Overwhelming art.

On the morning of September 21st, the day after our churches annual meeting, I woke up with an idea. It was an idea that was so clear, and so fully formed that I knew it wasn't my own idea, so I welcomed it and knew eventually it would happen. However, life is busy, and sadly most often my art is what loses out. This was however, an idea that was birthed of the Holy Spirit so it would not sit quietly and wait for long. Shortly after, with some not so gentle nudging from God,  I approached my pastor about putting up some artwork at church and just vaguely explained the idea and got his approval to hang it.

Next was deciding where at church to hang it so I knew what size canvas to get. The wall we chose is quite large, so a 5x6 foot canvas is what I purchased. (getting it home was surely an adventure I won't soon forget). I made my templates and started working on cutting out some paper dolls in my spare time. I was still sort of just taking my time, figuring that I wouldn't need to hurry and I could just do it at my own pace, I had no deadline.

Then the day came when I had decided I would tackle my back ground. I had a feeling I was in trouble when I started to unwrap the plastic from it and I was overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. However, I just chalked it up to the fact that it was so large and it had been a while since I'd done any canvas work, (never mind the fact that I cry often and easily).

I picked my paint colors and began painting on the background colors. As I was painting, an idea that had come to mind a few days early showed up again. The idea that my church family should be part of this. Since this was to represent that we were all moving together, yet, in our own uniqueness, in disciplining others to know Jesus and experience life in Him, maybe this was truly bigger than just me. However, as I had earlier, I dismissed the idea as ridiculous and moved on. Well, about half way through getting the background painted,  the overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to share this idea with my pastor was almost crippling. I set my paint brush down, emailed my pastor, nearly begging him to not like the idea so I didn't have to be responsible for all that. Of course he loved the idea and then all of the sudden I had a deadline.

So I figured out how many dolls I was going to need to cover the canvas the way I wanted it. To say I was shocked that it was going to take so many was an understatement. Good thing I have so many good, and willing friends and family that can cut out paper dolls while we have great conversations or watch TV together. Forever grateful for them all.

All the dolls were all brought to church for 2 Sundays in a row and set out for people to sign them. I then had 2 weeks to get the canvas done. To say that I greatly underestimated the amount of time this would take to complete is an understatement. I would spend hours getting the dolls onto the canvas only to step back and take a look and it wouldn't look any further along than it had when I first started it. Outlining them after they were all on the canvas took an entire 8 hours. I never anticipated that.

Another thing I didn't anticipated is the way that God spoke to me through it. He asked that I pray for each person as I put them on the canvas. Not just general prayers but real true personal prayers. For most of them there was no way for me to know who this person was who had written their name. As I placed each one on the canvas  I placed my hand over it and He spoke to me about the needs of each person. There were some that were quick easy prayers and then there were some that flooded me with emotion and I had to pause and pray fervently as the tears would flow.  I was extremely overwhelmed by the weight of  this piece and truly in awe that God had chosen me to be part of this.

That part, the part right there, when it becomes not merely something I do, but something that God does through my art that I so desperately wish I could fully and adequately explain to people in such a way that you could get a glimpse into the experience. Holy Spirit lead art, for me, is a more personal and intimate than any worship experience, and prayer time, and any time in the word that I have ever experienced. No Jesus Culture concert, no Women's conference or Good Friday or Christmas Eve service comes even close in comparison. It is no longer I that am creating, but God creating through me. Each stroke of the brush is from God, each color choice, image placement, medium used, is Gods.

At the end of it, when the piece is completed, when it is given away, hung up or presented I walk away humbled from the experience, and wishing I could just blend into the background and not be part of the recognition of it all. I'm emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and it usually takes me a day or two to recover from the experience. I so desperately want to sit in that space forever, to feel the closeness of my Maker, to feel His hand in mine, to so clearly hear His words guiding me along. Sadly the noise of the world and the every day grind creeps in and takes over....until the next time. I can't wait for the next time.

A Warrior? Who? Me?

Some time ago God told me He sees me as a warrior. I thought that was the silliest thing ever. Me, a warrior? Ridiculous! For the life of me I couldn't see what He saw so I tucked it away for a later time when maybe it would make sense. Well, it's beginning to....

I've been involved in ministry in one way or another for about the last 8 or 9 years, kids ministry, host team and small group ministry. I have loved it all! However, until now it hasn't really been all that challenging.

Now, I've stepped into a role in ministry that seems to consume me. I should preface this by saying that this consumption is a good thing. It's this thing where it consumes me because I want so desperately to do well that which I've been called to do at this stage in my journey. Growing the Kingdom of God is not something to be taken lightly.

As I look back it seems to have begun in Costa Rica when I asked God to reveal to me just how exactly He expected me to lead. He gave me Ephesians 4:1-3, '.....walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.' Doesn't seem any less of a daunting task now than it did then, however, I have come to understand that He doesn't expect me to be and do all those things on my own, for without Him, I cannot accomplish anything.

I have stepped into a role in ministry as a coach of small group leaders. Being a leader of leaders, oh my! When I sit down with these men and women that have embraced their ability to love on others, to encourage others and through all this are making a Kingdom impact, I'm humbled to think that God has positioned me in such a place to come along side these people and lead them. This is not a role to take lightly, something that I should be consumed by, something this important cannot be a part time commitment.

So when through my studies God repeatedly takes me to passages of battles, that term warrior keeps making an appearance. Through every battle there is a reoccurring theme, if they listen and obey God and do as He has commanded, they win. If they follow their own strategy and stray from the path that God has set before them, they lose. If their leader, the warrior in charge, doesn't fear God and lead his army to do the same, defeat is inevitable. However, when they listen to God and obey His commands they win battles in sometimes ridiculous ways that one cannot question that it is a battle won by the Lord.

