headstrong girl. Never wanting to follow the group, do the "in" thing, always has been her own unique person. She's never even owned a box, whats the point, she was never going to be IN it anyways. There was a time in her life when she wouldn't leave the house with out a headband in her hair. Mostly normal you'd think right? Nope, not with Melissa, her favorite headband when she was little had this HUGE pink felt flower sticking out the top of it. She ROCKED that thing!!! Drove my mother nuts!!! LOL However, in the grand scheme of things, that was one battle I was not willing to tackle, you want to wear a giant flower on your head, you go girl!!!

Today as an 18 year old that headstrong drive and stubbornness has served her well. She knows what she wants and she goes and gets it. She has direction and a purpose in what she does. She's always been my little artist and probably follows closest in my footsteps that way, however she's taken on the challenge of adding todays technology to her passion for art and is heading in a marketing and graphic design direction. She learns very easily and when it's something she's passionate about it she grabs it with both hands.

She is my daughter of recessive traits, only blonde, only one with hair that curly, blue eyes, left handed, pigeon toed, and she's color blind. She was born to be amazing!! Watch out world, Melissa is on her way!!

This post has been churning in my gut for a few weeks now, and I know it's not going to make me popular. I may offend people whom I love and for that I'm sorry.  However, keeping quiet about this is becoming increasingly difficult as the popularity of these books grow. Yes, I said books, and unless you have been living in a cave you probably know which ones I'm talking about, the 50 Shades of Grey Series. Just in case you're not familiar with this increasingly popular book series, here's a link to a Wikipedia entry about them.  I know from overheard discussions, facebook posts, emails, and websites that these books are continually growing in popularity and that there is now a movie deal.  These books are written in a way that they are appealing to women. Women are recommending these books to their friends, which only spreads the poison. To me the scariest thing about these books, is they are not being viewed as porn, yet if they were written to appeal to men, women would be outraged if they caught their men reading them. If these books are truly made into movies they will have to be X-rated unless much of the content is taken out of them. How many women are going to be rushing to an adult theater to view them? 

Many years ago I quit reading romance novels because they weren't realistic and I soon found myself wishing I lived in a world where men behaved that way. I found myself being disappointed that my husband didn't sweep me off my feet the way it happened in the books. Such unnecessary frustration I put upon myself and ridiculous  expectations I set up for my husband to unknowingly fail at. It was not honoring to him or our marriage. Generally speaking, romance novels aren't as explicitly graphic as 50 Shade of Gray is, I can't help but think that these books may open doors to things that shouldn't be. That something that God has intended to be a beautiful thing between a husband and a wife will be twisted into something other than beautiful. 

In trying to find different reviews on these books I found one written in the NY Times by a man. The title of his piece? "It's all porn to me:...." One of the scariest lines to me, in his review is this; It manages, miraculously, to be at once pornographic and deeply unappealing to men – it is a kind of pornography that attracts only women, and thus far it is selling off the charts.

This isn't just a "God" thing either, it's a right and wrong issue. Pornography is wrong, disgusting and degrading, whether it be photo's, movies and yes, books. 

When our kids are little, we're so careful to shelter them from things we deem not child friendly. We're careful how we speak, so that they don't copy our bad language or inappropriate talk. We're careful what we watch on tv when they're around so they don't see anything that will give them nightmares or make them ask questions that we're not ready to answer. We guard who we let them spend time with so that they're not exposed to bad behavior by other children and  pick up bad habits from them.  We are very aware that little minds are easily manipulated and they absorb things like a sponge.

I don't know what happens, but some where along the line we let our guard down. We loosen the strings so to speak and let them watch a show with us that maybe a year or two ago wouldn't have been allowed. Suddenly, they're listening to music we didn't preview first and give them permission to listen to. We're not nearly as careful about what we say in their presence as we once were. Why do we do this? It's not that they're not watching us anymore, because they are, and when we sit and watch inappropriate shows, or listen to inappropriate music, or say inappropriate things,  now they're sitting next to us doing it with us. I think for me, it's because now, to shelter them from these things, it means I  have to change my choices. Why is it okay for us, but not for them? If it's inappropriate for them, wouldn't it be inappropriate for us as parents as well?

