Changes

What a year this has been. So much is so different. 3 of my 5 children have moved out. I have a new job. Started a new small group. Knee surgery and now I can't run. My mom is gone. My house stays cleaner. We use less toilet paper.

It's midnight on the eve of Christmas eve. We do Christmas with our children on Christmas eve morning. A tradition we started when they were little because Christmas morning was spent at the in-laws. That has since been changed as kids got older and had families of their own, my in-laws got older, yet we still do Christmas eve morning here with the kids. However, even that has changed, instead of giggly little kids who can hardly wait crawling out of bed before the sun rises to dig through stockings and tear open presents, we're starting at 10:00am so that the ones that no longer live here can get her without having to get up too early. It's not longer just our family, now there are boyfriends to add to the mix as well.

As I sit here listening to Christmas music and gazing at the tree I'm so aware of all the changes. Not bad changes necessarily just different. A new stage in our life is blossoming as we move forward. Things are shifting from having to worry about and parent our children to worrying differently about them and the parenting has turned into advice or words of encouragement, wisdom. Watching them grow and experience new firsts, it's almost like when they were toddlers again. So much joy in watching them work through their struggles on their own. Watching them experience new joys of living on their own and seeing them learn the skills it takes to be a grown up in this, sometimes not so nice world we live in. I am so proud each time one of them makes it through a struggle on their own. I know sometimes it's not easy and asking Mom and Dad for help would be an easy thing to do, yet they don't. Maybe, just maybe we've done something right. I hang onto those little glimpses that we didn't screw them up too bad.

I have high hopes for 2015, not quite sure what it will bring, but I'm hoping less pain and sorrow than 2014 carried with it. I know that the start of it will be amazing with my trip to Costa Rica, towards the end of it, in September, will be amazing as well with Kellie's wedding. It's the middle that will be full of surprises. I hope joyous surprises.

Each year I try to have a motto or a focus to work through. 2014 was my year of moving forward. I think I did okay with it and did my best not to sit in my sorrow, or discouragement. I said yes to things that felt like it was a step in the right direction and no to the things that weren't. I haven't completely figured out what my focus for 2015 will be, but I'm leaning towards a year of good health. My knee surgery this summer has thrown a wrench in how I was taking care of myself. I need to refocus, find something that works for me and get back on track controlling my diabetes properly. However, it's not January yet, so something may come along that feels more right.

Changes aren't bad, they're different, it's all in your perspective, and if I've learned anything from my Mom's illness and ultimate passing, it's finding God's perspective is what makes it sweet. God's perspective is always right, always perfect and never failing.

A Shift in Perspective

If you've talked to me about Christmas anytime in the last several years the words "I hate Christmas" have most likely come out of my mouth. Truly, the stress of not having enough money, not finding the "right" gift. The schedules of it all, the constant running. What is there to enjoy in all of that? In my mind, not a darn thing! For me, the ideal holiday is Thanksgiving, simply family and friends coming together to share a meal and time with one another. Why can't Christmas be like that?

So fast forward to today. I have been trying to force myself into the mood for all of this nonsense by watching movies, browsing Pinterest for ideas and considering listening to Christmas music. Today I was in my studio, browsing the Pandora Christmas stations, trying to find one that wouldn't send me over the edge. Finally I gave up and all alone in my studio I said, "I hate Christmas". Oh boy!

Now, I know God is with me everywhere I am, not just in my studio, however, as I've shared before there is a difference in my studio, God meets me there. It's like when I open that door He's sitting there at my easel just waiting for me. It's almost as if there is this tangible, reach out and touch, have a conversation with, feeling of God there. Yes I know He's not a "feeling", but I'm not quite sure how else to put it into words. So even though I've said those 3 words before, this time when I said it, it was like God smacked me upside the head. I suddenly had this vision in my head of a painting of Jesus in the manger. I dismissed it cause, well, that's just not what I do, I don't do Christmas art. Why would I? Remember, Christmas is not my favorite. However, it wouldn't go away, the idea just kept growing...what would the background look like? How would I incorporate my love of mixed media into it so it wasn't just all painting? Does he have a face? Can you see it? So finally I sat down at my easel and said out loud, "Okay, fine, I'll do a manger". Without warning the emotion that flooded over me was so intense I began to sob. I began to understand what this was all about.

Much like my last post when God helped me realize how my words about Costa Rica grieve Him, He shared with me how it made Him feel when I said these things as well. Now, I know, Jesus most likely wasn't born on December 25th, however that is when we celebrate it. What was I saying to people when I said "I hate Christmas"? In essence I was telling people I hated the celebration of the birth of my Savior. He brought to mind something a co-worker who isn't a Believer said to me on Saturday when I said those 3 word. She said "how can you hate Christmas, aren't you a Christian?". Ouch! It didn't hurt then, but now that God has adjusted my perspective to His it sure does.