This mornings reading took me to a place in my Bible that I had journaled as I was preparing to go to Costa Rica,  Joshua 1. It is the passage where Moses has died and God has commissioned Joshua to take his place and lead His people into the Promise Land. In this passage God reminds Joshua not to stray from what the Book of the Law says, in verse 8 God says 'This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous and then you will have good success.' A perfect reminder that I cannot fight this battle, I cannot win this war, if I am not consistently immersed in the Word of God.

So okay, I suppose Warrior might be a "thing", however, one thing is for certain, it is a not a role I take lightly. I believe that I am in the most important battle of my life, growing the Kingdom of God and leading others to do the same. All the while praying, reading, listening and obeying the commands of the King, for it is only through this that I will be successful.

Being eaten, one nibble at a time.

So there's this thing that's been gnawing at me for a while. I keep feeding it snacks in hope to keep it at bay, but it's becoming ravenous and pretty soon it will consume me entirely. The problem is I cannot for the life of me figure out how to fit it in.

I have this deep, burning, needful, desire to totally throw myself into a great big giant messy paint filled canvas of amazing awesomeness. I have visions of rolling out canvas in the middle of my living room floor and painting with my fingers, my hands, my elbows, my knees and my feet. To feel the coolness of the paint just seeping into my pores. To spend days finding paint that I didn't know was there to wash off.

I have ideas and thoughts and visions in my head of things to do, big, bold, colorful, loud fabulous ideas. Things that I'm trying so desperately to appease into calmness by doodling my refrigerator, journaling in my Bible and random doodles left willy nilly all over the place at work.

Life keeps happening. Work keeps happening. Time keeps sucking away. How do I fit it all in?

Always A Choice.

ADOPTION:
1: to take legally as one's own child
2 : to take as one's own 
3 : to accept formally 

Adoption plays a big part in our life. We have 1 daughter that we adopted when she was a year old, and another that we adopted as an adult. I myself have been adopted by my Dad. My husbands side of the family has had several adoptions through the years. Adoption is an awesome thing!

Along with my 2 adopted children I also have 3 biological children. So I have experienced both ends of the spectrum. We planned our pregnancies so none of them were a surprise, although we'd have welcomed any had they been. Here's the thing though, adoption is 100% ALWAYS a choice. NEVER can anyone say, "oops, we thought we were careful but, we adopted". Sure, there are probably times when adoptions happen that weren't planned, our first adoption was that way, we weren't looking for it but the opportunity presented itself and we gladly accepted it. However, we still had a choice, we could have chosen not to. When we said yes to adoption we said yes to giving these children a loving, safe, forever home. These children have come into our homes looking for a family, for a mom and a dad and possibly siblings. People to love and be loved by always. Not a temporary home, like foster care or orphanages can be, but a forever home.

My heart is just so grieved by the local news of a family who chose adoption and then chose to abuse their adopted children. My heart is grieved by the fact that for one of our daughters, this is her 2nd adoption. My heart is grieved by the gruesome stories of sweet babies that could have been put up for adoption but were aborted and are now being sold as parts.

Worse then my heart being grieved is that it grieves the heart of God. A loving, caring God who adopted us all into His family if WE choose to be. The enemy is so cruel, he doesn't care how he goes about getting his foothold and spreading hate instead of love. No one is safe, not even the children.

Prayers abound from my heart for all of this. I rest in the promise that Joy will come in the morning, because He is good, all the time, He is good.

A Letter to the Oldest Child

One Sunday as I was sitting in the lobby of our church doing some Bible Journaling, there was a group of young mom's gathered on the couch in front of the fire place sharing stories. One of the things they were talking about was how spoiled their youngest sibling is/was. About all the things that were different about how they were raised vs how their youngest sibling is/was. How they got away with so much more, how they have so much more. Being an oldest child, I totally get this, I too had those same complaints when I was younger, then....I had children of my own.

I have 5 kids, some born to me, some not, some I raised from infancy some didn't become mine till they were older, they're all mine just the same. As I listened to the complaints of the Moms around the fireplace that Sunday morning things stirred in me. As I listen to my own oldest complain about similar things, I feel compelled to explain. So here goes:

That oldest child, the very first born, a culmination of first time excitement and fear all rolled into one. You discover you're pregnant and get to experience that for the very first time, It's all new and strange and fascinating. For the very first time you get to feel the joys and pains of pregnancy and labor and delivery. You have nothing else to compare it to so you do what you think is right based on what the doctor tells you, the countless books and articles you read and advice of women who've been through it before. You make what you feel are the best choices about it all, learning as you go along. However, when the next one comes along, you learn what worked with the first one, what didn't and you start from there.

As you raise your first one, you've never done this before, you have no point of reference for any of this. It's all trial and error. Which bottle to use, what diapers work best, strict schedule or fly by the seat of your pants? What schools are best? Do you spend the money on expensive clothes/shoes or will they grow so fast it's not worth it? Do you let them stay up late on weekends? Can they drink soda? Hold old is old enough to stay home alone? Can they stay at friends houses? When should they learn how to ride a bike? The list is virtually endless and for the most part, you don't have any of the answers.

The next ones come along and you've got the basics down but each child is different and what worked for one may not work for the others. Praises that mean something to one child, another may not care about that. Punishments that worked for one, may not phase the next. Encouragements in certain areas may send one child zooming to excel and the next one may not have that same love language so you have to find one that works for them. There is no magic formula that you can employ to raise each child the same, because thank God, each one is so different.