I became aware of this reality the other day as I removed myself from the room when there was a movie on  tv that dropped the occasional F bomb and I was bothered by it enough to leave the room. Yet some where along the line I had decided it was okay for my children to watch that. Granted my 14 year old wasn't in the room, but my almost 19 year old daughter was. Yes she's an adult, but by simply walking out of the room instead of making her turn it off, I condoned what she was watching and gave her the impression that it was acceptable.

I can't help but wonder what other things I've given the impression to my children that they are okay  to do, listen to, say and watch simply because I didn't say it's not okay or because I do it myself. Just because my children are older now doesn't mean they're not impressionable anymore. It doesn't mean they're not watching what I as a parent does anymore. Now I'm faced with a difficult two part task, changing the things that I'm doing, and  telling my children things that once were okay, now are not.

I of course am going to put a "church" spin on this, because that is where I am currently called to serve. However, this can apply to any organization you feel passionate about.

I believe that in order to have a fullfilling, blessed life, you have to be willing to give of yourself. Giving of yourself looks differently for everyone. For some it's helping at a homeless shelter, others it's Relay for Life, for others it's the animal shelter. For me, it's my church. I love my church, I'm passionate about what it stands for, I'm passionate about the people that go to our church and the new people that come every Sunday and for those that will come to our church. I'm passionate about doing what ever I can to help our church succeed in reaching people for the Kingdom of God.

I currently serve in several different capacities but the 2 main ones are as a facillitator of a womens bible study, and in the nursery during the first service every Sunday. These are 2 area's where yes, I'm volunteering and filling a need, but even more so, these are 2 area's where God fills me because I choose to serve.

The Wednesday morning womens Bible study, is amazing, and growing by leaps and bounds. Seeing that simply by stepping up to merely be the one who makes sure new study books are ordered, child care is in place and by helping guide our convesations to stay on topic, God has blessed me sooo much.  I have gotten to know so many wonderful Christian women through our fellowship. I have grown in my faith and have learned so much from each new study. Now, even if I wasn't leading this study, I would go to the study if someone else was leading it, however, whose to say that if I didn't do it someone else would? Not saying that I'm irreplaceable because that most certainly isn't the case, there are many very capable women in our group alone that would do an amazing job. However, why should I wait to see if someone else will step up to the challenge when thats something I can do? Thats an area where I feel comfortable stepping up to volunteer so that others can experience the same amazing things that I experience.

Volunteering in the nursery on Sunday mornings for me is pure joy! I get to love on those babies for an hour, I don't have to share them or give them back to their moms for a whole hour!! I also find joy in the fact that  because I am willing to spend that first service taking care of babies, I know that their parents can then enjoy the service or serve in other capacities.

My sister has said several times to me, "I can't believe more people don't volunteer."  Now, I'm not sure why that is, because I know that every person that walks through those doors on Sunday mornings walk away having been given something. They've been given a Spiritual renewing, a prayer if needed, smiles and friendly faces, snacks, coffee and joy. If they have children, their children have been cared for and loved on so that they could worship. Someone made the coffee and set out the snacks for them, someone greeted them and handed them a bulletin when they walked in the door. Some one passed the offerring bucket for them, someone made sure the lights and sound and slides were working properly. Someone played guitar, piano, drums, tamborine and sang for them. People volunteered their time and choose to do these things simply so that others would be able to get the most out of their Sunday mornings. Why wouldn't you want to do that for someone else? Even if you only did it once a month? Why wouldn't you want to do everything you could to make sure that everyone walked out of there with the same amazing experience that you do every Sunday? Most importantly, why would you want to pass up that blessing that God has for you because you choose to serve.

So my challenge for all of you is, that area of your life that you are so passionate about, find a way to serve it so that others may continue to be blessed by it, but also so that YOU may be blessed by it as well!!

Ok so this appears to have been a photo taken in the 80's, however, it was not, May 18, 1991 to be exact. I think there was some 80's residue still hanging around.  Either way I thought I looked awesome, as well as my handsome groom.

Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. When you see the number, 21, it seems like such a very long time. However, as I see it, it seems to have just gone by so fast. I don't know if it is just because we've been so busy with raising our kids and life in general, but 21 years just doesn't seem that long to me. My husband may have a different story to tell, he has had to spend those 21 years living with me, and truth be told I'm a little high maintenance at times. He's an amazing man to have put up with me for all these years.

Todays post will be all about this amazing man I married and get to call my husband. I'm so proud to be Mrs. Jerry B. Gifford II and since this is my blog and he has no control over it I'm going to tell you all about him.