So okay, I can still hate the money stress and commercialism of it all, because that has nothing to do with my Savior's birth. I just need to shift my perspective of Christmas, to coin the phrase if you will, Jesus truly is the reason for the season. I need to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts when I think of Christmas. Christmas is is the celebration of Jesus, coming to this earth because He loves us all so much He was willing to die for us.

 I love my Savior, and I love Christmas.

Aligning my heart.

So, today is Sunday. I love Sundays! It's my favorite day of the week. I get to go to church and see and chat with some of my most favorite people. I get to sing and worship my God with all of them and I get to hear a wonderful message from our pastor. Sunday's are good for my heart.

However, since agreeing to go to Costa Rica along with all those other emotions is the emotion of dread, okay, maybe dread isn't the right word, but there is certainly this feeling of "unpeace". You see, every Sunday at 3:30 there is a Costa Rica team meeting. I love every person on our team. God has aligned such a great group of people to take this journey with me. However, every Sunday, when I remember that I have that meeting, I go through this thing in my head where I try to imagine a scenario where I can talk my way out of going. Not just the meeting, but Costa Rica all together. Then I remember that I'm doing this out of obedience to God's will for my life and I begrudgingly swallow it all and just move on. This is my normal Sunday routine as of late.

However, something shifted this morning. While I was going through my "get out of Costa Rica" bargaining,  God said to me "Lisa, it grieves me when you do this". Sigh. I wish I had the ability to say so much with so few words. At that moment I knew that each time I try to imagine getting out of it, or express my desire not to go, I'm telling God that what He has in store for me isn't good enough, that I'm not trusting Him to know what is best for me. It's like He's giving me this wonderful gift, this blessing and although I've taken it, I'm not appreciating it, I'm ridiculing not only the gift, but the Gift Giver as well. It is a slap in the face to Him. Shame on me!

Of course, me being the selfish, fleshly person that I am, I cannot see past what I want, what my plans are, what my ideas and fears and insecurities are. All I'm focused on is how uncomfortable I perceive that all of this will make me, and I can only see it from my perspective. Nearly boasting that I'm doing this out of obedience, almost like I'm asking people to pat me on the back for being the "good Christian". In all of this I've forgotten that God's plans are perfect, that I should be grateful for all that He has in store for me. That I should accept each direction, each gift with bated breath and anxious for what each moment entails. That my heart shouldn't be over flowing with dread or woe because it's not what I want, but it should be bursting with anticipation and excitement for what God wants to show me. I should be out of my skin that God has put this in my lap and has equipped me each step along the way and I should be marveled at His awesomeness. I should be feeling blessed that He's chosen me to be His hands and feet and to be His vessel in which to bring light and color to Hogar de Vida. I should also have an open heart, anxious for all the wonder, and the joy and the blessings that He has in store for me through all of this. Oh how could I be so foolish?

I also believe that this does not simply encompass Hogar de Vida, but everything that He's gifted me with. There are things that I know I don't embrace all that He has intended for me because it's not what I want, or it's not an easy thing. There are things in my life that I have been shown repeatedly that are part of who God has made me to be, yet, some times they're not easy things, they require work and dedication and a willingness to do what He asks me to do. The easy way out, the selfish way, is to dismiss those things, to complain about those things and to do my very best not to do those things. Today's scolding, if you will, was quite the wake up call in several areas of my life. If I'm not willing to step up and joyfully, willingly, embrace His will for my life, not only am I missing out on all that He has planned for me, I am also not having the Kingdom impact that I should be, or that I am capable of because I have chosen not to be who He's designed me to be.

1 Corintians 12:27 states that we are the body of Christ and each one of us is a part of it. I think not only do we have to accept our role in that body of Christ, we have to live it to it's fullness. If I am say, the hand on this body and I accept that I'm the hand, yet live my life broken or say, asleep, not functioning to my fullest, then is this hand truly any good to the body? If it doesn't function the way it should or just hangs there limp then it is virtually useless. I think God has shown me that I have to do more than just be part of the body, I have to function in His good and perfect will, with a joyful, expectant heart, not just out of obedience.

One thing is for sure, He never, ever stops teaching me, forever, growing me, molding me, shaping me, painting me to be the picture He has in mind. I'm so grateful for His perfect grace and mercy because it's something I am so repeatedly in need of.

God is good, all the time, all the time, God is good.

What I learned

So I'm about done with therapy this time around. I'm feeling much better, much more clear headed, processing things much easier. Took a little longer than I expected, but it is what it is.

Each time I muddle through this I always come out on the other side, stronger and wiser than I was going in. I know that each trial I go through is an opportunity for God to teach me something, to stretch me and help me grow. I'm never happy going into it, but when I finally step out of it I can see God's finger print through it all and it's glorious.