So, by the time that youngest child comes around, lots of things have happened, your parents have grown older, hopefully they've also grown wiser, but they've certainly grown tired. When that youngest child comes along you've discovered, for the most part, what battles are important, what ones, if handled properly, can be avoided, and what ones aren't even worth having. The things we thought were important when the oldest was young we've come to discover isn't really worth the struggle. Would I like his room to stay clean, yep, sure would, but I'd much rather just shut the door than have that fight. When my oldest was younger I thought that it was important for her to have a clean room, how could I possibly teach her how to keep a house when she's older if I don't make her keep her room clean? Never mind the fact that mine is almost never clean. (do as I say not as I do right?). However, I've learned that when they move out they manage to figure it out and all those battles about the messy room weren't really worth it after all.

The other thing that happens as the oldest grows up and moves out and you only have 1 or 2 left at home that seems to make the oldests think the youngests are spoiled, is as parents we now have more money. The one thing that I remember being so excited about when my oldests moved out was suddenly my shampoo lasted me WEEKS!!! Literally, I used the same shampoo for almost a MONTH!!! Toilet paper was another, by the time grocery day came around again I still had some left from the last grocery day and I didn't go buy any in between!! It was glorious. My water bill went down, my electric/gas bills went down, my grocery bill went down. So things that we gave up years before have now crept back into our lives. We got cable again, we go out to eat more often, we buy steaks more often. We're not spoiling our youngest, we're spoiling ourselves!

So oldests, you got the best and the worst of your parents. You got the best because you were the only child that could ever say they were our only for a time. You are the only one that got our full, undivided attention at all times. You got us when parenthood was a new and fun, an exciting adventure. You were the only one that didn't get sibling hand me downs. You got the worst because you were also the one that we learned what not to do. We're so grateful for those learning experiences with you and hope that as you have children of your own we can share those trials with you so you may learn from them as well. Know this for sure though, we love you all so very, very much, and from oldest to youngest I wouldn't change a thing.

When healing isn't part of God's plan

In July of 2013 my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We were devastated. Her oncologist was insistent that we start treatment immediately, which we were grateful for, yet, also concerned about.

The scans they did showed tumors throughout her liver and her lungs. My Mom didn't want to even see her scans, it was all very frightening to her. We were later to discover that it had also gotten to her bones, and quite possibly her brain.

We all started to say our prayers, asking for God's healing hand to reach down and erase all signs of the cancer from her body. Praying continuously for just that. Our God is the Great Physician, there is nothing He cannot do and we were trusting Him for it.

Several treatments later, her scans were repeated and the tumors in her liver were all but gone, and the one large tumor in her lungs had shrunk considerably. Praise God!! We asked for healing and that's what we were getting....or at least more time with her.

You see, during one of my prayer times with God, as I prayed desperately, pleading for the life of my Mother, God shared with me that healing was not part of His plan. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how His plan didn't include her healing. Further more, how could He share that with me? It took some time before I could ask Him, if healing wasn't part of His plan, what was?

His answer was so beautiful, to this day I can still hear it just as He spoke it, "let me show you My Glory". God had something He wanted to do and my Mom's illness and death was to be part of how He did it. I wish I could say that I was immediately excited to see what He was going to do, but I wasn't. Especially after seeing those scans, I have to admit I thought maybe God had changed His mind. However, it wasn't long after that that we began to see evidence that it wasn't going to "stick". I needed to change my perspective.

So as God had reminded me repeatedly, He was going to show us His Glory, I started to be intentional about watching for it. It wasn't big earth shattering things, just small things, but things that added up.

My Mom's Faith had suddenly blossomed. She was saying things I'd never heard her say before, she had a new Hope that seemed to just run through her. Not only was she saying things about God to us, her family, but it seemed that it just flowed into conversations with everyone. One of my favorite things I remember her saying to one of the chemo nurses was "I see cancer as a win-win, either I'm here on earth praising God or I'm in heaven praising God". God's Glory.

 There was a shift in her attitude and her demeanor, and because of that shift there was also a shift in mine with her as well. Suddenly I found myself having conversations I wished I had been able to have had with her throughout my adult life.  A life time of hurt and misunderstandings gone in a matter of weeks as we sat though her chemo treatments together, talked on the phone, and visited with each other. I suddenly had the relationship with my Mom that I'd always wanted. I was so completely grateful for that opportunity. God's Glory.

My brother had a bit of a falling out with our family for a while, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and things just seemed so far from repair. I missed my brother something fierce and had just resigned myself to understanding that the relationship we once had would probably never be again. Personal conversations just weren't going to happen any more and things were just stiff and informal. Our family would just have this tear in it that we'd all step over and be grateful that it hadn't ripped completely and that we had hung on to small shreds still attached.Then, Mom got sick and suddenly things changed. There was an urgency to make things right, to make things better, to agree to disagree and just love one another. It wasn't a pretty or an easy mending, and there are still some gaps here and there, but we all got a taste of what is important, what matters. I suddenly had my brother back and I am overjoyed. God's Glory.

Through all this I learned to shift perspective. I learned that no matter what I'm going through that if I just try to find God's perspective that I can see things differently than I do through my own eyes. I have found that through Mom's illness I was able to learn how to trust in God in ways that I never had before. I had trusted that He would provide for me and my family, that He would make things good, often times even better than I expected. This was the first time that I knew that He wasn't going to make things all better and good. In the end, my Mom was going to die from this terrible disease. I learned to trust Him in ALL things, even the things that don't turn out all pretty with a bow on top. In ALL things God is good. God's Glory.

My Mother died on January 21st 2014 in a hospital bed in Janesville Mercy Hospital. She was surrounded by her children who all sobbed as we gave her permission to let go and land in the arms of her Heavenly Father. She took her last breath as I read the last line of Psalm 23. It was a beautiful passing, and as much as my heart broke that she was no longer with us I had blessed assurance that she was in Glory, God's Glory.