My husband has the most amazing sense of humor, if you're friends with him at all, or know him through Face Book you are aware of this. His sense of humor is what drew me to him, he made me laugh consistently. Some women are drawn to men with intense eyes, or great smiles, big muscles, those kinds of things. Not to say that Jerry doesn't have some of those qualities, but they're just not whats important to me. Laughter, that is the path to my heart. Spending time with him just brought me so much joy.

As I learned more about him, I discovered he had many more qualities that I enjoyed, he's kind, compassionate, strong in character and integrity. I love his brain, I know that sounds silly, but I love how he just knows stuff.  He has what he calls a "useless facts file" which I am all to happy to tap into because it fascinates me that he knows these things. He's wise and discerning and after learning the hard way many times, I have come to know that I should listen to him because most of the time he's right about things. He has a strong faith and he loves the Lord and is growing in his relationship with Him daily. I love that I can talk to him about my faith and he helps me in my walk with God as well.

He's passionate about his children. Since they were born he would get up in the middle of the night while they were sleeping an poke them just to make sure they were still breathing. To this day he still checks on his kids at night. Sometimes they wake up and it freaks them out a bit, but it's all part of the daddy charm. My favorite thing about his relationship with the kids though, is he makes them laugh too. He sings their silly hip hop songs with them, and connects with them on levels I can't.

 However, what makes me love him most is the way that he loves me. He treats me with respect, never makes me feel as if I'm less than him. He makes me feel beautiful,  like there isn't another woman in the world that he could ever love more. He never talks down to me and makes me feel like I'm stupid even though he knows way more than I ever could. He helps me learn who I am by giving constructive criticism in a loving way. He's patient with me when I'm being difficult. He's unselfish in giving of himself and his time to me. He treats me with respect and is willing to listen to me. Yes, I love him cause he still makes me laugh, he still brings me joy.

I don't just love my husband, I'm IN love with my husband. I learn something new about him almost every day. I can't wait to see what the next 21+ years have in store for us.

Happy Anniversary baby, I love you!

This beautiful creature here is my oldest daughter, Kellie Elizabeth. Today is her 20th birthday, and she shines. She's the child I wanted from the first time I ever held a baby. She's the one I dreamed about, longed for, and ached for.

Not that all of my children aren't amazing and special, however, the thrill of that first baby is something that nothing else can ever mimic. It's so full of firsts, and new experiences that nothing else can compare to it.

I remember driving my husband crazy after we got married because I wanted a baby so badly. He wanted to wait 5 years before having children, I just couldn't comprehend why on earth we should wait so long and how could he not want to have a baby right that minute!!  I won that battle of course because we brought Kellie home from the hospital on our first wedding anniversary. The second she was born her daddy just melted and we've never looked back.

She was the perfect baby, rarely cried, so content, such a perfect round little head, and sweet little fingers and toes. Oh and she smelled so good, all babies smell good to me, but this one was so much more sweet cause she was mine and I didn't have to share her. I didn't have to hand her back to her mom, cause I was the mom. I held that little girl all day every day, just sucking in all the joy that she brought me.

Today she is a bright and lively young woman who continues to bring me joy, and I am so proud of the woman she's becoming. Each day she discovers a little bit more of herself, shaping who she will become. She is head strong, smart and passionate. She is striving for that day when she will stand on her own, and I have no doubt that she will and when she does she will shine. She has a heart for the Lord and knows that He is King of her life and her faith will bring her blessings.

Yes, this is my daughter, Kellie Elizabeth, my child of firsts, I love her so much, and I can't wait to experience all the rest of the firsts with her as she grows.

Happy Birthday, Kellie.

Doctor Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds can read and comprehend 20,000 words per minute. Oh how I envy that. My list of books to read stands taller than me, and that's the list, not the actual books!!  I have a Kindle and I probably have 60 books loaded onto it just waiting for me to open them. Almost daily a new book pops up that I want to read thanks to the sidebar ads on Facebook. Not to mention the numerous books that people recommend to me each week. 

As I write this, and have now backspaced out several excuses as to why I'm not able to get all the reading I want to do, in truth it all boils down to poor time management. Too much time spent on social media or playing online games. Sigh, odd how a whiny post about not enough time has smacked me in the face with reality. 

In this day and age of modern technology where even the written word is digitized our "free time" isn't really free anymore because of the self imposed weight of staying in the loop so to speak. Suddenly it's become a normal part of our lives to blast to everyone what we're doing right that second, as if the world has been standing with baited breath for my latest update. How did this become the norm? 