This time around has been no different. I learned things about myself that I didn't realize I did. For example, I have what my therapist calls "floating anxiety". Not sure if that's a true psychological term but that's what he called it. When things are going well, it freaks me out a bit, like it can't possibly really all be "that" good so my mind races for something to be anxious about. This time around I had lots to choose from. I have learned to identify that it happens, so will now be more aware of it when I start to do that and will hopefully be able to head it off before I fixate on something that doesn't need to be fixated on. God says "be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Phil4:6-7). This is something that I must, without fail, go to instead of the anxiety.

Mostly though, what I learned is that I am not in control and that's okay. The success or failure of whatever it is I am involved in does not rest solely on my shoulders. Even if it's something I'm leading or "in charge" of. Ultimately God is in control and all He asks of me is that I do my best and do things according to His will, He will take care of the rest. I need to pray, and I need to listen.

I've also learned that failure is not a bad thing. You would think I'd have figured this out by now considering I am an artist and experience that regularly. However, in the studio, I can just gesso over it and start something new. As you may have noticed, this blog is called Life OUTSIDE the Studio, you can't just gesso over life. However, there will be failures in life and I can learn from them.

I have also learned that when I do fail at something, people will still like me. My character is not determined by what I succeed or fail at but how I handle myself in both situations. Something my therapist is always quick to do is point out how I react to people and situations. Do I no longer like someone because they didn't succeed at something? Of course not! So why should I assume that people will have that reaction towards me in the same situation? People offer grace and understanding and more often than not are willing to stand beside you and help hold you up through your failures and encourage you to try again and be there to celebrate with you when you succeed.

In closing I would just like to add a small PSA: therapy is not a bad thing, it's a healthy thing. It doesn't mean you're crazy or out of control. It means you are seeking council in how to be a better person, it allows you to process your thoughts and emotions in a safe way.  Choose your therapist carefully and find one that speaks truth.. The therapist I see, is a Christian, however, he is not a Christian therapist, I know this because I asked him before I saw him the first time. It's okay to ask questions before you make your choice and it's okay to move on to a different one if the one you choose to see isn't working out like you thought. I have been through 3 others before I found this one.

 If you have any questions about therapy please don't hesitate to ask, as you can see, I don't mind sharing.

Hearing from God

So yesterday was another banner day in therapy. I have this love hate relationship with break thrus because on one hand it tells me part of what my issues are and I can then move forward and fix and heal those things. On the other hand it shows me where I'm vulnerable and broken. Often times these break thrus are things that I wasn't even aware of that I was doing or feeling or being.

Most the time my therapist just annoys me and makes me angry. Asks me all kinds of stupid things, says blatant, obvious things that in and of themselves are not bad, it's just the way he says them. Of course I know that if I fail at something the world is not going to come to an end. I know that this is his way of making me see how irrational I'm being though. It is these things he says though that make me think and make me process and I'm certain that's his reason for doing such things. If ever I leave a session with him and I'm not a little irritated with him I think it was a wasted session. Nothing gets your head spinning more than being angry with someone. It's been proven that if you have a conversation with someone that is less than friendly you can usually repeat word for word what the conversation was. However if you have a nice conversation with someone most the time you can remember bits and pieces or a general feeling but not exact words. I believe that by leaving there a little annoyed I'm able to then reprocess all we talked about and sort through everything.

Yesterday we discovered that I am fearful. Really?? How can that be? The Bible tells me that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self-control. I don't feel afraid. We're not talking big bugs in Costa Rica kind of fear, that fear is totally rational, have you SEEN the size of those bugs?? This is a deep seated, fear of failure kind of thing. Not only the what if I fail kind of thing but the what will people think of me if I fail. The things that God is asking me to do aren't things that only happen in my studio so if I fail no one sees. No, these are BIG things, things that everyone is going to see. In going through my life's events I don't think I've ever put myself out there to do something that I thought I might fail at. I've always thought that for the most part I've been pretty secure in who I am and what I can do. Then God happens.

God asks me to do these things that I'm not so secure in. He asks me to step out in faith and do things I feel like I'm going to fail at. I know that He asks me these things because I need to trust in Him and know that He will make them not fail. They were His ideas in the first place.

So okay. Last night, I crawl into bed and decide I feel like reading, but not my Ted Dekker book, something else, but what?? So I pick up an art book that I'd been reading but haven't touched in a couple months called An Army Uprising by Christ John Otto. I pick it up and start where I left off. It's the story of Gideon, the part of the story where God tells Gideon to send home all of those that are afraid and 2/3 of his army just leaves. Then they go down to the river to drink and God tells him to send home all of those that kneel down to drink from it. That leaves Gideon with 300 soldiers to fight this battle. Can you just imagine how ridiculous Gideon must think this is?? Then in the book, the author says this:

     "Maybe there was more here. Maybe these 300 men were fearless because they were not
       afraid of what others thought of them. Maybe they were the kind of men who knew who
       they were, maybe they stood up because they were always prepared. Maybe they were
       free of the spirit of slavery. Maybe they were the kind of men who were willing to do
       anything no matter how strange or odd. Maybe they were the kind of people that God 
       could actually use because they had gotten over their hang-ups"

Whoa! Did you read what just happened there? Here I am, trying to process the notion that right now my biggest hang-up is that I am afraid of what people will think of me if I fail, and I believe that it was God who told me to pick up this book to read and right there in black and white the author says that. Now, I don't know if that's why God chose those men, we may never know. However, I believe that God needed me to read that. So of course I'm sucked into this book now because I'm certain that God has other things He wants to tell me, so I read on. Then the author says this:

     "Gideon had to make a choice to believe what God was saying about him. For we, who
       are called to the front line need to make a decision. Will we embrace the thing that is
       in us? Will we embrace the call to the creative life, whatever form that may take? This 
       is a dangerous choice to make, it will require sacrifice, change, and may also impact 
       the lives of others." 

Oh man, this book is speaking right to my heart. Right to the things that have been revealed to me that I am struggling with. I tell ya I was just about to jump right out of my skin. Jerry was in bed next to me sound asleep and it took great restraint not to wake him up and tell him about all of this.

Finally the end of the chapter closes in a prayer that is a prayer that I am now praying:

     "Abba Father, thank you for the call to join the army of artists in this moment in time. I
       have not understood all that you have for me, and have been frustrated at times because
       I could not walk into my destiny. I ask you to encounter me, to name me, and shape me.
       As I embrace your call on my life for this moment, I surrender to your plan. I say 'let it
       be me according to your word.' May I be part of the story that you are writing. All this
       I pray in the name of Jesus Christ the Living Word, Amen."

So today I am processing and reading and thinking and praying. God remove this spirit of fear from me, it has no place in me for You are in me.

Costa Rica update

 So, these are the walls. The walls that the powers that be at Hogar De Vida, the orphanage in Costa Rica that I'll be going to in February, have decided we should paint. Yeah, a little intimidating for sure!!

You know how you have thoughts in your head about how things should be? Well, this is nothing like anything that was in my head!!!

I do have to say that there will be a team coming in January from another church that will prime them for us, so they will be white. That I can visualize for sure. However, the enormity of their sheer size. My goodness!!! Each panel is at least

6ft x 6ft!!. The one really large one, they have opinions about what we should do on it. Oh boy, opinions equal expectations. God what have you gotten me into???

One thing is for sure, God is stretching me this season. I feel like this is a lesson is trusting Him. At this point, I feel like I truly have no other option. I do not know what to do with these walls. All I can do is trust that He will guide us. I have an amazing team and they all have creative minds and I have no doubt that they will have ideas I have not dreamed of and that God has had control of.

We have begun our meetings as a team, which just makes this all so real. This is really going to happen. I'm trying to really lean into the excitement of the other team members and just really glean and learn from each of them. Especially those that have been there before, that are already familiar with the wonder that is Hogar de Vida.

A little bit about this place we're going; Hogar de Vida means, Home of Light. It is located in Atenas Costa Rica.  There are roughly 30 children from infants to about 6th grade that call this place home. They've been taken from homes that were anything but light. Here at Hogar de Vida, they receive shelter, education, nutrition and most of all love. This is a place they encounter Christ and His love. I find it just amazing that there are people that are able and willing to take these children in. That seems like such a huge daunting task to me. My heart would shatter into a million pieces for each child every time. How do you work past that? I'm so grateful that God has put people like Tim and Dena in the position and the calling to do this and for all the people that work there day in and day out loving on these children.

I guess also, since I have your attention I should mention that this trip will cost about $1500.00. I fully trust that since this was God's idea He'll make sure that I raise that amount of money. However, I do have to do my part and ask for the support. I must stress though that it's not just the monetary support I so very much need but also the support of your prayers for myself and our whole team.

Anyways, if you do want to donate, you can always send a check to:

Lakeland Community Church
N3181 Hwy 67
Lake Geneva Wi 53147

Please just put "Costa Rica" in the memo of the check  but not my name anywhere on the check.

Or of course in this age of fabulous technology you can always donate online using THIS link, there will be a place to put my name in.

Of course all donations are tax deductible, just let me know and I'll be sure to get you a tax form if you let me know.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this leaning experience. I believe that in this, God is going to reveal Himself in little pieces, layer by layer and if I'm not trusting in Him and paying attention I might miss something. You can bet that I am hyper-focused on Him right now. I don't want to miss a thing!!

the little things

If you know me at all, you know I love my husband. There are not words in my vocabulary to accurately describe how much I love my husband.

There is just something so incredible about our marriage and if you would've talked to me about what I thought marriage would be like before I was married, our marriage is NOT what I would've described. This is totally not what I had in mind. I don't think my mind could've fathomed something quite so wonderful.