Part of why I share this story, is to say, that sometimes God's plan is painful. Sometimes healing isn't part of His plan. Sometimes He has plans that are bigger than healing. I look at all the things that have occurred through my Mom's death and if God had chosen to just heal my Mom, yes, we would have had the testimony of a miracle, but we would have missed out on so much more. Over time I imagine that a miracle of Mom's healing would have lost it's luster, it would have become common place in our lives and eventually it may have even been forgotten, or possibly, we might have not even seen it as a miracle. The lessons I learned, the things that God showed me through all of this, continue to help me grow in my walk with God. They have given me wisdom to share with others, a testimony that speaks volumes, one that I think of and repeat often. God's Glory.

God's plan is often nothing like our plan, God's plan, is ALWAYS perfect. God's Glory.

24 Years

24 Years, 24 years as Mrs. Lisa Gifford, that's a glorious thing! I'll be honest when I said I do and imagined 24 years later, this isn't what I imagined. There's no way I could've. Our lives are so much different now than they were then.

The day we said "I Do", in 1991, it snowed. Yes, it snowed. Gotta love Wisconsin weather. Man, we were just kids. I look at my own kids, and yes, I know 2 of them are engaged, yet, I think, you're not old enough to be thinking of getting married. They're just kids. There is so much they don't know yet!

However, I wouldn't change getting married to Jerry at 23 for the world. At the time, I truly felt like he was saving me. Saving me from the mess that I felt my family was, saving me from the financial disasters I'd created, and in essence saving me from myself. He was my safe place. Probably not the healthiest way to step into an life long commitment, but it's what I felt the time. I wasn't wise enough, or mature enough, and no one had taught me that marriage was to be something more than a life preserver.

The first year was exciting and stressful all at the same time. Still kids trying how to figure out how to do all this, then on our first anniversary we brought home our first child. The next year, we adopted our 2nd, the 3rd year we gave birth to our third. Those first years of our marriage is a blur of changing diapers, chasing toddlers, pinching pennies and qualifying trips to the grocery store while my parents watched our daughters for an hour, as a date.

Now 24 years later, all but 2 of our 5 kids are out of the house, 4 of them out of school with our youngest just finishing up his Junior year in high school. Our lives have gone from chasing toddlers, kissing boo-boo's and eating pretend food, to praying that the things we taught our kids along the way will have stuck as they step into adulthood. Trying not to focus on the areas of our parenting where we wish would have known so that we could have done things differently, and trusting that God will fill in the gaps. As for dates, we can date when ever we want to, no sitters, no "need to be home by" time, heck not even planning ahead if we don't want to, we just decide to go and we do, it's a beautiful thing.

In year 24, I no longer feel as though I need him to save me. In the 24 years we've been married, he's encouraged me, he's come along side me, he's given me courage, shares his wisdom, and loves me more deeply that I ever knew was possible.  So yes, I guess he did save me, but in ways I could never have imagined. He saved me by showing me I had worth, by showing me that I could be strong, he saved me by loving me.

In talking with one of our engaged daughters and her fiancee, he told them, "you think you're in love now, and I'm not doubting that you are, but the love you feel for one another now, is minuscule compared to the love you will feel when you've been married as long as we have". Oh so true.  It's like trying to describe what chocolate tastes like to someone whose never ate it. There just aren't words.

One of the biggest, and greatest changes from year 1 to year 24 is that God is the center of our marriage. Not that we weren't both believers when we were first married, however, we just didn't understand that there was more to it than just believing. We didn't understand that whole relationship with God thing. Our marriage might have been good up until we figured out that God needed to be the center of it, but nothing compared to how it is now. It's like comparing a pair of boots from Walmart to a pair of  Frye leather  boots. I thought Walmart boots were good, and cute and yay, they were cheap. Until I got my first pair of Frye boots and oh my goodness, mind blown!! No way would I ever want put a pair of Walmart boots again. (no offense to those that like Walmart boots, just had to speak my language there for a bit LOL).

So, as we start the next 24+ years of our lives together I look forward to all the adventures that await us. I'm already resigned to the fact that it most likely won't look anything like I imagine it will. I cannot presume to know God's plan for our lives, but He's faithful and He's good and I know that no matter what the next chapters of our lives look like that it's what He has in store for us. I'm so grateful each day for the gift of being Mrs. Jerry Gifford II, it's been better than my wildest imagination!

Don't miss it!

What do you pray for? Do you only pray for big things? Only pray for others? Only pray in times of need? Or do you pray each day to see God?

Part of my every day prayer, most times before I even step foot out of my bed, I pray that God would use me to impact the lives of others today. Up until recently I'd pray that and then go about my day hoping and expecting that God would do just that but never really seeing it happen. Being the person that God made me to be interacting with others is second nature. It's not a stretch for me to talk to others, strangers even, to encourage and compliment and share smiles and laughter with people. It's just what I do, it's who I am. So it makes sense that God would use me in that way, it just didn't seem to me that He was.

However, one day about 2 weeks ago, I had a short like 10 minute conversation with a woman. Someone I knew from things she had said over time that she was in a place of loneliness or insecurity. Although I had encouraged her before, but I never really felt like we ever connected. We don't really hang out or talk other than Facebook comments and the occasional "Good Morning" on Sundays. I saw her out and about one day and we chatted and I talked to her about Bible Journaling. Short conversation, however when I walked away I got this nudge in my spirit that told me I'd just made a difference. I remember thinking, "what? how?, I just talked to her.". Then it became clear that, God was using how he made me to do just what I'd asked Him to do. Ummm Duh!!!

I think when I prayed this prayer each morning I expected it to be something big. A moment when I'd get to share my testimony or lead someone to Jesus. Something much more magnificent then a short 10 minute conversation about something I love to do. That just seemed way too simple. From that moment on I begun to look for the little things, for the small ways He was using me to impact the lives of others. I began to think back over time and was able to see that it truly was almost daily He answered my prayer. Wow, would you just look at that! God answered my prayers! Oh what a glorious thing to know that I matter enough to Him that He answers my prayers.