I think maybe it's time for me to seriously reconsider how I'm spending my time. I've been pretty good as of late making sure that I'm getting my house clean, and I have been fairly consistent with getting on that stupid treadmill.  However, if I'm not doing one of those things or working, you will find me, with my feet propped up in the recliner and the dogs surrounding me on all sides, with this lap top sitting on my lap as I plug into what the rest of the world is doing. 

Hmmmm, I wonder how many of us have unknowingly given up things in our lives that gave us joy only to plug into the world to see what gives other people joy? Thoughts? Comments? 

It always freaks me out just a bit when I get a request to make art for someone. All these fears go through my head, but the biggest one is "what if my vision for what they're asking for, isn't what they see?" Then there is that awkward moment when I present them with a piece of art that isn't anything like they were expecting. Somehow I feel like that fear is multiplied times 10 when your Pastor asks you to create a piece of art to go in the foyer of your church.

However, one of the things that I've consistently asked God for, is to let me create for His glory. So despite my fears, I accepted the challenge and moved forward. I began making all these plans on how  I saw this art, how it was all going to fit together. I sat down at my easel, and put  up the canvas, then, I did something I'd never thought to do before, I put both hands on it and prayed. Prayed that God would guide me, fill me with the creativity of the Holy Spirit, and that what I would create would be to His glory. Then, I listened......I just listened.  I sat back and looked at the canvas, and listened, I drew a heart in the center of it, which was part of my plan, and I listened. Then, I sat back in my chair again, looked at the heart, and yes, I still listened. That, was when I heard, that was when God spoke, that was when God told me HIS plan, and made me realize how small my plan was. That was when He showed me that I wasn't thinking big enough, that His plan was bigger.

I wonder how often I do that, how often I don't think to, or take the time to listen and just move ahead with my plan. I wonder how many times God has shook His head at me and thought, if she'd only listen, she'd hear MY plan and she'd see just how much bigger and better My plan is than hers. I'm sure I've missed out on so much because I just went ahead and did things my way.

As I'm relearning how to do my art, learning how to make art for the process of it, not for what the finished piece will be, I have to say that this particular piece of art, it is very difficult for me to do that.  I feel as though, it's not just one person who may look at it and think "huh, that's not quite what I had in mind", but the entire congregation. However, knowing that as I'm doing it, I'm listening, and He's talking, and He's working through me to create it, I know that it'll be exactly what He expected, and in all of life,  THAT is what matters most. Yes, what I'm doing is for His glory and it is pleasing in His eyes.

As for my pastor Josh and the rest of the congregation, I hope it's pleasing to you all as well, just know that it wasn't my idea if you should look at it and think "huh, that's not quite what I had in mind", take it up with God, cause it was His idea, not mine LOL.

Procrastination, I am the Queen of it! I find anything and everything, including doing this blog post, to do things that I know I SHOULD do, but really don't want to.  Why do we do this to ourselves?? It's not like  when you finally do it, whatever IT is, that it's easier, or less messy or more fun to do. Wouldn't it make more sense just to do it, get it done and over with and move on?? You would think, yet I know that I am not alone in my Queendom of Procrastination, there are many who live in my land. If I find a cure for this I'll post it........later.

I had an interesting "look back" into my life today, thanks to post on a friends blog today.  Something I don't recall doing much of because there is just so much going on now, I rarely think to reflect on where I've come from.

In this reflecting, I've decided I really like where I am today. God has blessed me so abundantly and I'm not sure I was completely aware of just how much and in what area's until thinking back over things today.

I consider my childhood, and the way I was raised. In years past I've carried much bitterness about things that were out of my control, yet my parents did what they thought was best. However, I can now see that the experiences of my childhood have shaped me as a parent. I am not a perfect parent, I know that there will most likely be areas that my children will feel they've been slighted or that I failed at. I just hope that they can in turn do as I have, and use those experiences to help shape their parenting as well.

I think of my education, or lack there of and I see how I have learned to adapt in areas where I still struggle. If I have any regrets it would be that I failed to take my education seriously. This is where my brilliant husband comes into play. God has blessed me with a man who knows more about anything I could ever want to know. I also find that this is another area where I see that it has helped shape my parenting.