Just a little background on us; we met in school, begun dating in our senior year. I am not shy now, nor was I then. We hung out with the same group of friends but weren't exactly friends ourselves. However, one day I just plopped myself down on his lap. He didn't say so then, but I later learned he didn't really think that was okay. LOL. I'm so glad I did it!

We dated for a little over 5 years before getting married in May of 1991. It snowed on our wedding day. Thank you midwest weather for forever keeping us on our toes. It was lovely and full of residual effects from the 80's, big hair, poofy shoulders on my wedding dress, the whole 9 yards, well, minus any fluorescent colors thank goodness.

We have been married now about 23.5 years and it's been good. I let you in a little secret, we don't fight. We never have. So you may say, oh well that's not healthy, you need to do that. I think we would if we ever had anything to fight about but we don't. One thing we do really well is communication. We talk, we share and we compromise and we are respectful of one another.

I'd love to tell you our marriage is so awesome because we've always put God first. We haven't. We've always believed in God, but up until about 7 years ago He wasn't really part of our marriage. I can tell you though that since God has become the center of our lives, our marriage is even better, everything is better.

If I had one thing to share to other married couples it would be to do the little things. The little things that don't really seem like a big deal to you, but to your spouse can mean the world.

For example, Jerry always goes to bed way before I do, almost always asleep before I get into bed. However every night when I go to get into bed, he's fluffed my pillows for me. It's not really a big deal, I mean it takes nothing to fluff my own pillows. Yet he knows it's something I like to do before I get into bed so he does it for me. That little gesture just means so much and shows me that he loves me.

In our house we take medicine, some of us more than others, because of this we have those daily pill containers. I fill his up every time I fill my own. It's not really a big deal, but I know he appreciates it and I'm happy to do it because it makes him happy. It takes me literally 5 minutes to do it.

Something we've been intentionally doing lately is leaving each other little unexpected love notes. They're not long lengthy mushy gushy things, just a couple sentences here and there tucked in places you don't expect to find them. I LOVE this.

So what "little thing" can you do for your spouse today?

Letter to Mom

There are those times when I think, oh, I need to tell Mom....and then I remember she's not here to tell that too. This is not one of those times. I am ever so painfully aware that she is not here for me to tell her. There's so much I want to tell her. Yeah, yeah, I know, she knows, I can talk to her anyways, blah blah blah, it's not the same and anyone whose lost someone close knows that. I can't see her excitement or hear her laughter. I can't hug her, it's not tangible

Sometimes I'm afraid I look like a hypocrite because until she got sick I didn't have the greatest relationship with her. That 6 months healed a life time of hurts and disappointments. That's the Mom I want to tell things too.

I want to tell her about Costa Rica, I'm not so sure she'd care much about that, but it's kind of a big thing right now in my life and she'd care about that and she'd want to hear about it when I got home.

However, mostly, it's Kellie's wedding. The one thing I remember so clearly the day they told us she wasn't going to get better, the day the doctor said she had cancer and it was incurable, I remember thinking, she'll never see my daughters get married. Now here I am faced with just that. Oh, she would have been so excited! I just know that my phone would have rang often with her wanting to know the plans and share ideas. I'm sure it would have annoyed me at some point, but I'd welcome that now. In talking with my Dad the other day he said she talked about that, how she wished she'd be able to be here for that. This one will be hard because it's the first one, but, I don't imagine the others will be much easier. She loved all her grandkids so much. She would've had joy in this.

I have twinges of frustration with God for taking her so she couldn't be here for this, but I wouldn't want to lose the gifts He gave during her illness and death. We all grew so much in that time. Wounds healed, love was shared, and there was joy in the sorrow. I want to imagine that she's up in heaven watching but the joy of this would pale in comparison to the joy of praising her heavenly Father. I don't want to imagine taking that away from her.

I do so miss her.

My Journey to Costa Rica

As I mentioned in my last post, this missions trip in February to Costa Rica is a bit of a stretch for me. However, God in His awesomeness prevails and I am stepping forward in obedience to His calling.

This trip is taking up a lot of head space I'm finding and we haven't even had our first planning meeting. I don't even have a full team yet. Of course that might be part of the head space problem as I pray through and try to invite and encourage the people that I feel God calling me to ask to come along on this adventure.