I wonder how many other things I'm missing because I'm looking only for the big things. I think we need to pay attention to the small things that we'll miss if we aren't focused on Him. The big things happen and are really easy for us to spot, however, we must remember that God is in the whisper, and unless you're paying attention, you'll totally miss it.

In the words of Aerosmith...."I don't want to miss a thing".

I found it here

I'm always amazed how God can take something that you learned or experienced months ago and just continue to grow on that moment. I think we all have things that we can look back and say, "that is when He started this work in me". Then as you move forward you can see all the things along the way that were all a result of that one moment in time when He showed you that one thing.

If you recall, my blog post about coming home from Costa Rica the one thing I missed the most was that tangible feeling of God's presence in everything. I specifically remember that feeling as we got closer to home just slipping away. By the time we landed in Chicago and stepped off the plane I was literally in tears because it just felt like it was gone. I couldn't feel Him like I did there.

What I have realized is that until Costa Rica, I didn't know I was missing anything. I didn't know that that kind of ever present, reach out and touch, feel it in every fiber of your being kind of relationship with God even existed. I thought that I was doing it right, that my relationship with God was what it was supposed to be and that it was good. I didn't know that it could be, and should be even more.

Once home I began searching for that tangibility here. Where was it hiding? How come I had to search for it so hard here when there it just....was. I became very intentional in my searching, immersing myself in His Word, in Praise and Worship music, prayer; all the things that I had done before Costa Rica, however, now it had a new kind of urgency, a desperation almost. It had gone from, this is what I'm "supposed" to do, to this is what I "want" to do. This is what I cannot exist without, I cannot breath without, I cannot go another minute without. This is what God was talking about when He said to seek Him with ALL my heart and when I do, I will find Him. This IS Costa Rica. This is that tangible God, that one that I can touch and feel and see and taste, and oh, is it glorious and beautiful.

Had God not ever taken me to Costa Rica, I may have never known what it was "supposed" to be like. I may never have known I was missing out on anything. I continue to be grateful for that experience and the knowledge that I need to trust in Him in all things because, man, does He ever know what is best for me.

the rooster crowed

This is Holy Week, the week before Jesus is crucified. I have been meditating on what all this means, and the sacrifice that Jesus made for me. 

I have started Bible journaling this year and it has changed the way I study the Bible, it makes it more personal, more intimate. I find that I'm understanding and seeing things differently than I ever have before. 

This morning I was reading the story of the crucifixion out of the book of Luke. Each Gospel tells the story just a little bit differently than the other. Each disciple adding little details that they noticed from their perspective. In Luke there is a verse that I've read many times, but it never impacted me before. Today, it was different, today it nearly sucked the breath out of me. 

Luke 22:61 says: And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how He had said to him; "Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me 3 times."

First, of course, I felt for Peter, how ashamed he must've felt. Not only that he'd denied his Lord, but that Jesus heard him and saw him do it. I imagine that when Jesus looked at him, His eyes were most likely full of love, grace and forgiveness. Not an ounce of "I told you so." The next verse says that Peter wept bitterly. I imagine the well of tears must have been never ending and feeling of letting Jesus down must have been so overwhelming. 

Then, I wondered how many times have I denied Christ? How many times has He looked at me with those same eyes? Did I even notice, did I even have the decency to weep bitterly? In my life time I've heard this story many, many times and I can remember often thinking many different things about Peter in this instance, but not once did I ever think that I am just like Peter. Today was different. 

There has never been a time where my life was threatened because of my faith, but I know there have been times in my life that I have have denied Christ in other ways. In my attitude, in the way I treat others, my selfishness, my lack of self-control to name a few. Jesus looks at me with love, grace and forgiveness each time. 

I'm so thankful for John 21:15-17, where Jesus redeems Peter and gives him the chance to tell Him he loves Him 3 times. When I read that I always wonder if Peter "gets" it, if he understands why Jesus asks him 3 times if he loves Him. Do I understand each time Jesus redeems me, gives me more chances, forgives me over and over again. Probably not, but I'm grateful that He does. 

Another thing I'm grateful for is that the Bible is alive and active and relevant and that each time I open it God speaks to me in ways I haven't heard before. Each time I can't wait to dive in and see what new things He has for me. 

Music

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know when I say music is powerful. I think most of us have a song for almost every big moment in our life.

Songs bring back memories, evoke emotions, bring you to places and times that you either love to remember or wish you'd forget.

Who would've thought when the first musical note was played that it would be such an enormously powerful medium? I don't imagine that was the intent of the musician, I imagine he or she was just looking for a way to express themselves and it's what came out, and thank God it did.

Music sets the mood; if you're getting ready to go out with friends or clean the house, you may put on something up beat you can dance to to get you moving. Feeling angry? Break out the heavy metal and scream through your frustrations.  If you've experienced heart ache you put on the sad love songs and cry your heart out. You and hubby got a kid free night in? Break out the Barry White. Lets not forget about the movies, many scenes would lose a lot of their impact if they didn't have music to build up to the scene. The musical score is as important as the actors.

While I listen to music for many reasons, my favorite is when I need to get my heart and mind in line with God. Often times when I get up in the morning I've got a million things running through my head that I need or want to accomplish in the day and really, sitting down seems completely counter productive. However I know in my heart, that if I don't, my whole day will be off and the millions of things I need to do will be that much more burdensome. Those are the mornings that my time with God starts with iTunes and ear buds. Those are also the days when God usually meets me in the sweetest ways.

Some of the most challenging times I go through as a Christian are the times when God feels very far away. I know that in those times, even though I feel like He's not hearing me or I'm not hearing Him and we're just so disconnected, that I have to continue to spend time with Him. This is probably the most important time for music for me, because as I stated earlier, music evokes emotions. Yes I know, being a Christ follower isn't just a "feeling", however, I'm a girl, I run on emotions LOL. Without Praise and Worship music to get me through those desert times I'm not sure I would persevere and continue to seek Him.