I think of how I met my husband, this is a "look back" I do often because the hand of God is so obvious in it and my husband is a blessing I thank God for each and every day. From just that blessing, so many other blessings have sprung forth. I think of our wedding day, oh the expense that was dished out for that, oy!! If I have one nugget of wisdom to pass along, is that the importance of the whole day, is the vows you make to one another in the presence of God, the rest is so trivial!

I think of my children when they were young. Oh the madness!!! Having the girls soooo close together, was so crazy. I can honestly say that most of toddler-hood is such a blur, so if you're in the midst of it right now, write it down!! I wouldn't change my girls being so close for anything though, they're all such good friends now as nearly grown adult women. My son is such an exciting blessing as well, he came at a time in our life when the busy-ness of the girls toddler-hood was nearly at an end. We got to enjoy him as the only baby in the house which was such a treasure. Gods timing is always perfect.

I consider our choice of homes to buy. When we bought our house it was perfect size for Jerry and I and 3 little girls. Our intention was to stay in this house only 5 years or so and then move on to something bigger. That obviously never happened.  I look at our home now and see that yes, it's small, but it has helped shape our family to be as close knit as it is. We spend a lot of time together because we're forced to in the small space, but more importantly, we spend time together because we want to. There is a lot of laughter in our home, and I'm not so sure that our relationships with one another would be as well shaped and intertwined as they are now if we'd of had room to spread out and separate ourselves from one another. No ones pain goes unnoticed and uncomforted because you cannot cry in our home without someone noticing. I know that at the time of the pain, you feel like you just want to be left alone, however, in the end it's the support of loved ones that helps ease things. I know that as my children grow up they will have lots of "remember when..." stories. 

However, through all this reflection, all the things that I've gone through in my ever so short lifetime of 44 years, I have done the most important growing and changing in just the last 4 years. Turning 40 was so hard for me, and I look at it now and see that it wasn't the number itself, more the realization that although I was aging, I wasn't changing, I wasn't growing, I wasn't evolving into anything really. Yes, I was still a mom, still a wife, and other relational things, but through it all I had lost who I was.

So many things happened in such quick succession that it became almost whirlwind like. God entered my life in a way I hadn't let him in years, because of His urging, I began therapy, which cleared away so much unresolved garbage that I began to find my identity again. All the while leaning on God, the support of my family and friends, I have become a person that I am proud to be. I have a better grasp on who I am for me, who I am for my husband, and who I am for my kids. I have a good balance in my life because I'm not searching for anything, I'm not trying to figure out who I am or where I'm supposed to be. I know that ultimately, for me, that all this is possible, because I know who I am in Christ.

How does your reflection look?

I attend an awesome church at which I am blessed to lead a women's bible study every Wednesday morning. We usually do book studies, but have also picked a book within the bible to study as well.  As leader I make the final decision usually in what we study (with the approval of our pastor of course), however, I always ask for in put from the wonderful group of ladies that study with me. We are just finishing a wonderful study called The Pursuit of Holiness, which has been both enlightening and challenging and I for one, have learned much from it.

Having said all that, I must confess that this next choice of study material has me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Spiritual Warfare and taking on demons sends my knees to knocking. I fully believe that there is evil out there and that they are fighting to take people for their "kingdom", just as God is fighting for His Kingdom. Knowing that, I believe that it is our job as Christ followers to be aware of this and do all we can in the name of Jesus to win back those that Satan has over come, but, just how do we do that??

I started reading this book today and am struck by the repetition of the Romans 8:31 "what, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" I must admit, the times I've read this verse and sang the song Our God by Chris Tomlin I've only thought of persecution by people, struggles and hardships that come into our lives, oddly, I've never thought of it in a demonic sense. Yet another reminder that there is just so much that I need to learn, sigh.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a constant journey, and until I reach those pearly gates and get to dance at the feet of Jesus, my journey continues daily.
This book is part of my journey and will be a HUGE learning experience for me, and dare I speak for the other women who will join me, that it will be a learning experience for them as well.

Hello again, I've been so out of touch.  I thought this morning as I felt the need to "write", that I would start yet another blog about me and all that I am, a blog that I could share everything on from how much I love Jesus, to my family, to my creative side.  Then I reread what I've already posted here and decided there was no need. I just needed to make this one my everything blog. I'll still post art stuff to my Note From The Queen blog, but everything else, can fall into my Life Outside the Studio blog.  Well, now that's settled I can get on with life as it is.