Some of the "big picture" stuff is mostly ironed out and since I'm a "big picture" person, I have some peace in that. No longer am I concerned as to where and how the paint for this endeavor is going to come from. God graciously has set people in place for that. I love how when I surrender it and just let Him handle it He sets things in my lap so nicely as if to say "finally Lisa". You would think that with all my experience with trying to control things and how well that doesn't work I'd learn to give it up sooner, but I just can't seem to get that through my head. Also, how silly of me to stress about it in the first place because as my sweet friend Naomi reminded me, God isn't going to call me to go paint murals and then not provide the paint for which to do it with. Thankfully I'm not much of a details person because I've have a sneaking suspicion that none of those are going to go as planned anyways. LOL

As I've been trying to process through all of this I've been really seeking and calling out to God to help me sort through all these emotions. I've been spending a lot of time in my art studio which is a place that I find His presence to be so overwhelming. Often times I just soak in Him while I'm down there and it's beautiful. I've been asking for a heart of desire for this trip, and again my sweet friend Naomi keeps telling me I'm excited for it I just don't want to say it out loud, I'm not so sure about that. I have however, through all this seeking and searching and learning, come to discover that although I may not be excited to go to Costa Rica with all the bugs, I am truly excited to see what God has to show me through this entire process and specifically while I'm there. This is the perspective that I can completely wrap my head around. God's blessings are abundant and lovely and how could you not want what He has in store for you?

I had coffee with another sweet friend (I'm blessed with a lot of those :)) Noelle, who just returned from her trip there. I asked her what she thought of it and she gave the most beautiful description of it and it has been comforting my heart ever since. She told me that it's like "a blanket of God just lays over you". What an amazing word picture that is! I just can't get that idea out of my head, it's such a glorious description and I'm anxious to experience that for myself.

I've kind of decided to blog through this journey here, partly in the hopes to clear out some of that head space, but also to share this journey with those of you that care to join me. I hope you'll read and learn and enjoy right along with me.

I'm going to Costa Rica

Would you just look at that??!!! In my humble opinion there is no reason on this earth to have bugs that size!!! It's not okay AT ALL!!!! Where can you find a bug of that size you ask, well Costa Rica of course. So why would someone who is deathly afraid of bugs larger than a dime that cannot be stepped on without making a disgusting, horrible noise, who cries at even the thought of having to be in a country that these things live, be going to Costa Rica?  Well, because God thinks it would be a splendid idea, that's why. I on the other hand am not so sure about that. So here's the story of how I came to the conclusion that bugs or no bugs, I'm going.

I remember well the Sunday that Pastor Josh introduced us to the the orphanage Hogar De Vida through a video he showed at church. I thought, oh my goodness what an amazing place to go and serve and make a difference and love on those sweet children. Then it happened....the part of the video that showed a tarantula crawling out of a hole in a wall. Nope, not going to serve and make a difference and love on sweet children. This was CLEARLY not a place for me, this was a place for OTHER people to go to. I would happily pray and support them from the good ol US of A.

We've sent several teams over there since the showing of that video and without fail many have returned glowing and changed and swearing they never saw bugs and telling me I should go. However, just cause you didn't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there.

So fast forward to last year when my husband faced his Nineveh and went to Costa Rica. He came home with this "thing"about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on but was so very jealous for. So I asked him about the bugs, because of course he wouldn't lie to me, and he didn't. He shared a story of a very large spider that was in the bathroom. The bathroom of all places, you can't NOT use the bathroom. So however jealous for that "thing"he had, I was given pause by the whole giant spider thing.

Well, this past spring we sent another team, a team of guys to do tech stuff, some I'd call friends, others I'd call acquaintances. When they returned every single one of them in a span of about 3 weeks came to me and told me I needed to go there and paint murals. HA!! Yeah right, I've never painted a mural in my life, and lets not forget the bugs of extraordinary size that live there. Move along!!

Enter God....a God who is relentless, who doesn't give up when He has something He wants you to do, something He wants you to experience, something that is part of your path. Oh I wrestled with Him, I told Him NO, I cried at Him, I begged Him even, and God in His greatness wouldn't budge. Costa Rica was every where I turned, I'd wake up in the morning and it'd be in my head, I'd go to bed at night and dream about painting murals in Costa Rica. I'd go to the store and Costa Rican products would beat me about the head. It wouldn't go away!!! So finally, I gave in, I told God I would go. However, I thought, the next trip I could go on wouldn't be until next summer and possibly He would forget or I could bargain my way out of it by then. I also falsely believed that my agreement to go would mean the end of the daily beatings of Costa Rica. That was not the case!

Shortly after I agreed, God began to strongly press it upon my heart that I needed to tell Pastor Josh about this idea of God's. I thought how silly, it's a year away!! His wife is getting ready to leave on the most recent trip to Costa Rica and he's about to embark on 10 days or so of being a single dad. Why on earth does he need to know this now, it can wait. However, come that Sunday in church I felt if I didn't go tell Josh I needed to talk that I was going to burst, literally! Josh indulged me and we set up a meeting for Monday.

So we sit down and the first words out of my mouth were, "I'm supposed to go to Costa Rica", to which Josh replied "What?? This was what was so important you had to meet me now? That's a year away!!". So then I began to fill him in on God's ideas and suddenly the reason for the urgency became apparent as we discussed. Many plans to make but mostly the need to go during dry season, which is NOT in the summer, it's in the winter, which will be upon us before we know it. The time to announce this and move forward with it is now.