One of my favorite artists for times like these is Kari Jobe. Every song of hers just speaks to my heart and puts me face down in front of my Lord. The perfect position for hearing what He has in store for me, and I don't want to miss a thing!

A Teachable Moment

Today started off like most days do, with some God time; devotions and some prayer. This morning, as usual, I asked God to use me to impact the lives of others as I go about my day. Most days if it happens, I'm unaware of it, other times it's made blatantly obvious how He's used me, and then, well, then there are days like today where I think, what the heck was that!!!

This morning I had an errand to run and it was snowing and just yucky out. As I was almost to my destination an elderly woman with a red purse was riding her bike along the road. Yes, riding her bike in the snow and sleet. I said to myself, "oh that poor sweet thing, that must be miserable". She was however, going the opposite direction in which I was going so I went on my way.

About 20 min later I was headed back home and came across this sweet thing once again. This time she was walking her bike. I passed her, and of course the thought went through my head that I should offer her a ride, but thought maybe I'd spook her if I stopped or something and really, I did need to get home. However, I didn't get too much farther before I felt that nudging to go back and get her. So I did a U-turn and headed back. I pulled up in front of her and walked back to her and said "Honey, could I give you a ride some where". To which she replied, in a loud, almost yelling at me voice, "well, not if you're planning to assault me!". Oh my! I told her that of course I wasn't going to assault her and where could I take her. She told me the YMCA in Lake Geneva, which is about 7 miles or so from where we were, that's a long bike ride in the snow!

Well, telling her that I wasn't going to assault her was about the only thing I got to say to her because for the next 10-15 minutes or so she proceeded to "tell" me in that yelling voice, very descriptively with a good mix of cuss words, just how awful her family is and how she's never going there for Christmas again! How her sister stole her hat and she can just keep it cause she's not going there for Easter either. How she's going to buy a new car and not tell them about it. That her landlord is a jerk and her apartment is falling apart.  At some point during her rant she even managed to sneak in an expletive about Scott Walker, I'm not really sure what that had to do with any of the other things exactly. All through this rant of hers she would ask me if I would like to have a family like that but then she'd go on without waiting for an answer. She talked so fast that spit was gathering in the corners of her mouth and just flying every where.

There were many things going through my head about 2 minutes into this ride to the Y. One of which was Oh. My. Gosh. what have I gotten myself into here? Then it was trying not to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Still, asking God when my opportunity to share His light with her was going to come. I mean why else would He ask me to do this if it wasn't to share something about Him and His awesomeness or at the very least to be His hands and feet in a spectacular way. Yet the closer we got to the Y the more it became very apparent that I was not going to be able to speak life into her at all and she was just going to continue to speak obscenities and misery at me. This was clearly a lesson to be learned.

Not only a lesson in loving the unlovely, (I'm sure she's a wonderful person, just not sure I was getting to see that part), but also a lesson again, in how it's not about me. I was looking for that awesome feel good moment where I got to share Jesus and clearly that was not my purpose here. Also a lesson in dying to myself, it would've been so much easier just to keep going and not put that muck covered bike into the back of my car. Everything that God asks us to do isn't going to be fun or easy or pretty. It's not going to wrap up all nicely with a bow on top where you can walk away from it knowing that you made a difference. However, that doesn't make it any less important. I may never know how or if giving that woman a ride impacted her life in any way and that's okay, because God knows.

A reminder

Went to a concert last night, it was a Chris Tomlin concert but Rend Collective and Tenth Avenue North were there as well. Amazing concert for sure.

Now I'm not sure if it's something lingering from Costa Rica or the effects from Bible Journaling in that I'm always on the look out for something new to journal, but, I was hyper aware of the lyrics being sung last night.

One in particular really stood out to me, so much so that I had to quickly send myself an email on my phone so I'd remember it. It's a song by Tenth Avenue North called Strong Enough to Save. There is a line in there that says "the One the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you". After spending some time in the ocean a few weeks ago it's fresh in my mind just how incredibly powerful those waves are. They don't care what you want to do, they will knock you down, they will push you around and suck you in. You are mostly powerless to do anything other than let them. The sheer idea that anyone can make those waves do anything other than what they decide to do is crazy! However, our God can. If He decided they needed to be still, they would be.

I was struck in that moment by just how incredibly big He is and how incredibly small I am. I think I need these reminders from time to time to remember to stay humble. Yes, I know, humble probably isn't the first adjective you'd use to describe me, but when it comes to knowing my place in His Kingdom I am well aware of Who I serve. I pray that all the things that I do in my life, reflect Jesus, and that I am ever diligent to give Him all the Honor and Glory that is due to Him.

Still processing

One of the things that I went to Costa Rica hoping to find was affirmation. Affirmation that what I'm doing in my walk with God is what He craves. That this whole leadership thing is truly what He's called me to and that I'm doing it right.

Each day there were opportunities to just pour into one another. Not only team member into team member but also Hogar de Vida staff poured into us as well. I watched and celebrated as each day my team mates were poured into, affirmed, lifted up and prayers of life spoken over them that rocked them to the core. Things that met them right where they needed to be met. I cried with them, I cried for them. I LOVED seeing how God worked and moved through my team. The sheer, raw power of our Lord just poured out relentlessly upon each one of them. God is just SO good.

Secretly though, I was jealous and waiting for my turn. I prayed for it. For that one prayer, that one person that would just come to me and speak those words of affirmation over me in such a way that I could not deny that I was doing it right. That big "aha" moment never happened for me. I had an amazing trip and I loved every aspect of it and was so blessed by the whole experience. However, as I stepped onto that airplane to head home, a little part of me was disappointed, a little sad that what I had asked for hadn't happened.