So many have asked and I have asked myself, is my fear of bugs REALLY that extreme that I would not want to experience this. I'm not gonna lie, that's huge, just like the bugs, however, as I've prayed and sorted through all these emotions I'm dealing with I've come to discover that it's much more than just big bugs.

There are a lot of things that give me pause, I'm not afraid to fly, it's just not my favorite, and that's a lot of flying. I also remember how difficult it was for me to be away from Jerry when he was gone, so that of course gives me pause. However,  in my searching, I have come to discover what truly is my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is the changes and growing and learning that God is about to spew all over my life that scares me the most. My life is good, I am happy, joyful even. I know from past experiences that when God decides I need to learn and grow, my life gets messy and complicated. I don't like messy and complicated. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that when all is said and done and the dust settles I will be much better for it all, it's just the getting there that makes me weak in the knees.

So with a heart of obedience that I'm praying desperately to become a heart of desire, at the end of February I will board a plane to Costa Rica. I want to apologize in advance to the team that joins me, I will cry and I will probably cry a lot...daily. One thing I do know with great certainty, that God has brought me to this, He will see me through this and when I come home, I too will have that "thing"


P.S. prayers and donations greatly appreciated :)

The Journey of Art

So things have happened to my art in the last couple years and even though it's MY art I just seem powerless to stop it. This is a photo of my very first canvas ever, last I knew it hangs in the bedroom of one of my pastors daughters. Could have moved on from there I suppose, who knows. As long as someone is loving it. 

If anyone knows anything about me and my art they know that describing my art as "cute" is as good as an insult....or at least it was. Sigh. Something has happened and I cannot seem to produce things that don't scream cute. 

This is a piece I did earlier in the year, what the heck is that???? Yep, it's cute. The birds are cute, the flowers are cute, the hearts are cute, just cute threw up all over this piece and I was powerless to stop it. Furthermore, it sold!!

As I looked back over my art blog I find pieces that I've done over the years that I just love, love, love! 

This is one of my most favorite pieces I've ever created. I put it in the frame top of a trinket box that I altered. It ultimately ended up going home with a couple at one of the art fairs I did several years ago. I had such joy in this sale because the couple spent a considerable time in my booth and chose carefully and deliberately what the wanted to take home with them. This isn't cute. This is charming, and touching and beautiful and lovely, anything but cute. 

So what happened?? Well, I got healthy, mentally and physically healthy. At least that's what I'm going with. I can remember being in therapy shortly after my mom died and complaining to him about how I hated where my art was going. Years previous when I'd been in therapy I turned out pieces like this.

A piece that was so full of emotion, a piece that truly spoke of my soul and the turmoil I was in at the time. My art had feeling and gave me such release that I HAD to spend time in my studio or I would internally combust if I didn't get it out. 

Now, there is no turmoil, only joy, and contentment. No deep brooding emotion and pain that needs to be conveyed and spewed out onto canvas so I don't choke on it. I've discovered that joy makes art that looks like this. 

 When I showed my therapist recent pieces I had done, he was shocked to see how my art had progressed. Then, as I expressed my disgust and frustration with it, he said something that struck me, and I at first rejected his idea, but as I processed it more in the days after I think he may be right (that's why I pay him the big bucks right?), he said "I think your art may be more you than you think it is".

So I guess what I'm saying in all of this is, I'm embracing cute, if cute means that I am in a place of health and joy then I'll take it. So go ahead, call it cute, I'm sure it'll grow on me :)

Rough day.

Just was going about my day at work and all was just so good. I love my job. I came up from downstairs and around the corner into the front part of the store and there she was. This beautiful, tiny little woman shopping with her granddaughter. What made her different, what made her stand out to me, was the fact that she was bald, and that she was wearing a scarf. That tell tale sign of cancer and chemo treatments. It was like all the air was sucked right out of me. It physically knocked me backwards.
It's not that I haven't seen anyone going through chemo since my mom died. However, today it was too much, I'm just too raw.

There's this "holiday" coming up that seems to be accosting me at every turn. TV ads, facebook ads, spam emails, Pinterest pins, in store ads, radio ads. It's every where!! I cannot escape the fact that a week from tomorrow is Mothers day. Mothers day, like birthday's was never a big to do in our family. However, this year I feel like every where I turn I'm being reminded that I don't have a Mom. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I am a Mom, but I just cannot seem to shake the other sentiment, that I don't have a Mom anymore. I have awesome kids who love me, and I love being a Mom. Yet it's all over shadowed right now by the fact that my Mom is gone, that I don't have a Mom to say Happy Mothers Day to.

So today was not a good day, today was a hard day, an exhausting day, a day of lots and lots of tears. A day when I really, really miss my Mom. A day when I wish I could call her, could hear her voice, could hear her laugh, could hug her. Today is a day that I am painfully aware of the giant mom sized hole in my heart. Yes, I know she is in Glory and I'm so happy for her, however, today I'm missing her, painfully missing her.

Yes, Mothers day is a week from tomorrow, however, hug your mom, talk to your mom, tell her you love her, every day, not just on Mothers Day. I try not to have regrets, try not to live in the wouldda, shouldda, couldda moments, but today I just can't help it, it's looming large.

If you still have your mom, go call her, tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

Happy Birthday Mom

Tomorrow is April 19th, it would have been my Mom's 66th birthday. Our family has never made birthday's a very big deal once our kids get a bit older. Not big on classmate parties, or big sleep overs or anything like that. I think I was in my 30's and my Mom told me I was too old for presents LOL. I just reminded her she was older than me so that must hold true for her as well. So truly for many years acknowledging my Mom's birthday was usually no more than a phone call to wish her happy birthday.

So why then is the fact that tomorrow is her birthday, a day I hardly batted an eye at, beating me up so badly? I've been willing April 18th to go slowly so I don't have to get to that day that I should call her and can't. This whole not having a Mom thing is so strange. It's no secret that Mom and I didn't have the closest relationship, but we loved each other and we understood each other. The last 6 months of her life were, I think, the closest we'd ever been; we were friends finally. Up till then, I'd go weeks sometimes without talking to her. However, I always called her on her birthday.

This too shall pass, as will every other "1st" that we'll go through this first year of not having a Mom. I try to focus on the fact that she's dancing with Jesus. I doubt they actually have birthdays in heaven but I like to imagine that there is a really big celebration for her just the same.

Happy Birthday Mom, I miss you.

Waiting

Our pastor Josh just got done with a sermon series called Seasons. One of those seasons was a season of just "being", of waiting. I didn't think I was there because I had so much else going on, but as things have unfolded the last couple weeks I'm starting to think that's exactly where I am. I remember this place, I've been here before, don't think I like it anymore this time around than I did before. It makes me feel like I don't have a purpose.

No longer identified by a job, no longer identified as a small group leader, no longer identified as a care giver to my mom and so now I'm not real sure where that leaves my identity. I feel like I'm starting all over again and I'm not really sure where the beginning is. I'm trying to be patient and listen for God to tell me and show me whats next, I'm just not very good at that part.

I do know that there is change on the horizon. Possibly a new job, hopefully a new small group and embracing this strange new art I've embarked on that feels just so not me. Trying to get to a place where I can accept my diabetes and the changes it has imposed on my life and move on without all the anger I have about it. Also trying to adjust to not having a mom which I'm starting to realize is going to be harder than I anticipated.

I'm trying to embrace this, to grow and learn in this place, however, I find myself being impatient and restless.   I do have a game plan, which is always good to have. In this place I will continue to find things to be grateful for each day. In this place I will seek God, I will listen for His still small voice. And yes, I will wait, I will "be", I will do my best to dance in the hallway until He opens just the right door, at just the right time when I am ready to walk through it.

Running...Away...Running....To....

There is this thing going on in my life right now where I can't help but wonder why I'm here again. I thought I beat this, yet here it is again. This big, black looming precipice that I'm terrified that if I take my eye off God for just a split second that I'm going to tumble head long into. The idea of clawing my way back out of that darkness is daunting to me. I feel too old, too tired to want to fight that battle again. Yet I look at what's going on in my life right now and I'm not so sure that this is much more fun. Trying to juggle being daughter, mom, wife, and me which is usually not a problem and I do it happily, joyfully, longingly, lovingly. Yet trying to balance that on this thin line between that precipice and this one is becoming challenging.

I'm no dummy, I know where my help comes from, it comes from the Lord, so that is where I focus my attention, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. That is first and foremost. Secondly I've started therapy again to help me make sense of this jumble my life has become suddenly without any warning. Third, I've started exercising regularly, part because of the science of the endorphins, part because my health now requires it.

This weird thing has happened with the whole exercise thing, it's become primal. I have this deep seated desire to run, just run, run, and run and run. No, all you exercise guru's it's not because I like it or I get that high from running. It's because I feel like if I just keep running, just keep going I'll some how get away from that hole. My thighs are screaming at me, my hip joints feel like they're going to crumble, yet all my mind can think of is if I could just run again, maybe when I stop I'll be far enough away that things will be sunny and glorious again.

Please know that I will be okay, I can already feel the edges of hope starting to glimmer in the distance. I wasn't kidding when I said Gratefulness is the road to Joyfulness. Instead of trying to find Joy all on it's own, or scramble for superficial things to fill the darkness with light, I am focusing on Gratefulness. Through that,  there is Hope, there is Joy, there is God.

Through prayer and support, this gap that I'm trying to run away from will start to shrink, and eventually go away. The one thing that is different about this time, is that I feel like I'm learning as I go, that although the darkness looms, I'm learning to maneuver though it to come out the other side of this, stronger, wiser and closer to my God.