However, now that I'm home, and each time I share my story with someone or read back through my journal or replay things in my head I'm all too aware of things that I just missed some how. As I replay the joy I found in working along side my team, celebrating their awesome moments and truly feeling proud of all their accomplishments, God nudges me. As I'm rereading the Bible verses that He made abundantly clear to me while we were there, God nudges me. At each turn He asks me, "aren't I enough?".

 In so many ways, God showed up, some that were so huge and so awesome that you couldn't miss them. He also showed up in a still small voice, in the little things that I missed because I was so wrapped up in looking for the big things. Time and time again, He showed me and told me that I'm doing what He's asked me to do. He made clear if only I had taken the time to look, that He approves. He's nudging His angels, telling them to look at what His daughter is doing and He approves,

His affirmation is all I need. His pouring into me is all I need. I live in a fleshly body in a fleshly world that puts importance upon the opinion and affirmation of others. When in fact, only His opinion of how I'm living and serving and loving others matters. I am so content in that now. I find myself feeling foolish for the feelings that most likely caused me to miss those whispers.

If I learned anything in this trip it's that He never fails me, even if it takes me a while to "get it".

Costa Rica as best I can

I'm home! At least physically; mentally, emotionally and spiritually I'm screaming to be back there. I will start by telling you that if I wrote 10,000 words here you would never fully understand what it is like at Hogar De Vida unless you experienced it yourself. The closest explanation that was ever given to me was that it's like a blanket of God lays over that place and yet some how that seems to fall too short.

I'm amazed at how much can happen in a short week. The days just crept by but the week itself went so fast. The friendships and bonds that were woven into something beautiful in that short time will never break. I woke up this morning in my own bed next to the most amazing man in the world and yet a part of me missed rolling over and hearing "good morning Miss Lisa" from Katie. I missed seeing Susan all snuggled up in a hoodie and blanket spending quiet time with the Lord. I missed the glow of Rachel as she returned from the Rancho with her prayer blanket. The coffee that Sue had all prepared waiting for us. There's little things from each team member that became a comforting normal each day that I missed this morning.

However, what I missed most about this morning, was that ever present feeling that my God is watching over me and that He is truly in my waking up and in my lying down. That feeling as though his hand is over mine as I pull back the blankets and set my feet on the floor. The unrelenting yearning that there is nothing more important that I need to do other than to just spend time with Him and the feeling that no matter what I do, be it immersed in His word, face on the ground in prayer, spending time with the children or painting the mural, it would be spending time with Him. Nothing I did down there was separate from my God, EVERYTHING was of Him. It wasn't a conscious decision so much as it just was.

There were lots of things that God did while I was there, yes we painted a mural and yes we played with children and did many other things, but where the most work was done was in my heart and in my relationship with my Lord. There were things that He did that if I had not decided to be obedient in all things and embrace this trip that I would have missed out on.

 My husband in his awesomeness sent me down with about 5 different sealed envelopes. Each one labeled with a "open if you...." message. This is the only one that I did not open. It wasn't that there were no big bugs to be seen, on the contrary, big bugs and scorpions. However, God in his mercy protected me from my fear of bugs and each time put someone who wasn't afraid between me and the bug to kill it before I ever saw it. I was sad not to open this one to see what clever witty saying he wrote and his encouragement for me, but I was totally okay with not seeing the bugs. Another way that God showed His love for me, that He cares about the little things and the big things.

Another fear of mine was ziplining. I am not a fan of heights in the least and I won't lie to you, this was way out of my comfort zone and I did it with great trepidation. Each platform was a step in faith, (there were 12) as I sat and leaned back and zoomed over the tree tops. If ever there was a reason to recite every Bible verse you've ever dedicated to memory this was it. (I think I even threw in a "God is good, God is great and we thank Him for this food LOL) However, in the end, my God was faithful and kept me safe. A side note, the hanging upside down line was the easiest and best one for me. Not sure why, but I was the least afraid on this one.

If I had to sum up what I learned in this trip in one main lesson, it would be this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your path. Proverbs 3:5-6. I spent time on my knees this week in repentance for not trusting in Him to make straight my path, for leaning on my own understanding. How could I have ever doubted Him?

 Although I know there are probably a few who are itching to throw out that "I told you so", I ask you to pause and ask yourself if I could've known all this without having been there myself? To that I can now answer an emphatic "not on your life!" So I encourage all that have considered going, to seriously pray about it and if God gives the blessing to you, go, it will be an experience you never forget and one that will forever change you.

Surrender

Costa Rica is a mere 3 days away. I'm not nearly as anxious as I thought I would be at this point. I truly believe that it is the Peace that surpasses all understanding that is causing it.

There are a few minor details to finish up in the next 3 days but I don't feel any sense of true urgency to them. I know that everything that needs to be done before we go, will be done.

One thing that the Lord has impressed upon my heart the last couple days is that I need to be in a place of total surrender to Him and to His plans. One of the songs we sang on Sunday was You Won't Relent, I know Jesus Culture didn't write it but they sing it best in my opinion. One of the verse's goes like this: "Come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame inside my heart, come be the fire inside of me, until you and I are one."  That last line; "until you and I are one", what a complete and total place of surrender that is, when I am no longer my own, but fully His.

 I'm going to take the next couple days just to meditate on that idea, to be filled with only Him and none of my own ways, none of my own thoughts, so that what I do and experience in Costa Rica will be exactly what He has planned for me and not what I have planned for me.

So while this trip planning started in a frenzy and with stomping of feet and tantrums, in the end, I have such a peace about it all. I know that I know that I know that THIS is precisely what God has positioned me to do and I'm excited to see what His plans are. He never ceases to blow me away with what He does in my life and I have no doubt that this will be equally, if not more awesome than anything else He's done for me.

I'm super excited about the team that is going with me. I have faith that each person on our team has been positioned for just the same amount of awesomeness. We each have our own journey and our own struggles and I know that God will work in each one of us exactly the way we need it. What we experience there as a team and as individuals will forever affect our hearts, our minds and our lives and form bonds that are unbreakable.

Soon there will be a blog posted that you can follow us along on our adventures. I'll post it when I have it.

By Faith

I'm reading through the book of Hebrews and I went through chapter 11 this morning. I was struck by how many times the phrase "by faith" was used. See all those little orange highlights there? Each one says "by faith" and then goes on to explain the who, what and when of each person.

I don't know about you but sometimes I have to read things more than once for it to fully sink in. Maybe it's because Christianity and the Bible have always been in my life that I think sometimes I read these stories about people in the Bible and the true weight of it doesn't quite resonate with me because I've heard them for so long.

I learned about Noah and the ark, Moses being set in the river and Joshua and the walls of Jericho in Sunday school when I was a kid. So at this point in my life, as an adult I need to try to see their perspective in their stories. The perspective that they saw through the eyes of God. I'm not so sure that I would have fared so well had I been in their shoes.

The one story in the Bible that always sets me on edge and almost makes me a little angry with God for even suggesting such a thing is the story of Abraham and Isaac. I cannot imagine God asking someone to sacrifice their child, it just boggles my mind. Yet Abraham, BY FAITH, sets out to do just that, believing in God's ability to raise someone from the dead. I don't know that if I had been asked to do that task that I would've had enough faith to follow through.

Joshua, a warrior, someone whose fought battles is asked not to fight but to simply march around a city a bunch of times and then blow some horns. I can't imagine what went through his mind, he had to have been thinking that it was the silliest things he's ever done. How on earth is this going to win the battle of Jericho? However, BY FAITH he did as God instructed. I wonder how amazed they were by the end result.

Noah, oh my, can you imagine? I'm sure his family and all the other people who saw him building this ridiculous boat thought he had to be crazy. I imagine he probably had his doubts about himself as well. It made no sense. However, he ignored the criticisms of everyone and BY FAITH built a boat as God instructed him to.

In all this I'm struck by my own faith, I can't help but wonder how many times I should've acted BY FAITH and didn't. How many times I felt God telling me to do something that made absolutely no sense in my own head so therefore I didn't follow through. How small is my faith that I cannot live by it?

I can however, look back and see times when I have followed through on things He's asked of me that didn't seem quite so ridiculous and am blown away with how He showed up. I've seen Him do things that quite frankly make no sense in my head. He always seems so work things in such a way that I couldn't have imagined that if I tried. So if I already know all this, have experienced these things, why should I have hesitation when He asks things of me that make me uncomfortable?

I live in the world a bit too much I think, worry about what others will think, how it will look, who might criticize or think of me as crazy.  What a different place we would live in had Abraham, Noah and Joshua doubted and not done the things that God asked of them. I pray for just an ounce of their faith.

As I head off to Costa Rica here in a mere 11 days (gulp) I am looking forward to opening up my heart to Him in a way I've never done before. Praying for the courage to live by faith, to learn to trust in Him in ALL things, even the ridiculous.

Here we go...

Ain't technology grand!! I've been dreading these next few days popping up on my Timehop App, but here it is.

This is the start to the last full day my Mom was able to carry on a full coherent conversation. This was the day that the whispers that we were at the end invaded my brain. This was the day that my Mom said she wasn't afraid to die because she knew where she was going.

This was also a day of great laughter, of amazing family time. A time of healing of relationships that were bent and warped and twisted. This was a day of many prayers, and many praises.

I don't anticipate today, or the next couple days to be easy or tear free, there's just too many memories of these days last year that are too fresh, too real, not quite fully healed, however, these are memories that I never want to loose. I want to always remember these last few days with my Mom. They're too precious, too important.

So in the next couple days, if you should think of me, I would covet your prayers as we push past this final "first". I'm so grateful for a God whose love is bigger than any of our pain, I will cling to that always.

Learn to Dance in the Rain

So this is a snippet of a new painting I'm working on, not done yet, but it's been a painting that God has been talking me through. I love it when He does that.

When He gave me the idea for it I was listening to my Praise and Worship playlist on my iPod. Seems there are a lot of songs the reference "rain" in one way or another. All of them seemed to strike me to the core.

When I think about rain in reference to God I envision so much. His love raining down on me, His grace and mercy just soaking and drenching me. The joy of the heavens just spilling out all over me. All of these things I find to be healing, calming,soothing and cleansing.

When I think of the last 12 months, I've needed a lot of all of those healing things. January 21st marks the anniversary of the day my Mom went home. Lots of sadness and tears and moments, yet each time God covered me, He rained down on me one way or another.

There is so much Joy in all of that, all of those mental pictures, how could you not dance in it?? So that's what the quote on this says to me, however, in the secular world, or to others it could mean something else, all good things though.

Another thing that God spoke to me in this is how I've been neglecting my time in the word with Him. For many years I've used Bible pages in my art work. This is something that I feel that I have God's blessing in doing, He's not told me that it grieves Him in any way and I do it very respectfully and with great purpose. However, in doing this painting in which I've made the rain drops from Bible pages,(the Gospel of Matthew to be exact because I felt that it was the Good News of the Gospel that needed to be raining down,) God said to me "you'll use my Word in your artwork but you won't spend time reading it?".

Guess I need to take the time to refocus and get back on track. God never lets me down, yet so often I feel as though I've failed Him. I'm so grateful that He only sees me through the cleansing blood of Jesus.


Some Praise songs that mention rain, I'm certain there are many others:

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me
Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew
Let it Rain by Jesus Culture
Rain Down by Delirious?
Healing Rain by Michael W. Smith
Sing in the Rain by Moriah Peters